Disclaimer: Although the author of this syndicated column holds a doctorate in clinical psychology, the tongue-in-cheek advice given is for entertainment only and is not a substitute for therapy. Send your questions to Uncle Barbie: AskUncleBarbie@msn.com.

What Devil?
Dear Uncle Barbie,
All my life I have been told that sinful thoughts and actions came from the Devil. Later, as a teenager, a Catholic priest told me that homosexual desires were from the Devil. Every once in a while, I get the feeling that the Devil has caused a lot of the problems in my life. For example, I have had trouble at work because I sneak food from the kitchen when I am not supposed to. I also feel the temptation to lie a lot, even when I do not have to. I just do. Don’t know why. Anyway, I am sure that I am a good person, so it MUST be the Devil who is tempting me. What do you think?
Signed, Time Warrior

Hello Time Warrior,
As I read your question, the thought struck me that you are trying to avoid personal responsibility for your own behavior by putting the blame on this character you call the Devil. This gives evidence of your lack of emotional maturation. Let me be blunt about this; the only devils are the ones of your own creation. It is clear to me that you do not want to face your own dark side, so you choose to believe in some kind of evil creature that makes you do things that are viewed as bad. No doubt, your parents and religious leaders reinforce this belief system within your mind. It is time to face the fact that your gay feelings are stemming from you. I hate to be the one to tell you this, but your gay desires are a reflection of you—not the Devil. The more you believe in the Devil the more power you give to him or her. So stop feeding him or her your energy and own your own shadow.
  I think that Satan, and other demonic creatures, were created in history by the need to externalize the human dark side or shadow-self. People sometimes want someone else or something else to place blame upon for all the destructive events that are otherwise unexplainable (like natural disasters). Of course, those same people would never consider the possibility that God caused the destruction. Consequently, the Devil became a convenient scapegoat. (By the way, this is precisely what you are doing when you blame the Devil for your unethical behavior at work and your compulsive lying.) You also have what we call in psychology a blind spot. Meaning that you are unaware of the fact that you refuse to look at your shadow-self, and instead excuse the negative behaviors that are incongruent with your idealized-self. It is obvious why people do this: because the incongruent behaviors create a feeling of anxiety, which people attempt to escape from by externalizing the anxiety-producing behavior onto something outside of themselves. This type of blind spot is evident in your question when you wrote, “Anyway, I am sure that I am a good person, so it MUST be the Devil who is tempting me.”
  So how did all of these misunderstandings come about? Well, historically, it was believed that everything had to have an opposite (black or white thinking). In order for one thing to be holy, something else had to be unholy. All things deemed “good” were thought of as being from God. And anything deemed as “bad” was thought of as “evil” and the direct result of the Devil. The unfortunate outcome of this type of dual thinking is that by believing in a purely divine God, devils are also created as opposites. Worse yet, some members of fundamentalist religious groups make the mistaken assumption that homosexual behavior is a sin, so therefore people who are gay and lesbian must be evil as well. Tragically, by demonizing gay people it makes it easier for the fundamentalists to dehumanize us, which in turn justifies their acts of discrimination, mistreatment, and hatred. Satan was conceived out of human fears and exists only in the minds of those who choose to believe in him or her. You can remedy this dysfunctional belief system by changing your thoughts and attitude. Acknowledge the old beliefs for what they are--historical myths that thrive off of our society’s collective belief in them. If you want your demons dead, stop believing in them, and for goodness’ sake, take responsibility for your own behaviors.
Happy Transformation, Barbie
Astrological Etiquette
Dear Uncle Barbie,
My sister and I are wondering about the etiquette of something in a new romantic relationship; namely, how soon may one inquire as to the exact moment of the significant other's birth? As you probably are aware, this piece of information (the hour and minute on the day and year of one's birth) is vital to preparation of the person's astrological chart. After all, it would be nice to be able as early as possible to get prepared for the probable compatibilities or incompatibilities one will experience in a new relationship as dictated by the stars.
Signed, Emily P.

Hello Ms. P,
How Crafty of the two of you to be brewing up an astrological chart for your new romantic relationship. And just in time for Valentine's Day, too. (Of course, I don't know if an astrologer, such as the two of you, would celebrate a holiday that is named after Saint Valentine. But who knows, maybe you're spiritually eclectic.) Anyway, getting back to your question. I think that the timing needs to be just right. If you ask personal information about your partner's birth on the first day, that will make him/her defensive (and maybe even a little turned off). On the other hand, you don't want to wait too long into the relationship because then you may discover that you have been wasting your time with someone with whom you are incompatible. Hmmm, what to do? What would an herbal/healing witch, like me, do in a situation such as this one?
     Let me look into my crystal ball and see if I can draw on some wisdom from the ancients. Hmmm, the images that I see in the crystal ball appear to be many faces with eyes peering back at me. The sense that I get for you is that there are too many people involved in your current romantic endeavor. Perhaps there are too many eyes watching what's going on in your personal affairs. I think that it would greatly improve things if you were to proceed with your new relationship without the involvement of your friends. If your date senses that there are other people scrutinizing him/her, then your date may get spooked and back away. I'm sure you have heard of the phrase, "Too many cooks spoil the broth." Well in this case, too many astrologers can spoil the brew." (So to speak.)
   Your question asked about etiquette. The simple fact is that nobody likes to be analyzed, classified, and categorized. And although you may not intend to pigeonhole your new partner, unfortunately he/she may end up feeling that way when all is said and done. What I suggest is that you wait until your new significant other is comfortable with you as a person. Then let him/her know that you are an astrologist (in other words, come out of the broom closet, honey). After that, ask your partner if he/she wants to have an astrological chart done. If the answer is no, then respect that. If the answer is yes, then you know that you have earned his/her trust. Make it an enjoyable experience that the two of you can share together, rather than doing the chart privately. That's my idea of proper astrological etiquette.
  As far as your desire to find out the compatibilities or incompatibilities early in the relationship, there are many different ways to reveal these things in addition to looking to the stars. My favorite way is to use a technique known as gazing. You simply have the person gaze at something for a long time (like clouds, a pool of water, a campfire, or simply the flame on a candle), and then have him/her tell you what he/she sees. Whatever is seen while gazing reveals personality traits that have been drawn out from the shadows of the person's subconscious. Then you will have all the information you need to determine if the two of you are compatible as long term partners or not. Just remember to be open about what you are doing, and inform the other person as to what is going on. Honesty and clear communications are the very best form of compatibility you can build in any relationship. As the ancient sages state, "Do as ye will, lest ye harm none."
Blessed Be, Barbie
An Imitation Christ
Dear Uncle Barbie,
Why do I take such pleasure in knowing that Christ is going to punish the people I don't like? Several days ago, I ran into a woman who used to be my neighbor. I never did like her very much, but now I actually hate her, especially after what she said to me about my dad. She asked me, "What's new?" I started telling her that my dad was in the hospital and very sick. She smirked and said, "Oh, then there is a God after all." She was actually happy to hear that my dad was suffering. I know that my dad and she never got along very well, but I can't believe that she would be happy to find out that he was in pain. The only way I could make myself feel better was to tell myself that she would, undoubtedly, go to Hell for being such a bad person. It felt really good to know that she would burn in Hell for all eternity. So my question to you is this, why do I feel so happy knowing that my enemies are going to Hell?
Signed, Amber

