Ask Uncle Barbie
Vol. 17 Issue 10

Swimming in Lake Celibacy
 
Dear Uncle Barbie,
I cannot seem to get over my feelings of guilt every time I even think about having sex. I only had sex once in the past 10 months. Before that, I had gone a couple of years without any. I do not know why. I guess, I was just raised to think that sex is wrong. I remember my parents telling me that every married couples are not supposed to have sex unless they are trying to have a child. And, since I am not trying to have a kid, it is wrong for me to have any kind of sex. So, here is the problem; I am 26-years-old and single and feel guilty all the time for even thinking about sex. What can I do to stop having sexual feelings? Is there any medication I can take? I talked to my doctor, but she refused to give me anything? She said it was a
morality issue, not a medical issue. --Signed, Paul N.
 
Hello P.N.,
It is no wonder you are still single. Keeping your sexual feelings to yourself is similar to winking at someone in the dark; you know you are doing it but no one else does. Your right hand is just supposed to be a source of nightly amusement--not an entire relationship. But, hey, who am I to judge someone else’s sexuality? My head has rested on more hotel pillows than chocolate mints. Personally, I believe that an idol crotch is the Devil’s workshop. (But, do not tell your mom I said that.)

  Your physician is correct; if there is nothing physically wrong with you, then your morality would be a likely suspect as the root cause of your emotional disturbance. Many of us were taught to feel guilty about our sexuality and, consequently, feel bad about ourselves. We all battle with issues of morality nearly everyday of our lives in one form or another.

  Based on the information you shared with me, it sounds like you are grappling with your conscience. However, have you stopped to consider the origins of your guilt?  What exactly is guilt anyway, and is it a universal emotion?  Where did your morality come from?  How much morality is inborn and how much is learned?  How did you develop your conscience?  Do moral and ethical principles constitute the cognitive components of your conscience?  Does everybody have a conscience?  These questions peaked my interest, so I decided to explore and research this topic to gather more information.

  According to Carroll Izard's book, Human Emotions, guilt is the emotion most essential in the development of an affective cognitive conscience and moral behavior. In the Differential Emotions Theory, guilt is considered a fundamental emotion, which, like other fundamental emotions, emerged through evolutionary and biological processes. Therefore, the experience of guilt is unlearned, similar to the experience of some biologically based fears.

  Here is how guilt compares to fear. Similar to fear, there are some innate activators or natural cues for guilt that operate under socio-cultural conditions. Dissimilar to fear, however, the experience of guilt binds the person to the source of guilt and does not subside without reconciliation, which tends to restore social harmony. Fear, on the other hand, motivates escape from the source and subsides at a safe distance from the threat of harm.

  Another researcher, Eibesfeldt, believes that there is a biological basis for the development of ethical norms and a genetic basis for the subsequent development of a sense of personal responsibility and guilt. Nevertheless, not everyone agrees with the biological approach. Dr. Ausubel, for example, does not endorse a biogenetic mechanism for guilt, although he does believe that it is so basically human and fundamental to the development and maintenance of social norms that it will develop naturally in all cultures. Izard ascertained that in the development of conscience and morality, all of our emotions play some part, either directly or
indirectly.

  You mentioned your parents, and that brings up a whole other side to this issue. Parents can inadvertently cause a great deal of emotional harm to their children in the form of excessive guilt. For instance, if harsh physical punishment is used in teaching right from wrong, it can result in emotions of fear, anger, shame, and, of course, guilt. How moral is that? I think it is immoral for parents to cause their children to feel guilty about having sexual desires.

  You are an adult, now, so you have the power to form your own morals and ethics for guiding your life. Izard concluded his research by saying, "The highest form of moral behavior is when you feel excitement and joy in caring for and helping others." If your conscience is struggling with morality issues regarding sex, perhaps you can alleviate some of those negative feelings by being kind-hearted and merciful to others--starting, of course, by being loving to ourselves. You do not need any medication to take away your sexual feelings. What you do need is to make a conscious decision to accept yourself, that includes your sexual feelings.
Your Sweet Tart, Uncle Barbie

From Vol 17 Issue 10
BARGAIN BASEMENT PSYCHOLOGY 

Dear Uncle Barbie,
I am going to ask you the same question that I ask all of my friends: what is the meaning of life? --Signed, K.B.
 
Hello K.B.
This is a question that I have asked myself for years. I believe that there is no intrinsic meaning to life. Rather, people bring meaning to their lives. I do not think that there is only one meaning to life that can be applied to all people. Each person needs to give his or her life meaning by finding his or her individual purpose. It is not my place (or anyone else’s for that matter) to tell someone else what the meaning of their life should be.

  Unfortunately, we see and hear all around us messages from the world telling us what they think the meaning of life is. From the pulpit to the television, it seems that everyone thinks that they know the meaning of life. And, furthermore, they think it is their obligation to tell everyone. But, before you swallow their bate, hook, line, and sinker, ask yourself one important question--how the hell do they know?

