Winter Solstice
 
Dear Uncle Barbie,
This time of the year I get very depressed. I do not know if it is because of the cold winter weather or the lack of sunlight in the shorter days, or just the holidays in general that get me down. Why is that? Maybe I get depressed because I really do not get into Christmas that much because I am not that religious. I actually am more interested in learning about the Winter Solstice tradition. I do not suppose you know anything about that, do you? Whatever. Anyway, I just want to know what I can do to fight depression during the wintertime. 
Signed, Cheryl H.
 
Hello Cheryl,
  This December 21st is the Winter Solstice (Wiccan Yule), and it marks the time of the year when the nights are the longest and the days are the shortest. This lack of sunlight may be contributing to your seasonal depression. People give meaning to the Winter Solstice event in many different ways. Some view it as a sorrowful time in which they mourn the absence of the sun. Others choose to look at it as a sign of hope because the longest night is over and the days will slowly start getting longer now with more and more daylight. Still other souls appreciate both the moonlight and sunlight equally, showing respect for both the Moon Goddess and Sun God.
  Although there are countless ways of viewing the Winter Solstice and Yule season, I tend to think of it as an opportunity for caring and reaching out to other people. Since the darkness is the strongest at this time of the year, perhaps we can turn to each other for light. In the days of old, people would share the light and warmth of their fire with those in need. The light and warmth that shines from your heart can be particularly bright, if you let it. Share this light with others. After all, every single thing you do has some kind of effect on others, to varying degrees. Over time, the more kindness you show others, the more likely it is that kindness will be shown to you.
  Throughout the world, various religions speak of this type of reciprocal energy. Buddhists believe that what affects one part of life will affect the whole, American Indians acknowledge that every life needs to be respected, Jews consider all life sacred, Pagans and Wiccans believe that whatever energy you give off will come back to you multiplied times three, Christians profess that you reap what you sow, etc. Other religions have similar philosophies, too, but no matter how they say it, it all comes down to the same basic message--what goes around comes around.
  As you enter into this Yule holiday season, remember to smile more and to look for opportunities to serve others. This can ward off your holiday blues just as well as anything else. Also remember your beloved ancestors. Traditionally, in pre-Christian times, households with family values would honor their deceased relatives by setting out a plate of holiday food called a spirit offering plate. It is important that families today remember the ancestors and respect ancient heritage. Christians and Pagans are not necessarily adversarial communities. Many traditions, such as our holiday tree and Yule logs, are shared customs between the Christian Christmas and the Wiccan Yule. Did you realize that the angel on your holiday tree originated from the Pagan’s traditional use of fairies on their trees? Wiccans use cinnamon sticks, apples, grapes, and oranges as ornaments on the Yule trees. These were used in ancient times and are still used today among Wiccan communities throughout the country.
  These customs are real traditional family values, and practicing the ancient traditions teaches young people to honor the heritage of all humans. If children do not respect the ancestors, they will not respect you. Traditionally, the Christian Christmas is the celebration of the birth of Christ. For womyn and men who practice Wicca, the Winter Solstice is the celebration of the Moon Goddess and eventually the return of the Sun God during the Summer Solstice. I believe it is beneficial for people to focus on our similarities, instead of our differences. So to answer your question, you can avoid depression this holiday season by celebrating the ancient traditions of respect for every form of life, and honoring all people. Since you feel so down at this time of the year, I recommend that you do a random act of kindness in the holiday spirit. As they did in times of old, pass on the light in your heart to those who are in darkness. Brightening someone else’s day can cheer you up, as well. 
Happy Winter Solstice, Barbie

Yule Politics
 
Dear Uncle Barbie,
How can I be more politically correct this holiday season? My mom is African-American, my sister is vegetarian, I am lesbian, and I suspect my uncle is a chicken molester.  
Signed,  Ms. Scrooge Ball
 
Hello Jingle Balls,
It's tough to always be politically correct - having to watch what you say. It is like being on constant alert. This is actually a form of hyper-vigilance. You can be so paranoid about the possibility of offending someone that you end up acting like a stiff robot in need of a little oil on the hinges. Get real! If everyone were completely politically correct over the holidays, we would not really have a holiday--we would have a hollow day, instead. People would not even be able to put up those little blinking lights because they could cause your epileptic cat to have a seizure. (Before you laugh too loudly, let me tell you, this is no joke. My cat actually does have seizures - honest.) Do not worry so much about pleasing everyone. Just relax around your relatives and be your natural, loving self. As a way to help you lighten up, just remember that the true meaning of Christmas is to celebrate the birth of our savior--baby Santa! (Put that in your politically correct pipe and smoke it.)
Your Yule Yokel, Barbie
 
Two Spirited
 
Dear Uncle Barbie,
I am an American Indian from a local tribe. I do not want to say which one. I was thinking that I might have an alternative sexuality. I do not want to be different or separate from the others in my group. What should I do?
Signed, Trying to Find My Place
 