Hello Amber,
Perhaps your name should be Ember rather than Amber (as in, a burning ember from Hell). You say you believe that Christ will punish the people you don't like. Thinking of Jesus as a vengeful god is to believe in an imitation Christ. For most loving people, wishing that another human being would spend eternity in pain would be a new low. For you, however, I suspect that this is just a new medium. I find it interesting that both you and your former neighbor draw satisfaction from the suffering of your enemies. I know you will hate me for saying this, but the two of you are more alike than you want to admit. (Now, I suppose, you are going to fantasize about me having a reservation at hotel Hell for making that last comment.) I am not intentionally trying to annoy you. It's just that it is my job, as a therapist, to cut through all the bullshit and point out the issues that everyone else is tiptoeing around. The issue here is, you want to see her suffer just as much as she wants to see your dad suffer. Of course, I cannot FORCE either one of you to change your attitude. As an advice columnist, it is not my job to CHANGE human behavior--only to poke fun of it. (It's a nice job, if you can get it.)
  I am able to recognize and identify this type of destructive thought pattern because I grew up in a religious household that implemented and put into practice said mindset. Now that I look at this issue from a familial/domestic perspective, I am starting to sense that this whole punitive attitude of retaliation is starting to take on the flavor of parental punishment. I think most of us remember hearing the threatening phrase, "You're gonna get it when dad gets home." Perhaps this need you have to punish the "unholy" is a carryover from your childhood days when your parents unconsciously modeled that attitude for you. Be honest with yourself; you had to have picked up that viewpoint somewhere. Upon a broader reflection of societal values, the legal system in this country seems to be based on a punitive and moralistic foundation rather than one of rehabilitation and reconciliation. Even in the courtrooms, judges make similar moralistic statements, such as, "I can only sentence you to life in prison, but there is a greater judgment that awaits you after you die." How many times have we heard the statement, "You will have to answer for your crimes to a higher power in the next life"?
  To answer your question more specifically, I think you feel happy believing that your enemies are going to Hell because it reinforces your belief in a just world. Believing that the people who hurt you will, in turn, also be hurt is a defense mechanism. You are simply trying to console yourself--to even the score. It is a rather futile mental exercise and one that I strongly suggest you break. It's counterproductive to waste your energy on fantasies of petty revenge. Instead, focus your attention on more positive thoughts. All major religions encourage their members to love their fellow human beings. Since you have indicated that you are a Christian, I will relay the information in a contextual framework to which you will be more accustomed. Christ commanded his followers to love one another--even to love their enemies. That's quite an undertaking. However, you will find that feeling love is a much more rewarding experience than harboring hatred in your heart. We all have free will, so choose to think of your enemies as being a test from God/Goddess to see how well you can love your fellow human beings. Use THAT to console yourself.
A Clear Sign of the Apocalypse, Barbie

Quick Advice for Sinners on the Go
Dear Uncle Barbie,
I read your column on a regular basis, and I wonder what your religious beliefs are. Have you found religion? I like the advice you give, but you always give clinical answers to whatever questions people ask you. God is the only answer anyone needs, not science. If it weren't for my faith, life would not make any sense. I live to serve God and so should you. The scriptures say, "Every knee shall bow, and every tongue shall confess that Jesus Christ is Lord." So no matter how much you try to fight it, eventually, when you die and stand before God, you will be forced to your knees and have to acknowledge that Jesus is Lord! Your scientific reasoning will not save you, then.
Signed, David B.

Hello Davie-Baby,
Ah, yes, the delightful experience of listening to the moralistic spewing of an evangelist (reminiscent of fingernails slowly scratching down a chalkboard, but not as amusing). Your impotent understanding of the Bible is as misguided as a TV evangelist. I am not surprised to hear you say that your life wouldn't make any sense without your faith and that you live to serve your God. I think religious fanatics live on the emotional "ether" of their faith. Similar to huffing fumes, they are addicted to their religious beliefs. Yet, ironically, it is the intoxicating "fix" that they get from their faith that sustains them. Your situation is, of course, not without its drawbacks. One of the dilemmas with taking religious explanations at face value is that to bow to such assumptions cuts you off from any possible scientific explanation for understanding phenomena.
  Your faith seems to be fear-based. You attempt to persuade others into adopting your beliefs with the implementation of scare tactics. Why do you feel the need to underscore your convictions with a threat of my salvation? (Or perhaps, you were trying to be supportive when you said, "Your scientific reasoning will not save you...") It is interesting that you tried to recruit me into your faith using intimidation methods. (No doubt you picked up that endearing quality from your church.) I have been intrigued, for several years, with how religious fanatics seem to have an incessant need to get others to join them. (I guess religious junkies don't want to get emotionally "high" alone.) The simple fact is, however, I do not need to be born again; I got it right the first time. I can understand why the thought of being born again is so appealing. I'm sure it's much easier to be born again than to have to grow up! Your seemingly innocent query about my spirituality appears, on the surface, to be a legitimate bid for information. However, when your true intentions are revealed, it would seem that you are merely trying to bait me into revealing my beliefs so you could find something on which to condemn me. Tell me, is deception part of your religion? (That question should provide you with an interesting topic of discussion for your next Bible study group.) Your little verbal ambush has its groundings in self-righteousness. Put simply, you think that your beliefs are right and mine are wrong. (Gee, it must give you great satisfaction to believe that someday everyone will have to kneel down and admit that you were right, all along.) This is not the first time an evangelical Christian has endeavored to ensnare me with one of their vernacular surprise attacks. I'm getting used to it.
  Have the courage to define your own existence rather than surrendering your free will to the preconceived notions of a dogmatic religion. You seem to be coughing out vile words as if you were exhaling air-borne germs into the community. It would be tragic if others were infected with your "bigotry bacteria." By the way, to answer your question…yes. I have found religion--I found it to be very controlling and manipulative. Nonetheless, people can't say I'm not religious…not with all the time I spend on my knees!
A Friend to the Karmically Challenged, Barbie

The Antichrist of Advice Columnists
Dear Uncle Barbie,
Thanks for continuing to publish your fun, and often irreverent, column. You make my day, and it's the first thing I read when I pick up the paper each week. Your response to anti-gay letters is delightful. The people who write homophobic letters have so much negative energy that I can almost feel it in my bones. My friends and family are both Christian and non-Christian, and some of the Christians are even gay (and of course, many of the non-Christian ones are not gay).
  Respecting diversity is a very important part of our culture, and this can be done within the Christian context; picking and choosing which Bible quotes you'd like to have apply to everyone is pretty stupid in my opinion. Do these self-righteous people ever wear polyester, eat pork, or get together for a friendly neighborhood stoning to enforce Biblical laws? I know some fine Christians who respect women rather than trying to control them, and who accept that about 10% of our population is homosexual--and this loving God they claim to worship doesn't make a "mistake" 10% of the time while creating all the little souls to send to earth. The few loud, outspoken Christians are the ones who frankly scare the Hell out of me, and I stay away from them. They seem almost Satanic in their beliefs and prejudices. God, Protect Me From Your Followers. And Barbie, keep up the good work!
Signed, Lisa F.

Hello Miss F.,
  I am proud of you for having the courage to write your feelings and thoughts in a letter. I strongly believe in freedom of speech, and I encourage everyone to express him or herself in a constructive way. I actually don't mind if religious fundamentalists talk about their beliefs--provided that they are not spreading hate. You don't have to look far into human history to see the horrors of what can happen when groups of people start spreading hateful messages about minority groups. Even Christians have been targeted. And, yes, I also keep a constant vigilance on my own attitude and anger. I am cognizant of the fact that I, too, have biases and need to keep them in check if I want to stay positive. Ultimately, I want to assist people and leave this world a better place.
  In an attempt to be funny, my advice column can get pretty spicy--bordering on saucy--but I try my best to be a loving person. That doesn't mean that I let people walk all over me, however. I fight ferociously for equality--for all people. As far as homophobes are concerned, I am quite convinced that most of them use a fake name when they send in their letters. This gives me reason to pause. Just how confident are they in their beliefs if they need to hide behind a fake name? I have very little respect for people who are lukewarm about their faith. What frustrates me the most about these cafeteria-Christians is that they pick and choose what parts of the Bible they like and disregard the parts they don't like. (If you want to know which parts they like best, just look inside the Bible of any fundamentalist, and you will see that all their favorite verses have been highlighted with a fluorescent marker. I wonder if they ever read the verses they don't underline.) If people want to treat their religion like a cafeteria lunch-line (picking and choosing what sweet morsels they find most palatable while skipping over the broccoli), then it's no wonder they use fake names. They SHOULD be embarrassed to reveal themselves--damn it!
  It is absolutely disgusting when people use religion to justify their prejudice. And then, they have the gall to manipulate Bible verses to validate their bigotry. (It's enough to make Jesus turn over in his grave.) The Creator should never be used to rationalize a person's hatred. And I am not just talking about the Christian religion. Fanaticism within any religion is destructive. In my opinion, religious fundamentalism is essentially a type of prejudice that is spawned when self-righteousness gives birth to intolerance. And that, folks, is the scriptures according to Uncle Barbie. Now, go and sin no more.
Blessed Art Thou, Barbie