  Only you can decide what the meaning of your life is to be. No one else can give meaning or purpose to your life. Oh, I know what you are going to say. You are probably thinking that your children, family, life partner gives your life meaning. But, if you really look at it objectively, you are the one who actually determines what value you place on your loved ones, and, therefore, their meaning in your life. It takes work to find your meaning/purpose in life. The lazy person does not want to put out the effort to discover his or her own meaning. I guess, for some people, it is just easier to have the world tell them what life is all about. But, my guess is that you are too smart for that.
Don’t wish it--live it, Barbie
 
GIVING PERSPECTIVE TO THE SPIRITUALLY IMPOTENT
 Dear Uncle Barbie,
Reading your latest column, I thought I would express my opinion about Christianity and homosexuality. (I hope you don't mind.) As a Christian, I do not believe that homosexuals are damned. I believe that if people are homosexuals, then they were made that way by God, and all things created by God are good. I am also pretty sure that I'm not the only Christian out there who believes this. While I concede that there are some Christians who consider homosexuality a sin, but not all churches are like that. The  sermons in my church focus on the love and grace of God and how to grow in our faith--no hellfire judgments on who will make it and who will not. The Bible says a lot about God’s unending mercy, a God who loves everyone--that is the God I believe in. Christian beliefs vary--there is such a span of political, ethical, and spiritual values held by people who call themselves Christian. I hope you do not judge all of us by the hate mail you get from homophobes and assume that is what all Christians are like. God loves you and so do I.
Signed, Kate
 
Hello Kate,
Thank you for responding to my advice column. I certainly understand that Christian philosophies vary and that not all of them are homophobic. I have met some very fine Christians in my time.
Blessed Blasphemy, Barbie

From Vol. 17 Issue 9
YOU MATTER 

Dear Uncle Barbie,
I have been fighting depression for as long as I can remember. My life is useless, and I feel that there is no hope for me. Therapy has not helped much. I feel a little better when I am sitting with my therapist, but the depression returns almost immediately upon leaving her office. I cannot live in the counseling center. What can I do?
Signed, Janet L.
 
Hello Janet,
Perhaps, I could serve you best by sharing a true story with you. A while back, I was enjoying a meal in a Chinese restaurant. I was approached by the waiter who placed a fortune cookie on my table along with the check. As I read the fortune, it posed an interesting thought. It read, “You could change the world!” At first, I just laughed. Then, as I pondered the idea, I began to seriously consider the possibilities.
  The statement was actually correct-from a certain point of view. Indeed, when I thought about it, we are all going to change the world. In fact, we already have. Maybe, we do not have a noticeable impact on society; nonetheless, we do have an influence on the people in our lives. What I mean is every little thing we do has an effect on others, and, thus causes changes. This cause-and-effect can be a positive or negative thing depending on what we do.
  For instance, if a child is raised in a healthy and loving environment, that child will be more likely to have a positive influence on the community. Of course, if the child was raised in an unhealthy and emotionally impoverished environment, then that child may turn out to be a problem for society for many years. So, what you do does have an impact on those around you. Just the simple fact that you were born changed the world because your birth increased the world population by one. No one’s life is useless.
  Now that you understand that each of us makes a difference in the world, you are faced with the question regarding what kind of a change or impact you wish to have on the community. Only you can answer this question. People create societies in the first place, so it stands to reason that if the world is to be a more enriched place to live, it is the people who need to improve. I think that the best way to have a positive effect on the world is to be more loving. This does not mean that all your problems will suddenly go away. However, I do believe it means you will be able to handle problems much more constructively.
  You do matter. The first step in alleviating your depression is to change your thoughts, attitude, and perspective on your life. Your experience of life is based upon your attitude. Speaking of attitude, try adopting an attitude of gratitude. Here is your assignment to improve your mood: each morning, name 10 things for which you are thankful. (I do this; it works.) Remember, happiness is an attitudinal choice.
Attitude of Gratitude, Uncle Barbie

From Vol. 17 Issue 3
NO SHAME IN MY GAME!
Dear Barbie,
Just for laughs, I showed your picture and column to my grandmother, and she said you should be ashamed of yourself. She is a very proper lady who does not believe that sex should be written about in a paper. She won’t even say the word sex. Instead, she calls it “intimate relations.” I think it is because of the way she grew up. So, now that you know a bit about her, I’m just wondering, what would you say to her about her reaction to your column?
Signed, D. K.
 
Hello D. K.,
Well, bless her little heart. She sounds like a real gem. Tell me, dear, what is her definition of the word “shame?” Individuals from your grandmother’s generation tend to think of shame as a tool to keep people in their place. Social roles were much more rigid back then. In my opinion, there is no room in my heart for shame. I have my own sense of morality, and I can assure you, it comes from within me; not imposed on me by society.