Hello Trying Place,
In many ancient cultures (including Eskimo, Native American, and European-Pagan traditions) the people who were transgendered, bisexual, lesbian, and gay were considered spiritually gifted. They would take roles in the tribe such as shamans, medicine people, wise womyn, counselors, and the ones who saw visions or spiritual dreams with messages of guidance for the rest of the community. These sacred people were commonly referred to as being Two Spirited and often held special healing energies. The title comes, in part, from the belief that people with sexual orientations other than heterosexual possessed blessed androgyny. This balance of having both feminine and masculine spirits gave birth to the term, Two Spirited.
  Does any of this strike a chord within your spirit? Individuals in the transgendered, bisexual, lesbian, and gay community are inherently spiritual people with special blessings and sacred gifts. However, everyone on Mother Earth is a sacred and spiritual being whether gay or not. This is our birthright! Claim it!
Be Proud, Barbie

Thanksgiving Honors Naive Americans
 
Dear Uncle Barbie,
As our country prepares for the upcoming Thanksgiving celebration, I was wondering--what's your view on the political climate in this country? What do you think about all these social and political issues like the Thanksgiving holiday, welfare, equal rights, foreigners, and human cloning just to name a few? I hope that I am not throwing too much at you at once.
 - Not So Politically Correct
 
Hello Not Correct,
     I think I can answer all your questions in one shot. Here goes…well, I don't have any problem with celebrating Thanksgiving. It's an excuse to eat a lot and lie around the house growing fat until you pass out from all the tryptophan in the turkey. As far as my opinions on welfare, I strongly believe in promoting independence--not codependence. So, if the welfare program assists people by getting them back on their feet, then that's cool. However, if it causes people to stay off of their feet, then that's not so cool. Oh, I think I can tie this welfare topic into the previous Thanksgiving subject. A friend of mine once told me a humorous (although satirical) comment about Thanksgiving and welfare. He said that the very first welfare line was when the hungry Pilgrims asked the American Indians for food to make it through the freezing winters in this country. How ironic!? (Funny, huh? No? Well, I guess you had to be there.)
     Anyway, to address your next question, I think it is a good idea to provide an equal opportunity to everyone. (That way, people who are inherently lazy, like me, can have a fair chance.) I believe in equality for all (no matter how inferior some people are). In my advice column, I try to show tolerance (for whatever lame excuse folks come up with to justify their shortcomings). My social and political philosophy is simple. (Blame your faults on others. Hey, it has gotten me by so far!)
     Now, let's look at the part of your question that deals with foreigners. Come on, unless you are an American Indian, your people were foreigners originally. But let us deal with the present time, shall we? In my opinion, if you were born in America, then you are a native to America. In other words--a native American. You may not be American Indian, but as long as you were born here, you are a native American in my eyes. I am not only a native American, I am also a naive American--but that's just part of my charm.
     Okay, moving on to the next topic…other people have also asked me where I stand on the issue of genetic engineering. Let me put this as briefly as I can. The way I look at it, altering human DNA would improve the gene pool by weeding out the undesirable traits from the human race (like heterosexism for instance). And if the scientists can work on eliminating bigotry and pig-headedness, that would be a plus. Why not?  
 - My Bad, Barbie

Quick Advice for Sinners on the Go

Dear Uncle Barbie,
  I read your column on a regular basis, and I respect your opinions. You seem very educated; however, it is possible to educate God right out of your life. I wonder about your religious beliefs. Have you found religion? I like the advice you give, but you always give clinical answers to the questions people ask. God is the only answer anyone needs, not science. I am living proof of that. If it weren’t for my faith, life would not make any sense. I have dedicated my life to the Lord. I live to serve God and so should you. The Bible tells us that everyone has to be born again in order to be saved. That means you, too, Mr. Clinical! The scriptures say, “Every knee shall bow, and every tongue shall confess that Jesus Christ is Lord.” So no matter how much you try to fight it, eventually, when you die and stand before God, you will be forced to your knees and have to acknowledge that Jesus is Lord! Your scientific reasoning will not save you then.
  We do not need psychology. Everything people need to know about human behavior and the mind can be found in the Holy Bible. A true Christian does not need science to understand our planet. You may have a doctorate in clinical psychology, but I have a doctorate in life!!! These egghead scientists believe that they evolved from monkeys. When I look at them, I can see the resemblance. I, however, am more enlightened than they are. I am born again! I was created in the image of God almighty. My philosophy is, “God said it; I believe it; that settles it!” Don’t try to confuse me with your scientific facts. Without God, life has no meaning!!!
- Signed, David B.