Troubled Transgendered Trainee
Dear Uncle Barbie,
Uncle Barbie is not only pleasantly profane, he also lays well with others.A long time friend, constantly on the verge of suicide, finally told me his real problem: he's a woman trapped in a man's body. He wants to get a sex-change operation but he's low-income. He expressed frustration in finding any guidance; support groups only introduced him to more people as desperate as himself. I'd heard Minnesota is the only state that subsidizes TS operations, so I contacted the University of Minnesota Program in Sexuality (which took a LOT of web searching to find--it seems they want to stay secret). They told me that the state only provides financial aid for people who have started on therapy before 1994, and it costs $170 alone to enroll. I also contacted a support group in Minneapolis and they never returned my calls. I see why there's a 70 percent suicide rate for people like him. Any suggestions?
Signed, Trying to be Supportive

Dear Supporter,
It sounds like you are a true friend to this person. I am glad to see that you are so compassionate towards him. I have heard that in order to qualify for sexual reassignment surgery, the person who is transgendered needs to have at least two years of psychological therapy. Part of this therapy involves dressing as the opposite sex, 24 hours a day, for a full 12 months. This is so that the transgendered person can experience what it is like to be seen as the opposite sex on an continuous basis and in many different settings (like at work, at home, in the stores, on the street, and other public places).
  If this type of therapy is required, then you might want to suggest to your friend that she start her personal therapy now. That way, when she does find a surgeon, she will be prepared and ready to undergo the sexual reassignment procedure. There is a lot of psychological preparation that goes into emotionally preparing ones self for such a major life-changing step at this one. This is not a decision to be made lightly.
  By the way, you indicated that your friend had low income and was having a difficult time financing the surgery. I was talking to a transgendered friend of mine, and she said that she had her sexual reassignment surgery done in Thailand because the cost of the operation was more affordable, and the physicians that do that type of procedure are very experienced and well trained. If I remember the dollar amount correctly, I think she told me that sexual reassignment surgery done in the U.S.A. costs about 20 thousand dollars. However, the same operation done in Thailand costs only 5 thousand dollars. (If you would like to email me privately and give me your home phone number, I can pass your number on to my transgendered friend. She can talk to you on the phone and may be able to assist you.)
  Now let's address the issue of suicidal ideations. Since your friend has a history of making suicidal gestures, I strongly suggest that you convince her to seek mental health treatment as soon as possible. Suicide is nothing to fool around with. Get her psychological help right away! I wish you all the best. I hope you continue to be such a supportive friend to her. She is lucky to have you in her life.
Love & Understanding, Barbie

Suicidal Transgendered Brother
Dear Uncle Barbie,
I'm very worried about my brother, who is also my best friend. He has a long history of emotional problems, which have only got worse since our Mom died. He has a nearly successful suicide attempt in his past. He is transgendered (heavily closeted) out only to me. He calls himself "a lesbian trapped inside a man's body," and has expressed a wish to be "a slender young blonde girl named Jennifer" (which is the name he would've got had he been born female). Lately he's talked about how he might be able to fulfill his wish in Heaven or in a future life. And the most recent development is he just bought a book about angels and has been talking a lot about how androgynous they are, and how pretty they look. Knowing how his mind works, I'm very worried that he's going to kill himself, so he can be a pretty little angel named Jennifer. If he did, I don't know how I could live with myself, considering I promised our Mom I'd look after him. What can I do? 
Signed, Raging Against the Dying of the Light.

Hello Dying Light,
  You need to act on your concerns—immediately. Don't wait, and don't try to guess what your brother is thinking. Talk to your brother, and ask him if he has any plans to hurt himself. If the answer is "yes," take him to the nearest psychiatric unit of any hospital. Tell the hospital staff about your concerns regarding his suicidal ideations. They are trained to deal with this type of crisis. They can evaluate your brother and determine if he is suicidal and if he needs to be hospitalized. From there, the mental health staff can care for his well being and make sure he has proper "follow-up" care and counseling.
  If, on the other hand, your brother says that he is not planning to hurt himself, then just be a good friend to him. Stay in contact with him and be emotionally supportive. Let him know that you love him, and that you are concerned about him. Keep in mind that there is only so much you can do. If your brother does suicide (despite your efforts to help him), then you need to know that you did your best, and that you were a good brother to him. People have free will, and you cannot control them—especially when they already have a mental illness that may be interfering with their cognitive functioning and distorting their perception of reality. You have my compassion. Caring for someone who has mental health issues is often a very emotionally draining experience. My thoughts are with you.
We are Only Human, Barbie

Monotonous Message
Dear Uncle Barbie,
Hi, it's me again, Waterloo. I'm that irritating guy who writes and asks you where I want to go. I read your column in and out trying not to get too loose. Reading you makes it an ever-so-busy, yet refreshing, day. It helps me grasp! I lounged around the group home today. A cute guy asked me if I do it!!! I was asked if I was in need. What ever should I say? I didn't act my usual self because I didn't know who he wanted me to be. What do you think? Analyze me. (Sometimes, I feel that Uncle Barbie is remodeling my mind which is an achievement in itself considering I'm on a cloud-cuckoo-land course.) I'm working real hard with this guy with a big basket, which turns out to be a hanging basket. You should try it, it can be fun! This past weekend I was gonna come, but that was quickly put to an end by the house staff. But we still rock at Trivial Pursuit! It didn't hurt that we angered the gods if we were able to pick up right where we left off. I clash with a man that I know in the home, where I often battle this guy. It shouldn't be so uneven. No person deserves that. Over dinner, we clashed about pieces of pie. That was our first battle, and we've been scrapping for pie ever since. That was a purely random thing. Luckily for us, I got my eight hours of sleep. My philosophy—hibernate your problems away. I personally am going to bed right now. 
Signed, Waterloo

Hello Waterloo,
I do not know what it is like to have a psychotic mind, so pardon me if I can't keep up with your cognitive blathering. Since you clearly have a psychological disorder (and I have sympathy for people inflicted with your condition), I feel the need to reiterate my advice column disclaimer to you. The American Psychological Association (APA) clearly points out that when a therapist gives advice in a casual/social setting, he or she needs to clarify that the advice given does not constitute a therapeutic relationship between the giver of the advice and the receiver. Therefore, let me make it crystal clear to you that writing to Uncle Barbie should, in no way, be misconstrued as being a therapeutic relationship. If you have mental health issues (and you do), you need to find your own private therapist who is licensed in your state (for you, Waterloo, that would be the state of confusion). That therapist can treat you for your psychological disorder with the combination of medications and one-on-one therapy. Personally, I think you need to have your meds adjusted. Based on your writings, it sounds like your blood levels are off—way off!
Too Many Voices, Barbie
Defining Love
Dear Uncle Barbie,
What is love? A feeling or unconditional commitment? Maybe it's both? 
Unsigned

Hello Unsigned,
  From a psycho-dynamic perspective, the feeling of love stems from the unconscious mind (were our primal desires lie). Since this desire is unconscious, many people do not know where these deep feelings of love are coming from (as may be the case with you). They wonder why they feel so passionately in love with a person for no apparent reason.
  Additionally, love is more than just a feeling. It is a need, as well--a physical need for intimacy and touch. (You may have heard about the studies that were done in orphanages where the babies who were not touched had a much higher mortality rate than the babies who were touched.) People need to be touched in a nurturing way—at any age.
  Love can also be qualified as a biological need to reproduce (although some of us have learned to control our reproductive urges—thank goodness). Which reminds me, although experiencing the emotion of love is not a conscious choice, the expression of love as an action is within our control. This is where different cultures vary regarding courting rules, ethics, and morals. You asked about unconditional commitment. This, of course, would fall under the heading of "love as a CHOICE." Commitment is a firm decision you consciously choose.
  Before I end, I need to say that love is not always sexual. Family, friends, and pets are all examples of living things that we love (romance not needed). But I don't think that's the type of love that your question was referring to, now was it? No, I didn't think so.
Love Whom You Please, but Please Whom You Love, Barbie