  I do not mindlessly accept pre-subscribed morals of right and wrong. Rather, I form my own sense of what is constructive and what is destructive. Your grandmother needs to understand that I look at things from a psychological perspective. That means that instead of thinking in terms of good and bad, I think in terms of functional and dysfunctional. What’s the difference? Well, the prior is a judgment; the latter is not. To say that someone is good or bad labels that person’s identity. However, to say that someone is functional or dysfunctional labels that person’s behavior. There is no need to shame the person. Dysfunctional behavior can be identified and corrected while at the same time supporting the person’s self-worth.

  Upon reflection, my guess is that your grandmother was probably reacting to my flamboyant style. I admit, sometimes my advice column is pretty zesty--and a little gassy. (I am nothing if not colorful.) While at other times, it’s as abrasive as scrubbing a toilet--only not that pleasant. But, let us put the focus back on your sweet old grandmother for a moment. Where is all her scorn coming from? How did she learn to be so judgmental?

  Maybe, she had an emotionally manipulative mother. If you have the courage, you might want to ask her if her family used shame and guilt to keep her in line. In any case, I do not believe that I deserve the full brunt of her condemnation. Perhaps, she needs to redirect her anger back to her family where it belongs. To pervert a common expression, “The family that shames together, stays together.” (Ooo, shame on me.)
Unconditionally Shameless, Barbie

As elegant as the restrooms at an all night truck stop.

From Vol. 17 Issue 2
DISPENSING ADVICE LIKE DANDELION SPORES
Dear Uncle Barbie,
I think I need new friends. Every time I try to talk to them about something that is going on in my life, they somehow relate it back to their own lives, and the next thing you know, we’re talking about them! I have always been told what a good listener I am, but how do I get others to listen to me?
Signed, Perplexed
 
Hello Perp,
Well, isn’t this peachy? To use colloquial speech, your friends have diarrhea of the mouth. (I have intentionally left off the detailed description of this metaphor for the sake of those readers with tender sensibilities.) You are right; you do need new friends. The impression I get is that when these individuals were children, they did not learn basic social skills. In other words, they never learned how to play well with others. Nobody like to play with someone who poops in the playpen. And when they don’t reciprocate the courtesy of listen-ing, they are metaphorically pooping in your playpen. Perhaps, they are doing all the talking because they think they know everything. But there in lies the dilemma. You see, no one will care how much your friends know until it is first known how much they care. Get it? They are talking THROUGH you and not TO you. This creates a stumbling block to the forward motion of a positive relationship.

It seems clear to me that you are not going to be able to reform their social skills at this late stage in the game. To use a psychological parlance, by you playing the role of the listener, you have become the bedrock foundation upon which they build there neurotic lives. I don’t mean to sound like Dr. Ruthless, but your friends sound very drama-cidal! (Get onboard the insane train; we’re pulling out of psychotic station now.) How Gemini is that? They need to learn to live outside their own heads, and be in the real world. Otherwise, they become intellectually barren. (Incidentally, for the curious, this is a fancy way of saying that they are as dull as a butter knife.) Therefore, if you stop listening to them and insist on being heard, you may find that they get up and walk away from you in mid sentence. Be prepared for this. I am trying to vaccinate you against rejection.
  It’s like this circle of self-centered friends have created a vacuum vortex that has sucked you in, and now, you are feeling the need to escape. See them for what they really are—the next of kin to chaos. Do not bother trying to change them. You can’t endow noble characteristics onto a fraudulent friendship. Sorry to say this, but your friends are not true friends.
Words To Live By, Barbie

From Vol. 17 Issue 1
WELCOME TO NARCISSISTIC ISLAND: POPULATION—YOU!
 
Dear Uncle Barbie,
My sister is the most selfish person I know. She doesn’t care about anything or anyone. She sits around feeling sorry for herself and is totally self-absorbed. Her attitude is, “Why should I help others when I have my own problems?” She insists on being the center of attention. Everyone has to pay attention to her and listen to her problems, but she won’t lift a finger to help someone else out, not even family. She always claims that she is too depressed to help. What should I do with her? How can I get her to be a kinder, more loving, person?
Signed, What to do?
 
Hello To Do,
Sounds like your sister is quite narcissistic. The self dialog in her head probably goes something like this, “Let’s focus on me. It’s all about me. But enough about me, let’s talk more about me. Freud said that infants who receive pleasurable feelings from trying to hold in their fecal matter (or refuse to have a bowel movement while being toilet trained) will develop an adult personality type that resists giving of themselves. Freud called this type of an individual Anal Retentive. It sounds like your sister may be acting in an anal retentive manner by withholding help from others.