Hello Davie-Baby,
  Ah, yes, the delightful experience of listening to the moralistic spewing of an evangelist (reminiscent of fingernails slowly scratching down a chalkboard, but not as amusing). You start off your letter by saying a few kind words about my advice column, but then the mood turned nasty by the end of your correspondence. Your impotent understanding of the Bible is as misguided as a TV evangelist. I am not surprised to hear you say that your life wouldn’t make any sense without your faith and that you live to serve your God. (Here is my “clinical” assessment of your condition.) Religious fanatics live on the emotional “ether” of their faith. Similar to huffing fumes, they are addicted to their religious beliefs. Yet, ironically, it is the intoxicating “fix” that they get from their faith that sustains them. (Hope that wasn’t too scientific for you.) Your situation is, of course, not without its drawbacks. One of the dilemmas with taking religious explanations at face value is that to bow to such assumptions cuts you off from any possible scientific explanation for understanding phenomena.
  Your faith seems to be fear-based. You attempt to persuade others into adopting your beliefs with the implementation of scare tactics. Why do you feel the need to underscore your convictions with a threat of my salvation? (Or perhaps you were trying to be supportive when you said, “Your scientific reasoning will not save you...”) It is interesting that you tried to recruit me into your faith using intimidation methods. (No doubt you picked up that endearing quality from your church.) I have been intrigued, for several years, with the way religious fanatics seem to have an incessant need to get others to join them. (I guess religious junkies don’t want to get emotionally “high” alone.) The simple fact is, however, I do not need to be born again; I got it right the first time. I can understand why the thought of being born again is so appealing. I’m sure it’s much easier to be born again than to have to grow up!
  You expressed an interest in finding out more about my religious beliefs. Well basically, my religion is to simply be a kind person; I’m just not a practicing member right now. (I had to turn in my kindness card when I started writing this advice column.) Your seemingly innocent query about my spirituality appears, on the surface, to be a legitimate bid for information. However, when your true intentions are revealed, it would seem that you are merely trying to bait me into revealing my beliefs so you could find something on which to condemn me. Tell me: is deception part of your religion? (That question should provide you with an interesting topic of discussion for your next Bible study group.) Your little verbal ambush has its groundings in self-righteousness. Put simply, you think that your beliefs are right and mine are wrong. (Gee, it must give you great satisfaction to believe that, someday, everyone with have to kneel down and admit that you were right, all along.) This is not the first time an evangelical Christian has endeavored to ensnare me with one of their vernacular surprise attacks. I’m getting used to it.
Your insulting comments about how “egghead scientists” resemble primates are not exactly expressions of Christian love. You resort to sarcasm because you feel intimidated by any opposing point of view. Why is it that you perceive differing opinions as a threat to your beliefs Is your faith so weak that it can not withstand debate? Instead of closing your “enlightened” mind to scientific facts, try being more objective to new information. (To put it bluntly, your metaphysical anus is too tight.) Have the courage to define your own existence rather than surrendering your free will to the preconceived notions of a dogmatic religion. You seem to be coughing out vile words as if you were exhaling air-borne germs into the community. It would be tragic if others were infected with your “bigotry bacteria.” By the way, to answer your question: yes. I have found religion! I found it to be very controlling and manipulative. Nonetheless, people can’t say I’m not religious - not with all the time I spend on my knees!
 - A Friend to the Karmically Challenged, Barbie

Sinister Minister

Dear Uncle Barbie,
There is this guy I know from high school who is now a minister. He still has a crush on me even though we graduated over 25 years ago. He is not stalking me or anything like that, but every time I run into him around town, he expresses an interest in going out with me. I have been married for 16 years, and he knows that. I have told him a million times that I am not interested in him, but he just doesn’t get it! I can’t believe that he is so obsessed that he is not able to get over me. What kind of a minister is he, anyway? My question to you is this: what causes a person like this to get so hooked on someone that they never seem to get over it? And if I could ask a second question, what do I have to do to convince him that I will never go out with him?
Signed, So Tired of It

Hello Mrs. Tired,
  Oh you poor tired thing. Boy, that guy seems like a real heel. He is like a floating poop that just won’t go down. No matter how many times you flush, he just keeps circling around but never quite goes away. And closing the lid doesn’t work, either. He may be out of sight, but he still makes himself known; the scent lingers on. One quick whiff will tell you he’s not far away. You might think that turning your back and trying to ignore him will make him go away - but no, don’t believe it! I can assure you, his signature stench will still hangs in the heavy air like the odor of a raunchy one-night-stand. (Okay, enough of that.)
  It seems clear to me that this guy is living in a fantasy world, and unfortunately, you are a part of it! I think what you should do is ruin his fantasy of you. (Oh, here’s a great idea!) Try giving him a taste of his own medicine. The next time you run into him, cling to him like a sticky booger. Talk his arm off, and only talk about yourself. While you are at it, make sure you work the words, “marriage” and “commitment” into your one-sided conversation. Most men can’t stand the thought of a marriage commitment. Nothing will chase this guy away faster than discussing wedding plans. He won’t just walk away from you - he’ll run!
A Flair for the Dramatic, Barbie

The Antichrist Of Advice Columnists

Dear Uncle Barbie,
Thanks for continuing to publish your fun, and often irreverent, column. You make my day, and it's the first thing I read when I pick up the paper each week. Your article called, More Fire & Brimstone, responded to an anti-gay
letter that was depressing, and I was quite upset about it for days. The letter writer had so much negative energy that I could almost feel it in my bones.
  My friends and family are both Christian and non-Christian, and some of the Christians are even gay (and of course, many of the non-Christian ones are not gay). Respecting diversity is a very important part of our culture, and this can be done within the Christian context; picking and choosing which Bible quotes you'd like to have apply to everyone is pretty stupid in my opinion. I wonder if the letter writer ever wears polyester, eats pork, or
gets together for a friendly neighborhood stoning to enforce "Biblical" laws.
  I know some fine Christians who respect women rather than trying to control them, and who accept that about 10% of our population is homosexual- and this loving God they claim to worship doesn't make a “mistake” 10% of the time while creating all the little souls to send to earth.
  The few loud, outspoken Christians are the ones who frankly scare the hell out of me and I stay away from them ... they seem almost Satanic in their beliefs and prejudices. "God Protect Me From Your Followers." And Barbie, keep up the good work! Maybe I'll even kiss you again someday.
Signed, Fanny Footloose