A Complex Computation of Confusion
Dear Uncle Barbie,
  It's Waterloo. Last night at the group home, we watched some reality TV with my close friends. I think these reality shows are like traveling down a paved road; of course it has potholes, but it also has more. But no problem, I don't mind. Believe it or not, I kind of like it. I'm permitted outside. I can be found at the park where I read your column over and over again; I'm still loose though. Sometimes, I feel that I want to, but then, I don't. Again Uncle Barbie remodeled my psyche (which is a cousin to my brain). After Saturday, my family took me out for a bite; it's worth it though. I'm getting some cool stuff out of them, huh? Looking back, I lucked out - I got a permanent welfare account! I thought about it and went back to where I met up with another friend (which makes it a good day). Yeah baby! A couple times it was possible to go all the way with my friend, but it didn't happen. What an interesting life I have. Haven't had anything to eat and a few times I wished a belated birthday so many times just for cake. Speaking of food, I can smell what the staff is cooking for dinner tonight…mmmm. Gotta go!  
Signed, Waterloo

Hello Waterloo,
Mr. Waterloo, you are a never ending source of astonishment. Your psyche is like a gold mine - the deeper I dig, the more I find. However, you didn't ask me a question. You were rambling so much I started wondering if you were trying to work through a brain blockage? Your every commentary is a complex computation of confusion. Let me try my hand at it, and see how you like it; here's a quote from Marilyn Manson, from the song, "Cryptorchid," off the album, Antichrist Superstar, "When a boy is still a worm, it's hard to learn the number seven." Try to figure that one out. Confused? Good; now you know how it feels to read one of your letters.
  Perhaps you need a referral. Let me direct your psychotic mumblings to your local, neighborhood psychic chums. I'm sure they could find something capricious to say about your whimsical perspective on life. Furthermore, Mr. Waterloo, you should consider undergoing regressive, false memory therapy, so you can uncover some erroneous, memory fabrications to write me about in my next issue. You're a real piece of work!
Sniffing the Daffodils, Barbie
Recovery from Sexual Abuse
Dear Uncle Barbie,
After half a lifetime spent "being there" for my sexually abused partner—complete with extensive damages to the children involved, as well as irreversible, psychological scars to myself—said partner left me (taking all the assets) for a partner with all the appearance of similar sexual abuse. In the process, irreparable harm has been done to my children and grandchildren, my finances, and my life. Within a sexual relationship with an abused person, "being there"—caring, patient, and respectful, and all the other similar advice you poured out— is not enough. You need to face those gorgons with your partner on a very intimate level. This is not a task for the warm and fuzzy. And lastly, you must also be prepared to accept that (as with my own story), in the end, your partner may not have the courage or the resources that it takes to go the ultimate distance.
Signed, A Survivor of a Survivor

Hello Survivor,
     It sounds like you are crawling through a jungle of depression. This grueling relationship has eaten you hollow. I hope you are receiving some professional counseling of your own. I am sorry to hear that she left you for another. Have you considered the possibility that when she ran away from you, she was really running away from herself? Maybe she did not feel that she deserved the love and care you gave her. If you treated her with the love and respect that every human deserves, and her self-perception was that of an unlovable person, then this would create a conflict within her which ultimately manifests itself as unbearable anxiety. Everyone naturally tries to get away from anxiety. So she left, and found someone who (according to your description) is as psychologically wounded as she is. Please don't think that I am blaming you for the collapse of your relationship. On the contrary, I admire your loving commitment and dedication. Her decision to leave was her choice. You are only responsible for your own actions; she is responsible for hers. It sounds like you did all you could have done. Now it is time to focus on taking care of yourself with as much care as you have shown to her. It's time to heal as best as you can. In your letter, you refer to the "irreversible, psychological scars" that you have endured. I do not believe that any psychological scar is completely irreversible. There is always hope. It will take time, however. Just as a small sapling eventually grows into a strong tree, you, too, can heal those scars and reach for the sunshine.
    The flavor of your letter seems to indicate that you are blaming yourself for everything that has happened. This, and other indignities, justifies your feelings of self-dishonor. However, you are in control of your own attitude. You need to stop thinking about the negative things. There is enough misery in life; you don't need to revisit it in your mind. Think of yourself as a survivor, instead of a victim. Change the memory by using cognitive restructuring. In other words, change the way you view the situation by focusing on the positive aspects. You always have the power to choose your attitude. Do not let anyone else write your life script for you. You give the meaning to the event. The best thing I can tell you is don't let your pain become your identity. Let your life experiences become your teachers. Once you have learned lessons from your pain, you can draw strength from that wisdom. And that strength can see you through just about anything!
Forgive and Forget, Barbie
Psychotic Incoherencies
Dear Uncle Barbie,
     Some kind of a comedian, are we? The Devil's name is dullness. The last temptation is the greatest treason: to do the right deed for the wrong reason. The monarchy is a labor intensive industry. To do the same thing over and over again is not only boredom: it is to be controlled by rather than to control what you do. Force is not a remedy. The master's eye is the best fertilizer. Screw up your courage, you screwed up everything else. The ordinary man is involved in action, the hero acts. An immense difference. When in doubt, wear red. When you put faith, hope, and love together, you can raise positive kids in a negative world. An army of deer would be more formidable commanded by a lion, than an army of lions commanded by a stag. O lyric Love, half angel and half bird. And all a wonder and a wild desire.
  When all else is lost, the future still remains. A specialist is someone who does everything else worse. The old know what they want; the young are sad and bewildered. I must, in the face of a storm, think, live, and die as a king. To live is like to love--all reason is against it and all healthy instinct for it. In the advance of civilization, it is new knowledge which paves the way, and the pavement is eternal. We cannot banish dangers, but we can banish fears. We must not demean life by standing in awe of death. Evangelical faith without Christian ethics is a travesty on the gospel. Inhabit ourselves that we may indeed do what we want to do. If the single man plant himself indomitably on his instincts, and there abide, the huge world will come round to him. Do you think I should have lived comfortably so long, if ever I had been married? Baggage! The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother. Atheism is easy in fair weather.
Signed, Waterloo

Hello Waterloo,
What the f~#*! Are you psychotic? I swear; I receive the most bizarre questions. Why do I get all the weirdoes? Save some of your psychotic incoherencies for your psychologist. With a therapist, you don't need to worry about rejection. The only question in your sprawling vernacular rambling was the very first sentence which asked, "Some kind of a comedian, are we?" To answer your well thought out question—yes, I am some kind of comedian; how anal of you to notice. The rest of your comments were not questions at all! Still, your words echo in the ventricles of my brain. These statements are reminiscent of phrases that I have encountered throughout my life. They sound like typical, long-winded, dogmatic blathering—like the kind of verbal vomit I used to hear from religious fundamentalists. (Their monotonous messages may fade, but their trailing scent still lingers. Meow!)
  By the way, do you even have an original thought in your entire head? All you are doing is plagiarizing popular quotes that have been published by other authors, and then trying to pass them off as capricious creations of your own whimsical wisdom. I suspect that you are doing this because it is your thwarted way of assembling an attempt to appear clever by spewing intellectual quotes (and thereby appearing important). However, the problem is, you have a plethora of loose associations in your flow of thought which, unfortunately, comes off sounding like the totality of your personality is comprised of an accumulation of flaws (and therein lies the rub). In the field of psychology, we refer to this verbal deprivation as "cognitive slippage." (It's kind of like a brain fart.) In my professional opinion, it sounds as if you are in a state of psychological decomposition. I really think you need to get back on your meds. Otherwise you are headed for a psychotic break! (That is, if you are not already in the throes of one, right now.)
Poetically Put, Barbiecomedy "A Touch of Pink"

Mind Your Own Damn Business
Dear Uncle Barbie,
If people would worry more about themselves instead of sticking their noses into other people's business, would we have less complication in our lives? 
Signed, Mr. Wondering

Hello Mr. Wondering,
Yes, of course! There would be far fewer complications if people just minded their own business. In other words, people need to weed their own gardens, and not be so concerned about the weeds in their neighbor's garden. I'm not saying that people should not help each other out. You can be a caring person and be concerned about other people while still minding your own business and not getting overly involved in someone else's life.  -- Caring Enough to Back Off, Barbie