There is something you should know about depression: with depression comes anxiety and anger. Therefore, your sister is not only depressed, she is also pissed off! She is dealing with a complexity of emotions. Her refusal to help out anyone else is a manifestation of her anger—at people, life, the world, etc. Unfortunately, she seems to have very poor affect regulation. Consequently, she displaces her passive aggressive tendencies on those around her by refusing to help or care about others. The emptiness of her own life casts dispersions of gloom on others. I have clinical experience dealing with clients that have this same type of dysfunctional behavior. As a therapist, I need to gently encourage the client to be more compassionate. In your case, you can be a bit more blunt. Since she is your sister, you can simply look her in the eye and tell her to get off her dead rear end and help her family.

My clients always come up with excuses like, “I can’t listen to anyone else’s problems right now. I have to take care of myself. I have to work on me. Maybe after I get well, I can help others.” But what they do not realize is that helping someone else IS helping themselves. It feels good to contribute to someone else’s life in a positive way. It is so ironic that they resist doing the very thing that could facilitate their ascent from depression. Conversely, they resist change. They actually appear to relish in their own melancholy. And in the case of your sister, she does not want to be alone in her pain, so she tells everyone around her about her problems. (Jeez, what an attention whore.) As the old saying goes, “Misery loves company.” I’m sure it feels good to her to have people give her attention. However, this only serves to reinforce her dysfunctional behavior. My advice to you is not to feed into her pity party. Don’t fall into the trap of becoming her enabler by rewarding her narcissism.
Up and Out, Barbie

From Vol. 16 Issue 23
A RAINBOW OF ISSUES
 
Hello Uncle Barbie,

I have a problem, and I was hoping for a bit of wisdom. I am a 39-year-old, single, gay man. I participate in recreational activities that could be considered dangerous. I scuba dive alone (very, very dangerous), I train in and teach Aikido, I shoot skeet with a 20 gage shotgun, and I like to bike and hike alone. Notice, I am using the word “alone.” I have been in five major relationships in my life, but I have been single for the last ten years.

Recently, I met someone. He is very charming. My problem is that my new partner cannot handle that I do dangerous things. He has no interest in diving, Aikido, or any of the other things I do. Now, don’t get me wrong here, we do go dancing, spend time on the beach, listen to music, and have wonderfully romantic picnics and dinners. So we do have some things in common. I, recently, got hurt during Aikido practice. He freaked out! It was nothing major, just two stitches and a night in the hospital. They thought I may have a concussion. I was fine. He has been trying to convince me to quit Aikido. He has also been putting road blocks on my time for doing the other things I enjoy. These activities help me release the stress I experience during the day. How do I get him to understand that these activities are how I define myself and are necessary for my happiness?

Signed, Robert

Hello Bobby Boy,

This is a multifaceted issue, peppered with potential problems. Let me see if I can assist you in unraveling this knot. You certainly have the right to be yourself. Yet, you need to compromise with your partner in order to foster a healthy relationship. If your new boyfriend has little, to no, interest in your major recreational activities, then this can be seen as an opportunity for the two of you to develop new interests together. Think of it as a romantic adventure in relationship building.

I can see your boyfriend’s point of view, too. He is legitimately concerned about you. If some of your activities are so dangerous that you ended up in the emergency room, then, perhaps, it is time to reevaluate the risk factor. To be frank with you, you seem to be down playing your recent injuries. You wrote, “It was nothing major, just two stitches and a night in the hospital.” Are you kidding me? Do you really consider spending the night in the hospital to me nothing major? The attending physician would not have kept you over night for observations if he or she did not think that it was anything major. I am not saying that you should completely give up your recreational activities, just lower the risk as much as you can. Then, perchance, your boyfriend may not feel the need to get you to quit.

Finally, let me address the last part of your question. You said that these activities help you release stress. That is great. I fully support you in releasing your stress, anger, and aggression in a constructive way. Just make sure you are not overdoing it. Balance is the key to life. Find a way to blow off steam without hurting yourself. (Perhaps, your partner and you could work off some pent up tension by engaging in a little petroleum jelly wrestling.) You also mentioned that your recreational activities are how you define yourself and that they are necessary for your happiness. I’m afraid I need to take issue with you on this point. Your activities are not who you are; they are simply what you do. People make the mistake of thinking that they are what they do. This is just as dangerous, mentally, as the physical danger you described earlier. Your true identity is based on your nature as a human being. Your activities are just behavioral manifestations in response to your environment. Similarly, lasting happiness is not found in the activities you do; it is found in your attitude, perspective, and how you interpret life events. True happiness is found in your head, not outside of yourself. You may be able to create temporary, superficial happiness in the activities you enjoy, however, lasting happiness is actually a state of mind. Once you discover your natural identity and pair that with a positive attitude, you will experience a state of happiness that will not only enhance your life, it will also strengthen your relationship with your partner.

Do You, Barbie