Hello Fan-Foot,
I am proud of you for having the courage to write your feelings and thoughts in a letter. I strongly believe in freedom of speech, and I encourage everyone to express him or herself in a constructive way. I actually don’t mind if religious fundamentalists talk about their beliefs, provided that they are not spreading hate. You don’t have to look far into human history to see the horrors of what can happen when groups of people start spreading hateful messages about minority groups. Even Christians have been targeted. And, yes, I also keep a constant vigilance on my own attitude and anger. I am cognizant of the fact that I, too, have biases and need to keep them in check if I want to stay positive. Ultimately, I want to assist people and leave this world a better place.
  In an attempt to be funny, my advice column can get pretty spicy, bordering on saucy, but I try my best to be a loving person. That doesn’t mean that I let people walk all over me, however. I fight ferociously for equality, for all people.
  As far as the letter writer is concerned, I did a little checking on this mysterious person, and I honestly think that he or she used a fake name. This gives me reason to pause. Just how confident are his/her beliefs if he/she
needs to hide behind a fake name? I have very little respect for people who are lukewarm about their faith.
  What frustrates me the most about these “cafeteria Christians” is that they pick and choose what parts of the Bible they like and disregard the parts they don’t like. (If you want to know which parts they like best, just look inside the Bible of any fundamentalist, and you will see that all their favorite verses have been highlighted with a fluorescent marker. I wonder if they ever read the verses they don’t underline.) If people want to treat their religion like a cafeteria lunch-line (picking and choosing what sweet morsels they find most palatable while skipping over the broccoli), then it’s no wonder they use fake names. They should be embarrassed to reveal themselves, damn it!
  It is absolutely disgusting when people use religion to justify their prejudice. And then, they have the gall to manipulate Bible verses to validate their bigotry. (It’s enough to make Jesus turn over in his grave.) The giver of life should never be used to rationalize your hatred. And I am not just talking about the Christian religion. Fanaticism within any religion is destructive. In my opinion, religious fundamentalism is essentially a type of prejudice that is spawned when self-righteousness gives birth to intolerance. And that, folks, is the scripture according to Uncle Barbie. Now, go and sin no more.
Blessed Art Thou, Barbie

More Fire & Brimstone Bullshit!

Dear Uncle Barbie,
In your last article, the advice you gave to the woman who thinks she's a lesbian and living with her boyfriend needs moral advice. Our society was born from Christian morals giving freedom so you can have your immoral column and not be shot like in those dictatorial countries. The woman rightfully feels guilty because her conscience comes from Christian values which are healthy and constructive if followed. Guilt is not a bad thing, because it prevents us from doing harm to others and ourselves. A society needs a common belief system to survive and nowadays perverts and secularists are tearing down every decent part bit by bit. This includes your brainwashing article.
  The mother first needs to marry and not live in sin which is destructive to her children; plus it's easier to stray from her boyfriend unlike in marriage where commitment to work it out is stronger. Her first responsibility is to her children not her sex life and if her boyfriend is supportive, caring, and otherwise a good partner, her responsibility is to love him and forget her perverted ideas of lesbianism. No one ever died of not having sex (quite the opposite with promiscuity, since AIDS and STDs do their damage). Any dating is to be put on hold until her kids are raised. Parents today care more about their sex escapades while too many children are left emotionally abandoned. This society is sex obsessed which is why many kids gravitate to homosexuality, drugs, sexual voyeurism, etc. and left emotionally and often physically damaged.
  Your column is very destructive to people. Many mental health doctors nowadays are not guiding patients based on Christian morals, which is why I go to a Christian therapist. God bless you and guide you to a healthy way of life. God loves all people, but if you accept Christ in your heart it will make you want to change you ways to please him. Gays have changed for Jesus even if promising to be celibate. Jesus is waiting for you, and he forgives all sins if you repent.
Signed, C. Becker