Femaphobes
Dear Uncle Barbie,
Why do men get offended when people tease them about their feminine traits? 
Signed, Androgynous Female

Hello Androgynous One,
     Actually, I think both men and womyn get defensive when their sex role is questioned. I believe that every human being has both masculine and feminine traits. And yet for the majority of people, gender identification tends to be at the very core of their basic identity. When you ask most people to describe themselves, they almost always include their gender as part of their self-description. People cling to their sex role as if it were the very purpose of their existence. We live in physical bodies in a world that places a great importance on gender association. This need to identify oneself with only one sex is so strong that the notion even carries over into people's view of the spirit world and religion. (How often have you heard people refer to the Creator as a male entity?) I can only imagine what a surprise these people are in for when they enter the spirit world and discover that physical bodies (and therefore, gender) do not exist.
    Based on your question, it sounds as if you have found that a lot of men, in particular, tend to defend their gender identity fiercely. I think this is because the male ego is typically a fragile thing, which is constantly being challenged. (This may cast some light on the major causation of homophobia--the fear of homosexuality.) Many cultures have attitudes (in the form of unspoken rules) that indicate that a male must earn the right to be called a man by somehow proving himself worthy of that title. Our society seems to place more value on masculinity than femininity by encouraging aggressive and competitive traits in men (and even in some womyn who are in the business world). Consequently, femininity seems to be seen as a weakness and is discouraged in men. (This touches on a new phenomenon I call "femaphobia"--the fear of femininity). So to answer your question, the reason why some men get soooooo offended when people tease them about their feminine traits is because they are egocentric femaphobes!
Giving You a Womyn's Perspective in a Man's Body, Barbie

Paranoid Movie Goer
Dear Uncle Barbie,
I'm not completely anti-social; I don't completely hate people. I DO, however, get completely irritated when I go to the movies and other movie goers decide to occupy seats directly in front of me, behind me, or to the side of me, when there are many other vacant seats in the theater. Why do they do this to me!? And why does this bother me so? 
Signed, Thumbs Down

Hello Thumbs Down,
It bothers you so, because you are paranoid - thinking people are doing this to you intentionally. Believe me, there is no Universal conspiracy out there plotting against you. (Well, okay, maybe there is...) Perhaps it's just your charming personality that people find irresistible. It could be that you have the type of charismatic attraction that is found only in great leaders of nations. (Nah, I think movie goers are just out to get you.) Either that or you have a tremendously bright aura that draws the public to you like a moth to a flame. By the way, what kind of cologne do you use? Oh, never mind. You don't need to worry. I'm sure people just sit in front of you in the theater because they are too unaware of their surroundings to notice you, and too self absorbed to care. (No, but seriously though, they really are out to get you!!!)
Playing Mind Games, Barbie

Kiss Your P-ass-t Goodbye
Dear Uncle Barbie,
I have a friend who is driving me crazy! She is one of those people whose life reads like a woefully bad novel. She claims that she has been depressed her whole life. It's not that her life is really all that bad; it's more that she interprets every event in her life as a negative, and she is not shy about sharing her misery. She keeps rehashing the past, and her stories never change. For instance, she forever tells me that she could have been a famous ballet dancer if her parents would have only bought her ballet slippers when she was a child. I've spent the past 30 years listening to her whine about her life, and frankly, I've reached the end of my patience with her. I have tried to help, but she just never DOES anything to change. In fact, I think she prefers whining to changing her life. She doesn't ask how I am or what I am doing. Instead, she only talks about her problems. I'm ready to chuck our friendship, but worry that I will feel guilty for doing so. HELP!
Signed, Tired of Whiney Friend

Hello Whiner,
   Isn't it interesting that you are whining about someone else's whining. Perhaps you have more in common with your friend than you realize. Let's start off examining your role in this scenario, and then we will take a look at your friend. The codependent relationship that you have with your friend is one that reeks of self-deception. You are playing the role of the enabler by allowing her to continue being dependent on you. I strongly agree with you that it is time to cut the apron strings, and let her be a little more self-reliant. It is fine to be a caregiver to people who are not able to care for themselves. However, you sound like a martyr who has depleted her energies and sacrificed herself in the line of duty. (A duty that is so strong that you fear you will feel guilty if you stop playing that role.) Do you have a savior complex or something? I admit that it can feel good to be the rescuer because it makes a person feel important—just don't go overboard.
    Okay, now let's tackle this pathetic friend of yours. What a drama queen. Her life is like reality TV without the set. I find it disappointing that she only wants you to listen to her problems, and is unwilling to reciprocate by listening to your problems. The best advice I can give her (or anyone else who wants to alleviate his/her depression) is to help someone else. Whenever I get depressed (as we all sometimes do), I will do an act of kindness for a fellow human being. This does not have to be a huge display of generosity. All you really need to do is something simple like hold the door open for someone, or give a pleasant smile to the cashier who is serving you. Change the way you view the situation. It's not a problem; it's a challenge. It's not a permanent crisis; it's a temporary setback. It's not a personal flaw of character; it's an area for improvement. Go out and volunteer somewhere. Giving of yourself does not have to be a big deal. It can be as simple as donating some of your used household items to Goodwill, caring for a pet, showing respect for Mother Nature by recycling, etc.
    People who are depressed need to resist the temptation to withdraw from social interaction. It will only cause them to go deeper into despair to stay in bed feeling sorry for themselves and avoiding their problems. Depression can be a very self-centered experience because people in this state of mind focus on their problems and their misery. They seldom think of how they can help others. For many years as a therapist, I have counseled people with depression, and I have heard all the excuses and justifications for why they don't follow my suggestions. "I don't have the time. I don't have the energy. I can't…I can't—bitch, bitch, bitch." For all their pissing and moaning, it gets them no where. If they would only take the energy that they use fighting my help and instead apply that same level of energy toward their treatment, they would be well on their way to a happier life. But unfortunately, they keep track of all their hurts and injuries like trophies. As they would impart their painful stories to me, I was struck by how these depressed individuals would use their emotional injuries like a calendar to mark the milestones in their lives. Remembering their wounds was literally how they recorded the passage of time.
    Whenever you are dealing with someone (like your friend) who resists getting better, you need to address the motivation behind the resistance. Consider the possibility of secondary gains. By this, I mean that maybe the troubled person is receiving some kind of emotional reward for being in her current situation. For example, it is conceivable that the feel-good sympathy that she is receiving from friends and family is reinforcing her passive behavior to stay sick. Now, this brings us back to the topics of codependency and enabling behavior. (I believe we discussed your codependent behavior earlier in this article.) Looks like we have come full circle. Perhaps this would be a good place to stop.  
Festively Disturbing, Barbie
Dear Barbie,
How do I know for sure if my partner loves me?
Signed, Insecure Lover

Hello Insecure Lover,
Many couples have relationship issues that need to be worked on. So let's address some of the issues for maintaining a happy and healthy romantic relationship. The following is a list some of the most popular therapeutic suggestions:

1) Take responsibility for your own emotions and the way you feel.

2) Focus on learning from the conflict.

3) It is destructive to do things out of obligation, fear or guilt. Instead, your behavior needs to come from your desires.

4) Avoid using your fear & guilt to control others.

5) When you get angry with your lover, be aware that you might be trying to change your partner by making his/her wrong. People often get angry to protect themselves from getting hurt.

6) Before you explain your feelings to your significant other, ask yourself, "What's my motivation for telling him/her my feelings?" Are you lecturing your partner in order to manipulate him/her to do what you want him/her to do? The healthy way of handling a conflict is to say, "We both have something to learn from this situation."

7) Think of conflict as an opportunity that can lead to growth.

8) Realize that you choose whether or not to react or interact with the other person.

9) Sometimes conflict can be a vicious circle. For example, if your partner throws out a hook and you bite on it--you both had a part to play in it.

10) The words you speak do not matter as much as the intentions and tone of voice behind those words.

11) When your lover is upset with you, say to him/her, "I don't understand your reasons. What is the reason for your reaction?"

12) If your angered partner continues to verbally abuse you, ask him/her, "You do not have the right to hurt me?"

13) Take a moment to examine how you protect yourself (your defenses). Why do you protect yourself? What is the hope you have in protecting yourself? Do you want to change your lover? What are the consequences of using these protection mechanisms?

14) Next, explore where you developed these protections. How did you learn them? Who did you learn them from? What are your fears, beliefs and expectations (past and present)? What is the fear underneath your protection mechanisms? Do you think that you will be unlovable? Where and how did you become so afraid?

15) Question your erroneous or irrational beliefs, which often cause pain in your relationship.

16) Consider your values. What do you think is the right way to live? Do you blame your partner for not living the way you think he/she should?

17) And finally, before acting or speaking, always remember to ask yourself, "What are my intentions, and what can I learn from this experience?"

All of these suggestions are the best way I know to maintain a healthy and happy relationship with your sexual partner. I wish you all the best.
Love the One You are With, Barbie

Dear Barbie,
How do I know for sure if my partner loves me?
Signed, Insecure Lover

Hello Insecure Lover,
Many couples have relationship issues that need to be worked on. So let's address some of the issues for maintaining a happy and healthy romantic relationship. The following is a list some of the most popular therapeutic suggestions:

1) Take responsibility for your own emotions and the way you feel.

2) Focus on learning from the conflict.

3) It is destructive to do things out of obligation, fear or guilt. Instead, your behavior needs to come from your desires.

4) Avoid using your fear & guilt to control others.

5) When you get angry with your lover, be aware that you might be trying to change your partner by making his/her wrong. People often get angry to protect themselves from getting hurt.

6) Before you explain your feelings to your significant other, ask yourself, "What's my motivation for telling him/her my feelings?" Are you lecturing your partner in order to manipulate him/her to do what you want him/her to do? The healthy way of handling a conflict is to say, "We both have something to learn from this situation."

7) Think of conflict as an opportunity that can lead to growth.

8) Realize that you choose whether or not to react or interact with the other person.

9) Sometimes conflict can be a vicious circle. For example, if your partner throws out a hook and you bite on it--you both had a part to play in it.

10) The words you speak do not matter as much as the intentions and tone of voice behind those words.

11) When your lover is upset with you, say to him/her, "I don't understand your reasons. What is the reason for your reaction?"

12) If your angered partner continues to verbally abuse you, ask him/her, "You do not have the right to hurt me?"

13) Take a moment to examine how you protect yourself (your defenses). Why do you protect yourself? What is the hope you have in protecting yourself? Do you want to change your lover? What are the consequences of using these protection mechanisms?

14) Next, explore where you developed these protections. How did you learn them? Who did you learn them from? What are your fears, beliefs and expectations (past and present)? What is the fear underneath your protection mechanisms? Do you think that you will be unlovable? Where and how did you become so afraid?

15) Question your erroneous or irrational beliefs, which often cause pain in your relationship.

16) Consider your values. What do you think is the right way to live? Do you blame your partner for not living the way you think he/she should?

17) And finally, before acting or speaking, always remember to ask yourself, "What are my intentions, and what can I learn from this experience?"

All of these suggestions are the best way I know to maintain a healthy and happy relationship with your sexual partner. I wish you all the best.
Love the one you are with, Barbie

Dear Uncle Barbie,
I enjoy walking, but get tired of always having to do it alone. How could I meet a gay / lesbian / bisexual / transgendered walking companion who shares at least some of my many interests (nature, arts, sciences, history)?
Signed, Lonely

Hello Lonely,
If I were you, I would take out a personal ad, and see who responds to your request for a G.L.B.T. walking companion. Next, I would start talking to my friends and co-workers to see if any of them know of anyone who may want to go for an occasional walk with you. You may find a fellow walker at one of the discussion groups that meet at your local gay & lesbian center. Just ask around. You will find someone, sooner or later. It's like fishing—keep your lure in the water until you get a bite! (Or even a nibble. Wink, wink!)
Keep on trolling, Barbie

Dear Barbie,
If you were alone on an island with only two other people, who would they be?
Signed, Day Dreamer

Hello Day Dreamer,
I would want the first person to be someone good at fishing/hunting, and the second person would have to be someone really good at oral sex.
Tastefully yours, Barbie
Dear Barbie,
What's your stand on boycotting businesses that are not "gay friendly?" Do you think this serves any valuable purpose or are they ineffective?
Unsigned

Hello Unsigned,
It is my feeling that the boycotting of ant-gay businesses is up to each individual. It is a matter of conscience. I think that the best plan is to patronize those businesses that are gay friendly. And let them know why you support them. That way it is a win-win situation.
Your Gay Friendly Doll, Barbie

Dear Uncle Barbie,
Recently, I found myself thinking about the characteristics that constitute a "man." Are men gentle, angry, giving, withholding, accepting, dismissing, embracing, perhaps disconnected, or what!?
Signed, Confused Man

Hello Mr. Man,
When you try to write down all the characteristics that constitutes manhood, the list can go on and on. Perhaps this is because the definition of what it means to be a man keeps changing over time as our culture evolves. Historically, men have been seen as hunters. But what about today? Take a look at the male role models we have in our society. Are modern men still on a primal hunt? What about you? Are you on some kind of a hunt? Do you know what you are hunting for? Do you know the goals of the search? What are your pursuing behaviors and tracking habits? What are the circumstances in which these habits occurs? Are you in touch with your male, primal side? What are your natural instincts telling you?

On the other hand, maybe we are to look to a higher/spiritual place to find a male figure. (Although the giver of life possesses both masculine and feminine traits, for the purposes of this article, let's address the male aspect of the Creator). Most religions recognize some form of Godhead. For example, Pagans typically honor many Gods (and Goddesses); Native Americans speak of Father sky; and Christians believe in the image of a heavenly Father. But what about your God? Does He have a gentle, lavender side?

Throughout human history, men in powerful positions have typically acted violently on behalf of their God (killing and torturing people, burning Witches & gay men at the stake, throwing Christians to the lions, enslaving various ethnic groups, raging holy wars and crusades, etc.). Even in modern times, there are still incidents of brutality and religious persecution across the world. (Just look at what is going on with the war in the Middle East where both sides are claming that "God" on their side.) However, unlike these violent men, the lavender side of God is peaceful and gentle. The media depicts men in aggressive roles as seen in movies and on TV, but there are nonviolent men of peace who use their masculine strength for the purpose of protecting others. These protectors provide an alternative role model for us by demonstrating how to channel male energy into a more positive direction.

I think that it is time for men, throughout the world, to reflect on their own behavior. What kind of energy do you give off? What signals are you sending out to others? It is time to get in touch with the lavender side of God, and see what gentle strength He has for you in your life. We are all role models--whether we know it or not. The question is--what behaviors are you modeling?
Be a Rainbow Warrior for Peace, Barbie

Dear Uncle Barbie
Since I am bored, and there is no one to have fun with, what should I do?
Signed, Bored Bug

Hello Boring Bug,
The way that I get rid of boredom is to take action--any positive action will do. Ask yourself, “What are the activities that I enjoy doing, and with whom?” Make a list. Be sure to write them down. Then take action, and call a few friends, too. Take the necessary steps in order to make your wishes come true. Don’t spend too much time thinking about it, just get up and get going!
  There are plenty of things to do in the springtime. We have several holidays that center on the changes taking place in nature. Here is a partial list of some of the activities you can do in the spring:

2  April 1st was April Fool’s day (named that way because the volatile warm weather of April can fool you and suddenly turn cold);

3  Earth Day (where everyone does something to help care for Mother Earth); and

4  May 1 is May-Day (a celebration of spring including fertility dances around the May-pole).

  These are just of few of the springtime festivities that you can celebrate (alone or with your friends). The one event that I like to encourage everyone to take part in is Earth-Day. I think this celebration is very important because the environment needs our help--desperately. With that in mind, how about you do something kind for our planet. The wisdom of the ancestors teaches us that we should only take as much as we need and to give back as much as we take.
  When was the last time you did something for the Earth? Well, right now is a good time to start. Perhaps you could care for a garden, avoid polluting the environment, plant flowers or a tree, pick up trash around your neighborhood, etc. And of course, recycle--recycle—recycle!!! You can also encourage others to do the same. Lead by example. Be a part of the solution--not the problem.
  Another way to show respect for the planet is by respecting all living things. Since we are all children of Mother Earth, any acts of kindness that you show to your fellow human beings (and animals, too) are acts of kindness to the Earth. Remember the ripple effect--whatever energy you send out, comes back to you multiplied by three. Take some time out of your busy day to show some human compassion for others. Just a simple kind word or a friendly smile will brighten someone’s day. Let your spirit glow brightly and spread that sunshine, girlfriend!
Witching You Well, Uncle Barbie