Hello Mr. or Mrs. Becker,
Oh, I am going to have fun with you! Let me start off by saying that not all Christians think the way you do. There is a huge difference between a fundamentalist Christian and a loving person who actually practices the non-judgmental teachings of Jesus. Although I believe in freedom of speech and respect you as a human being, I would like to give your shitty attitude a bitch-slap of a colossal magnitude. You have major control issues. You?re trying to control womyn, gays/lesbians/bisexuals, and all of society, for that matter. (Ya know?you would make a good dictator. Have you thought about moving to the Middle East?
  Based on your numerous spelling errors (which I corrected), I can safely assess that you are not a highly educated person. After all, why should you have to spend all that time and energy learning how to think for yourself when you have religious rules at the ready to provide you with simple answers to life’s most difficult questions? (Hallelujah! Praise the Lord for easy answers.) You are sleepwalking, C. Becker - sleepwalking in a comfortable cloud of complacency. Wake up! Try thinking for yourself instead of just believing whatever your religion tells you. Have you ever had an independent thought in your entire life? Try inventing your own spiritual beliefs, based on your supernatural experiences.?
  At the end of your judgmental letter, you wrote, “God bless you?” Is that your way of soothing your soul for having just condemned me (and thus violating Christ’s philosophy of not judging others)? The underlying theme of your letter was that your way is right and everyone else is wrong. Gee, it must feel great to be able to look down on gays and lesbians while congratulating yourself for being “right.” That is the root motivation for your belief system - to feel good. I am convinced that you have low self-esteem. Consequently, you morally disapprove of others in order to feel good about yourself. Well, I hope you enjoy your self-righteous mood because in your next life, you are going to be reincarnated as a lonely, lesbian, single mom who is persecuted by the right-wing religious community. (Karma will get ya.) So there!

Yours in Christ, Barbie

(Note To Readers: Please email me and let me know what you think regarding this issue.)

Sexuality Is Not Identity

Dear Uncle Barbie,
I am writing because I am in crisis! I am beginning to realize that I am a lesbian, but I am in a decade-long, heterosexual relationship with young children. I am really spinning over this, and I am not sure how to approach this subject with myself, let alone others. I ambeginning to think that I have just been running from this truth  about myself for so long, and I am tired. Really tired. I don’t know what to do, and I don’t know what to think. I can’t have sex with my boyfriend anymore because I feel like a stranger in the bedroom. Lying next to him is torturous because I feel so guilty. I really need some help. How do I know when enough is enough, or how do I know if I am doing the right thing?
Signed, Scared and Confused

Hello Scar-Fused,
Ya know, when I first read your question, I got rather confused when you said that you were in a “…heterosexual relationship with young children.” It kinda sounded like you were having a relalationship with young children! But then, I thought about it, and realized that you were actually talking about your boyfriend. If you genuinely believe in your heart that your affectional orientation is directed towards womyn, then you need to be true to yourself, and be who you were born to be. The exact manner in which you do that is up to you. Although there may be some similarities in the “coming out” process, every gay and lesbian has his or her own way of coming out of the closet. Your journey is a unique one unto yourself. It’s time to stop running from yourself, and face the mirror.
  You indicated that you don’t know what to do or what to think. Well, I have a suggestion - think about everyone involved in (and affected by) this situation, and do what your heart and soul tell you. I can’t tell you what is best for your life…only you know that. If you are not sexually attracted to your boyfriend and you feel like 
a stranger in bed, then he is no longer a compatible lover for you - plain and simple. And you do not have to feel guilty about that. 
  Guilt is a negative emotion that I believe is destructive. Guilt is based on shame, and no good can come from feeling ashamed. Let me put it to you this way: you do not need to feel bad about yourself as long as you live in accordance with your own standards. Notice that I said, “…your own standards” and not the standards of those around you. Far too many people live by the standards of others, trying to live up to the expectations of society. (Why do you think so many look to religious leaders for guidance?)
  You wanted to know when enough is enough. It’s enough when you say it is. This is your decision. Remember, you can be yourself, and still be a loving, caring mother to your children. Just because you may be lesbian, doesn’t mean that you can’t be a “family” womyn, if you want to be. As you are contemplating all these issues, it is very important for you to keep one thing in mind—sexual orientation is only about your sexuality; it is not your entire identity! You are more than just your sexuality. You wrote, “…how do I know if I am doing the right thing?” I’ll tell you the same thing that I tell myself everyday, “Do what enhances your life.”
Stars And Dykes Forever, Barbie

A Perverted Playground in the Human Psyche

Dear Uncle Barbie,
  I was verbally abused and occasionally touched in a sexual way as a child by members of my family. Now, as a grown woman, my sexual experiences have been in a BDSM relationship. I enjoy being submissive and sexually abused. Is this because of my childhood or just the type of sex I enjoy?
Signed, Ms. Puzzled

Hello Ms. Puzzle,
  I’m sorry to hear about the verbal abuse and incest that you experienced in your family. Unfortunately, that type of familial problem is all too common in our society (and worldwide, too, for that matter). When incestuous relationships are multigenerational (in other words, having gone on for many generations), the family members 
may start to think that this type of behavior is acceptable, especially if they were raised that way, learning from parents and grandparents. When this happens, the dysfunctional dynamics of the sexual behavior can start to feel “normalized” within the confines of that particular family. Although the abuse is still destructive, it often becomes a predictable pattern, which can be mistaken as a “normal” familial experience by the participants.
  Based on your question, it sounds as if you have already made great strides in understanding the abuse, and hopefully have started your healing process. The fact that you have identified the inappropriate behavior in your family as abuse tells me that you recognize that it was destructive. Now, perhaps, you are also better able to understand and recognize the destructive patterns of behavior in your current sexual relationships that involve bondage, sadism, and masochism (BDSM). I’m not saying that all S&M activities are destructive for everyone. However, in your particular case, you might want to closely look at your motivation for saying, “I enjoy being  submissive and sexually abused.” If you don’t mind my rephrasing your statement a little, perhaps what you really mean to say is that you are used to being abused.
  Here is how I understand the process of the formation of sexual associations. We learn to make associations based on our personal experiences. (By the way, developing a sexual association is a much different process from your sexual orientation because sexual orientation is based, in part, on genetic, biochemical and pre-natal development interacting with social learning). So when you learn to make an association whereby you pair pain with pleasure, you are basing this association on past sexual behaviors that have become familiar (and therefore comfortable) to you. Basically, what I am trying to explain here is that you seem to have linked up the experience of abuse with the experience of sexual expression. You have been taught since childhood to sexualize an abusive situation.
  Now, in your adult life, you look for these “comfortably familiar” experiences because, not only do you feel content with what is predictable, but you also feel a certain false sense of control with what you perceive to be a ordinary sexual experience. After all, you did say that you “enjoy being sexually abused.” A couple of sentences back, I used the phrase, “false sense of control.” I chose those words because you are really not in control of your S&M encounter. Rather, you are surrendering your personal power over to the other person/s. (From what I have been told by people who practice S&M, the exchange of power and control is usually shared equally between the individuals involved. Of course, those people I talked to were only sharing their personal experiences, and not speaking for all people who practice sexual bondage. So I’m sure there is some degree of variation.)
  You asked, “Is this because of my childhood or just the type of sex I enjoy?” Actually, it is both. You apparently enjoy this type of sex because you formed sexual associations to S&M experiences that stem from your roots as an abused child. The really big question, which you did not ask, is how to express your sexuality in a more healthy way. I suggest breaking the old pattern of S&M bondage, and developing some brand new sexual associations to romantic intimacy that involves gentleness, tenderness, and kindness. Obviously, this change will take a lot of time and therapy. And since the type of therapeutic support you require goes beyond the boundaries of this advice column, I strongly suggest you seek individual (as well as group) counseling from your local mental health service center. I recommend cognitive/behavioral therapy because, based on research studies, it tends to be the most effective form of therapy for your type of situation.
Shout, Shout, Let It All Out, Barbie

Kiss Your P-ass-t Goodbye

Dear Uncle Barbie,
I have a friend who is driving me crazy! She is one of those people whose life reads like a woefully bad novel. She claims that she has been depressed her whole life. It’s not that her life is really all that bad; it’s more that she interprets every event in her life as a negative, and she is not shy about sharing her misery. She keeps rehashing the past, and her stories never change. For instance, she forever tells me that she could have been a famous ballet dancer if her parents would have only bought her ballet slippers when she was a child. I’ve spent the past 30 years listening to her whine about her life, and frankly, I’ve reached the end of my patience with her. I have tried to help, but she just never DOES anything to change. In fact, I think she prefers whining to changing her life. She doesn’t   ask how I am or what I am doing. Instead, she only talks about her problems. I’m ready to chuck our friendship, but worry that I will feel guilty for doing so. HELP!
Signed, Tired of Whiney Friend

Hello Whiner,
Isn’t it interesting that you are whining about someone else’s whining. Perhaps you have more in common with your friend than you realize. Let’s start off examining your role in this scenario, and then we will take a look at your friend. The codependent relationship that you have with your friend is one that reeks of self-deception. You are playing the role of the enabler by allowing her to continue being dependent on you. I strongly agree with you that it is time to cut the apron strings, and let her be a little more self-reliant. It is fine to be a caregiver to people who are not able to care for themselves. However, you sound like a martyr who has depleted her energies and sacrificed herself in the line of duty. (A duty that is so strong that you fear you will feel guilty if you stop playing that role.) Do you have a savior complex or something? I admit that it can feel good to be the rescuer because it makes a person feel important - just don’t go overboard.
  Okay, now let’s tackle this pathetic friend of yours. What a drama queen. Her life is like reality TV without the set. I find it disappointing that she only wants you to listen to her problems, and is unwilling to reciprocate by listening to your problems. The best advice I can give her (or anyone else who wants to alleviate his/her depression) is to help someone else. Whenever I get depressed (as we all sometimes do), I will do an act of kindness for a fellow human being. This does not have to be a huge display of generosity. All you really need to do is something simple like hold the door open for someone, or give a pleasant smile to the cashier who is serving you. Change the way you view the situation. It’s not a problem; it’s a challenge. It’s not a permanent crisis; it’s a temporary setback. It’s not a personal flaw of character; it’s an area for improvement. Go out and volunteer somewhere. Giving of yourself does not have to be a big deal. It can be as simple as donating some of your used household items to Goodwill, caring for a pet, showing respect for  Mother Nature by recycling, etc.
  People who are depressed need to resist the temptation to withdraw from social interaction. Staying in bed feeling sorry for themselves and avoiding their problems will only cause them to go deeper into despair. Depression can be a very self-centered experience because people in this state of mind focus on their problems and their misery. They seldom think of how they can help others. For many years as a therapist, I have counseled people with depression, and I have heard all the excuses and justifications for why they don’t follow my suggestions. “I don’t have the time. I don’t  have the energy. I can’t…I can’t--bitch, bitch, bitch.” All their pissing and moaning gets them nowhere. If they would only take the energy that they use fighting my help, and instead apply that same level of energy toward their treatment, they would be well on their way to a happier life. But unfortunately, they keep track of all their hurts and injuries like trophies. As they would impart their painful stories to me, I was struck by how these depressed individuals would use their emotional injuries like a calendar to mark the milestones in their lives. Remembering their wounds was literally how they recorded the passage of time.
  Whenever you are dealing with someone (like your friend) who resists getting better, you need to address the motivation behind the resistance. Consider the possibility of secondary gains. By this, I mean that maybe the troubled person is receiving some kind of emotional reward for being in her current situation. For example, it is conceivable that the feel-good sympathy that she is receiving from friends and family is reinforcing her passive behavior to stay sick. Now, this brings us back to the topics of codependency and enabling behavior. (I believe we discussed your codependent behavior earlier in this article.) Looks like we have come full circle. Perhaps this would be a good place to stop.
Festively Disturbing, Barbie