Dear Uncle Barbie,
  George Carlin once observed that most weapons are phallic symbols. You know- bullets, rockets, missiles, etc. Can you think of anything that is analogous to the female genitalia? My guess is the shopping mall- I won't expound on my theory 'cause I don't wanna steal your thunder. Anxiously awaiting your response.......oh, by the way, I don't have penis envy, I have what I affectionately call vaginal vanity.
Signed, the Proud P-word

Hello P-word,
  Thank you for writing me. Yes, phallic symbols are everywhere. As a matter of fact, Sigmund Freud theorized that any object could be seen as a phallic symbol if you choose to view it that way. As far as weapons of mass destruction being made in phallus shapes, I find it interesting that the designers of these missiles & bombs are almost exclusively men. I can’t help but wonder if the men in the military (who use these phallus weapons) also think of their own penis as a weapon.
  Any-whooo, to answer your question, the only weapon that I think is analogous to the female genitalia is that part of the riffle where the clip of bullets fits into. You know the part? I do not know the exact term for that part of the riffle that looks like a slot, but it is a hole in the bottom part of the weapon that you slide the clip in. If you know the proper name for it, please email me and let me know, thanks.

Shootin’ From the Hip, Barbie

Dear Uncle Barbie,
I was verbally abused and occasionally touched in a sexual way as a child by members of my family. Now, as a grown woman, my sexual experiences have been in a BDSM relationship. I enjoy being submissive and sexually abused. Is this because of my childhood or just the type of sex I enjoy?
Signed, Puzzled

Hello Puzzle,
I'm sorry to hear about the verbal abuse and incest that you experienced in your family. Unfortunately, that type of familial problem is all too common in our society (and globally, too, for that matter). When incestuous relationships are multigenerational (in other words, having gone on for many generations), the family members may start to think that this type of behavior is acceptable—especially if they were raised that way, learning from parents and grandparents. When this happens, the dysfunctional dynamics of the sexual behavior can start to feel "normalized" within the confines of that particular family. Although the abuse is still destructive, it often times becomes a predictable pattern, which can be mistaken as a "normal" familial experience by the participants.
  Based on your question, it sounds like you have already made great strides in understanding the abuse and hopefully have started your healing process. The fact that you have identified the inappropriate behavior in your family as abuse tells me that you recognize that it was destructive. Now, perhaps, you are also better able to understand and recognize the destructive patterns of behavior in your current sexual relationships that involve bondage, sadism and masochism (BDSM). I'm not saying that all S&M activities are destructive for everyone. However, in your particular case, you might want to closely look at your motivation for saying, "I enjoy being submissive and sexually abused." If you don't mind me rephrasing your statement a little, perhaps what you really mean to say is that you are used to being abused.
  Here is how I understand the process of how people form sexual associations. We learn to make associations based on our personal experiences. (By the way, developing a sexual association is a much different process from your sexual orientation because sexual orientation is based, in part, on genetic, biochemical and pre-natal development interacting with social learning). So when you learn to make an association whereby you pair pain with pleasure, you are basing this association on past sexual behaviors that have become familiar (and therefore comfortable) to you. Basically, what I am trying to explain here is that you seem to have linked up the experience of abuse with the experience of sexual expression. You have been taught since childhood to sexualize an abusive situation.
  Now, in your adult life, you look for these "comfortably familiar" experiences because, not only do you feel content with what is predictable, but you also feel a certain false sense of control with what you perceive to be a ordinary sexual experience. After all, you did say that you "enjoy being sexually abused." A couple of sentences back, I used the phrase, "false sense of control." I chose those words because you are really not in control of your S & M encounter. Rather, you are surrendering your personal power over to the other person/s. (From what I have been told by people who practice S & M, the exchange of power and control is usually shared equally between the individuals involved. Of course, those people I talked to where only sharing their personal experiences, and not speaking for all people who practice sexual bondage. So I'm sure there is some degree of variation.)
    In your question you asked, "Is this because of my childhood or just the type of sex I enjoy?" Actually, it is both. You apparently enjoy this type of sex because you formed sexual associations to S & M experiences that stem back to your roots as an abused child. The really big question, which you did not ask, is how to express your sexuality is a more healthy way. I suggest breaking the old pattern of S & M bondage, and developing some brand new sexual associations to romantic intimacy that involves gentleness, tenderness and kindness. Obviously, this change will take a lot of time and therapy. And since the type of therapeutic support you require goes beyond the boundaries of this advice column, I strongly suggest you seek individual (as well as group) counseling from your local mental health service center. I recommend Cognitive/Behavioral Therapy because based on research studies, it tends to be the most effective form of therapy for your type of situation.
Getting My Undies in an Uproar, Barbie

Dear Barbie,
I'm attracted to a really good friend. Should I confess or keep quiet, so I won't risk alienating him?
Unsigned

Hello Unsigned,
Open communication is usually the best. If he is as good of a friend as you say, then the relationship will withstand just about anything. If not, then the friendship was not that strong in the first place. Any healthy relationship is able to deal with honesty. Go ahead and tell him how you feel, and see how he reacts. You could drive yourself crazy by keeping your feelings all bottled up inside. There is no such thing as the "perfect moment." Just do it.
Where There's a Will, There's a Way, Barbie

Dear Barbie,
Why do the lesbians in this town have such attitudes - very strange? I always thought lesbianism meant women who love women.
Signed, Vi

Hello Vi,
Lesbianism means different things to different people. The term "lesbian" has no intrinsic meaning by itself. The meaning comes when you give it significance by attaching value to the word. It is important to remember that not all the lesbians in this area are alike. Try a different social group, organization, new friends, or fresh environment. Keep looking girl. You will eventually find your hearts desire as long as you are relentless in your seeking.
Merry We Meet, Barbie

Dear Uncle Barbie,
What can gays and lesbians do to strengthen our community and become involved in making a more united G.L.B.T. society?
Signed, Gay in the Community

Dear Community Gay,
There are numerous ways to become positively involved in the G.L.B.T. community (which in turn can strengthen society). You could join a gay support group, political organization, committee, or social club. I know from personal experience that there are plenty of committees out there that need volunteers. Most G.L.B.T. organizations are continually looking for new volunteers to bring fresh energy into their groups. I am sure that any group would be happy to have you. The question is, "What group do you want to join?"
I recommend that you first discover within yourself what social activities bring you the most sense of satisfaction. Pick an organization that enhances your life. The last thing you want to do is find yourself stuck in a group where you feel that you do not fit in. It needs to be a good match. So decide what is enjoyable for you, and hookup with a fun group. In fact, this is a good time of year to start looking because there are plenty of groups forming in the springtime. Hey, it is May and time to have fun!
Let me take this topic in a new direction for a moment to describe just one, possible springtime activity that you could engage in—if you so choose. During this time of year, people from every culture around the world celebrate the coming of May. These ancient rites of spring have many names (such as Mayday and Beltane to name a few). One of the most symbolic and sexually suggestive spring traditions is the Maypole ritual. Today, Pagans and Christians alike erect the Maypole and dance the fertility dance. In ancient times, however our ancestors used the Maypole as a phallic symbol that was gaily penetrated into the Earth as an act of copulation. This was done to simulate the fertilization of the Mother Earth Goddess and to assure a fruitful harvest for the coming fall season.
In those days, the virgins of the village (some wearing decorative masks) would joyfully dance around the Maypole as they wove the brightly colored ribbons around it. Afterwards, the whole community would gather around a huge bonfire, feast on the delicious food while celebrate into the evening and make love all night long. In modern times, men, womyn and children still celebrate this ancient and playful rite of spring that not only reminds us of our bond to Mother Earth, but also reminds us of our connection to each other as a society. The end result is that the community is strengthened and more united.
So there you have it! Perhaps you could organize a springtime fertility celebration of your own creation. That would certainly be enough to cause the G.L.B.T. community to come together—if you know what I mean.
And to the Republic For Witches Dance, Barbie
Charming, eccentric and a sharp tongue - such are the riches of Barbie's personality.