Verbal Vomit in Alphabet Soup

Dear Uncle Barbie,
I understand that you, Uncle Barbie, hold a doctorate in clinical psychology. This is commendable of course, but I'm wondering if one of the reasons you decided to become proficient in this area might have been to learn enough to justify your lifestyle to others as well as yourself.
While watching Monty Python recently it came to me that in a strange sort of way they are helping people who must go mad. Instead of a mental hospital which is sort of a re-servicing factory for human breakdowns they are providing an outlet for people who have traveled further and consequently, may be more lost than psychiatrists and other sane people, can find their way further into inner space and time, and back again. Instead of the degradation ceremonial of psychiatric examination, diagnosis and prognostication, we need, for those who are ready for it...an initiation ceremonial through which the person will be guided with full social encouragement and sanction into inner space and time, by people who have been there and back again. Psychiatrically, this would appear as ex-patients helping future patients go mad. When a person goes mad, a profound transposition of his place in relation to all domains of being occurs. His center of experience moves from ego to self. Mundane time becomes merely anecdotal, only the eternal matters. Madness need not be all breakdown. It may also be breakthrough. It is potentially liberation and renewal as well as enslavement and existential death.
Signed, Whomever

Hello Who
Wow, you said a mouth full. It took me quite a while to muddle my way through your longwinded composition. (You make run-on sentences a work of art.) I must say, I got lost trying to swim the murky waters of your vocabulary. Reading your complex sentence structure is like trying to make out words floating in a hot, steamy bowl of alphabet soup--the letters may be there, but they just don't say anything! Are you trying to impress me with your "big words?" I couldn't help but notice that there was a stylistic discrepancy between the first paragraph in your letter and the second. The "mood" was different between the two. The first part used rather plain and simplistic terminology. Then, in the second part, you suddenly launched into a frenzy of sophisticated syntax. Don't get me wrong; I enjoyed frolicking in your little linguistic festival and colorful metaphors, but I think it was a bit over done. It?s similar to driving 100 MPH down the freeway with your head out the window. It?s just too much! I must say, though, your letter is a good example of literary demolition of sorts. So this is what it feels like to be chained to the grammatical wrecking ball--God, I love clich?s. (Somebody stop me; I?m out of control!)
  I get the feeling that you are using the text from someone else. Are you quoting something clever from a Monty Python script? (It sounds like their style.) If you are...you really should put quotation marks around it and cite your source. Otherwise, it is considered plagiarism. (On the other hand, I could be totally mistaken, and maybe you DID created your entire letter from the dark chambers of your own mind.) But enough of all that. Let me answer your question. Oh, wait...that's right...you didn't ask me any questions! This gives more credence to my original thought that you really only wrote this letter because you wanted to dazzle me with your glittery self. Well, relax. You don't need to work so hard to gain my approval. I have pretty low standards to begin with. Let's face it...my advice column is like a sympathetic ear to those in our society who can't find anyone more civilized to listen to them.
  The closest thing that comes to a question in your letter was when you pontificated on my motivation for earning a doctorate in clinical psychology. You wrote, ??I'm wondering if one of the reasons you decided to become proficient in this area might have been to learn enough to justify your lifestyle to others as well as yourself.? As a scientist of human behavior, I need to be open to self-examination--without bias. So I concede that you may have a point. I do have a tendency to intellectualize sexual behavior (in myself and others). However, just to give you a little history behind all of this?I believe the whole counseling profession originated from prostitution. (Actually, it?s been said that prostitution is the oldest profession, so perhaps all careers evolved out of that--hmmm.) Historically, people would visit a prostitute not only for sex but also for a little understanding, emotional comfort, sympathy, advice, and human interaction. To this day, men and womyn make appointments to see a therapist for ?human contact.? It?s not sexual contact?but think about it--the client is still paying the therapist for a little understanding, emotional comfort, sympathy, advice, and human interaction. (Sound familiar?) Although the counselor is not physically touching the client, we are still ?touching? them with our words.
  Since you seem to favor language and fancy words (based on your letter), have you ever done any research on the origins of the word, therapist? (This should blow your mind!) If you put a slash mark between the E and the R in the word, therapist, you will see that the term becomes two words--the/rapist. This is because therapists ?penetrate? the mind. (Ya gotta admit, when a person goes in for a psychological evaluation, there is a lot a ?probing? going on.) It?s not a sexual thing?it?s more of a mind f**k. I can?t speak for all therapists, but quite frankly, I tend to think of myself as simply being a polished intellectual whore. (It keeps me humble.) So I tip my hat to you for successfully analyzing this advice columnist. Congratu-f**king-lations! Now you can sit back, revel in your brilliant idioms, and bask in the glowing radiance of your self-importance. (Or maybe I?m just projecting.) Wrap your mind around that!
Your Intellectual Whore, Barbie

Surviving a Chaotic Childhood

My Dearest Uncle Barbie,
I am a near forty something woman who was taken away from my parents as a small child and given to my aunt. My other six siblings were sent to foster homes. My mother was a raging alcoholic, and my father was present but not present. Anyway, due to health issues, no foster home would take me (thankfully things have changed a bit since then...). Growing up, I always wanted to be a part of a family. My aunt would always introduce her two biological daughters, and then introduce me as my brother's girl. After a decade and a half of this, you kind of get the idea that YOU ARE AN OUTSIDER! Thankfully, my cousins have always treated me as a sister, for better or for worse.
  Now comes the fun part! My biological siblings and I have always held each other at arms length. I have watched them drink themselves into oblivion, beat their children, go in and out of jail, and use every person they have come into contact with. When I left my aunt's house and got out on my own, I allowed myself to be pulled into only one situation where my oldest brother tried to use me to get drugs and booze, and I said, Forget it. I felt the only way to keep out of all of their drama was to just remove myself from the situation. So I got a job on the other side of the world, met my husband, moved back to the states, and now live here in Minnesota, far removed from their craziness.
  As I am getting older, I think I'm emotionally mature enough to try to bridge the gap with my biological family. I talk to my mom by email (she is no longer drinking and has been dry for years). I have tried to reach one of my brothers and his new wife, but he won't answer any of my emails. Now, a different brother is in the last stages of his battle with AIDS, and my mom has told me that he doesn't have long to live. This brother is an interesting fellow; he insisted he got the disease through IV drug use and told me many years ago that he hated having the disease because everyone thought he was a fag. I told him at that time that I didn't care how he got it. The cause was irrelevant to me. Well, as the years passed, it came out (or should I say, he came out?) and told us he was bisexual. He is divorced from his wife, but they still live together. Apparently, my wonderful biological siblings set upon him like a pack of wolves when they heard this news, and he has withdrawn from the family (much like I did). My mom tells me that he is now withdrawing from her, as well. She has been trying to bring him back into the family for years.
  So, after all that, my question is this: How can I reconnect with my brother? I have a feeling that he will take my attempts to contact him as pity and will get annoyed. I don't want to get him worked up. I just want to let him know that I'm sorry we haven't been closer. I don't want my brother to die feeling like his family doesn't love him. Soooo. Any thoughts?
Signed, Confused in the City

Hello Confused City Girl,
Thank you for having the courage to open up your heart and share your personal story with me. It takes a special person to have that kind of strength. One of the nice things about being an advice columnist is that I have the privilege of being able to read the deeply touching narratives from readers. If the people from your childhood did not appreciate you, that's their problem - not yours. Based on your description, your siblings are a bunch of sociopathic users who treat others as objects to be exploited. (Yeah, chemical dependency and narcissism make for an ugly mix.) If some of your brothers don't return your emails and refuse to reconnect with you, then accept that. You have done your part in the communication process by letting them know that you would like to reestablish contact. The rest is up to them. If they do not respond, don't push it. It will only drive them further away.
  I am proud of you for showing support to your brother who is dying of AIDS. I have seen many cases where families have turned their backs on their own kin because of HIV and AIDS. When I was finishing my doctoral dissertation on hypnotic pain management, I did a year of volunteer work serving people living with AIDS. It was especially heartbreaking during the holiday season because most of them would not even get so much as a card or a phone call from their parents. I truly do not understand how a mother or father can abandon their own child just because that child is dying from a disease (like AIDS) that carries a negative social stigma. Its NOT shameful to have a family member with HIV/AIDS; it IS shameful to have so much prejudice and condemnation for a loved one that you turn away when that person needs you the most. Regardless of what religion you subscribe to, every major religion in the world teaches that we should all love one another. Maybe AIDS is not so much a curse as it is a test of our love.
  You asked how you can reconnect with your brother. There is no magical formula. Just send him a letter expressing your compassion and your love for him. If he writes you back, great! If he does not, there is really not much else you can do. Be at peace knowing that you have told him how you feel. Once again, congratulations for having survived such a crazy childhood. You are a beautiful soul.
Compassion with Pride, Barbie
Uncle Barbie: the mouthpiece of Satan.