Dear Uncle Barbie,
My partner drops his wet towels all over the house. I have told him several times to stop doing this, but he refuses. What can I do to force him to put his wet towels in the dirty clothes hamper?
Signed, Mad as a Wet Hen

Hello Wet Hen,
This is just another example of one of those things in a relationship that can drive you crazy—if you let it. It sounds to me like you have already communicated your thoughts and feelings to your partner. If he chooses not to accommodate you, then there is not much you can do to force him to pick up the towels. I suppose you could leave the relationship in order to rid yourself of his unwanted behavior. However, that seems like throwing the proverbial baby out with the bath water. If leaving wet towels on the floor were the ONLY thing disruptive in your relationship, then I would ignore that particular behavior. Remember, ultimately you can only control yourself—not anyone else. You always have the right to say how you feel and ask for what you need. However, if the other person does not respond favorably, then the best thing you can do is just relax and adapt. As the old saying goes, "You can lead an assto water, but you cannot make him think."
  Now, let us focus on what we can do to assist you in calming yourself while you learn to accept your partner's bad habit. Perhaps you could carry an object with you to symbolize peacefulness and remind you to relax. That is what I do. (I try to practice what I preach.) For example, sometimes I carry medication stones, little cards with inspirational sayings, a symbolic piece of jewelry, or even a tiny feather. Here is an true example of what actually happened to me when I was looking for a relaxation symbol. (And by the end of the day, I ended up passing the object on to help someone else relax.)
  One day as I was walking through the park, I found a small feather on the ground. Somehow I was drawn to it, so I picked it up and admired it. It was delicate, tactile, fragile and sensitive to the wind--very much like the ecosystem, itself. I was struck with how much this feather paralleled the tender gift of life. Somewhere in the back of my mind a memory surfaced. I vaguely recall hearing a Native American tale about a beautiful bird that gave a troubled womyn one of his feathers as a gift. Having accepted the gift, the womyn's troubles were lifted. And from that day on, she carried the feather with her as a reminder to go through life as lightly as a feather. I felt the need to take this tiny feather with me as a memento, so I tucked it into my billfold and moved on.
  Later on that day, I was browsing through a shop in town looking for a few odds and ends. When I approached the cashier, she was on the phone arguing with some person about business problems. After she hung up, I could see that she was upset, so I commented to her that she looked like she was having a hard day. "Managerial problems," she replied. "Trying to keep this place running is a lot of work. I've got people who do not show up for work. They call in sick, come in late, and on top of that, my delivery guy is behind schedule." When I opened my wallet to pay for my items, I saw the feather. I said that I had something forher andhanded the delicate feather to her.I explained howit carries a message with it that we are not to let our spirits become heavy with problems and worries. Instead, weneed toglide peacefully like a feather floating on the four winds. She accepted the feather and thanked me with a smile.
  I realized something about life that day. Not only is it good to be light hearted and optimistic, but it is also important to pass this joy on to others. The next time a feather crosses your path, pick it up. Let it serve as a reminder to be light hearted (even when your ill mannered partner drops wet towels on the floor), and remember to pass on the feather as a gift to others.
Blessed Be, Barbie
Dear Barbie,
What is the gay interest with "poppers," and how safe are they?
Signed, Just Curious

Hello Curious,
Since I am not a poppers user, I wasn't sure how to answer your question. So I called the AIDS hot-line and asked them. I found out that poppers (also called RUSH) are a type of liquid inhalant that acts as a quick high by restricting the blood vessels going to the brain. Unfortunately, this can cause brain damage (just like chemical sniffing or huffing). This gives the person using it an instant feeling of utopia or dizziness for just a few seconds, and then they need to keep doing it if they want to maintain that high. Some people find that erotic. Go figure.
Play Safely, Barbie

Dear Barbie,
I'm a lesbian, and I don't get along with other lesbians. What do I do?
Signed, Riot Girl

Hello Girl,
It can be tough to feel like you don't belong. It is especially tough when you are a member of a minority group, and you feel that you do not fit in amongst your own people. I understand. And there are always other individuals out there that feel as you do, so you don't have to feel alone. Just be yourself, and then people who are like you will see your personality and be drawn to you. Likes attract likes. Remember, no one can be you as good as you can.
Work Your Charm, Barbie

Dear Uncle Barbie,
Why are there so many people who are redneck about gay acceptance here in the area?
Signed, A.T.

Hello A.T.,
I think you will find them (what you call "rednecks") anywhere you go. As far as your asking why there are so many in this area, I'm not so sure that there are necessarily more prejudice here than compared to any other city in the U.S. It may just be that you are in contact with people who are very bigoted, and therefore, it looks to you like there are more intolerant people living in this region. The trick is to find people that you get along with in the community. Who do you relate to well? Those are the individuals that you can call your close friends (or your "tribe"). In any community, you can find people who have prejudicial attitudes. Likewise, you can also find people with open, accepting attitudes in the same town. Search out people who are kind and loving. They are everywhere, too.
  Personally, I have found many, many accepting and embracing people in this area. And, yes, I have also met my share of jackasses, too! However, that does not stop me from keeping my attention on the loving people in our community. Focus on what you want—not what you don't want. You seem to be focusing on the negative side by asking, "Why are there so many people who are redneck…" Instead, how about altering your question to ask something more positive? Like this for example, "Where can I find more people who are gay accepting?" By the way, I practice what I preach. I, too, make an effort to alter the way that I think so that I am asking myself questions that focus on the positive and not the negative. This form of intellectual work is referred to as "cognitive reframing" (which simply means, consciously changing your thoughts). I truly think it would do you a world of good to incorporate this type of cognitive reframing into your daily awareness. All you need to do is keep your attention on your positive goals.
  Side Note: This reminds me of a story someone shared with me once. A new worker was just hired to do repair work on high-tension, power lines. (You know, the kind that are way up there on those giant, steal towers). Anyway, the new worker got terrified when he needed to climb up to the top of one of those power line towers. His supervisor (a sage womyn) told him, "Sonny boy, don't look anywhere that you don't want to go!" Get the message? Don't focus on anything that you don't want to bring into your life.
Keeping It Positive, Barbie

Dear Uncle Barbie,
A long time friend, constantly on the verge of suicide, finally told me his real problem; he's a woman trapped in a man's body. He wants to get a sex-change operation, but he's low-income. He expressed frustration in finding any guidance. The support groups only introduced him to more people as desperate as himself. I'd heard Wisconsin is the only state that subsidizes TS operations, so I contacted the University of Wisconsin sexuality program (which took a LOT of web searching to find-- it seems they want to stay secret). They told me that the state only provides financial aid for people who have started on therapy before 1994, and it costs $170 alone to enroll. I also contacted a support group in Millwakee, and they never returned my calls. I see why there's a 70 percent suicide rate for people like him. Any suggestions?
Signed, Trying to Be Supportive
Dear Supporter,
It sounds like you are a true friend to this person. I am glad to see that you are so compassionate towards him. I have heard that in order to qualify for sexual reassignment surgery, the transgendered person needs to have at least two years of psychological therapy. Part of this therapy involves dressing as the opposite sex, 24 hours a day, for a full 12 months. This is so the transgendered person can experience what it is like to be seen as the opposite sex on an continuous bases and in many different settings (like at work, at home, in the stores, on the street and other public places).
  If this type of therapy is required, then you might want to suggest to your friend that she start her personal therapy now. That way, when she does find a surgeon, she will be prepared and ready to undergo the sexual reassignment procedure. There is a lot of psychological preparation that goes into emotionally preparing ones self for such a major life-changing step at this one. This is not a decision to be made lightly.
  By the way, you indicated that your friend had low income and was having a difficult time financing the surgery. I talked to a transgendered friend of mine, and she said that she had her sexual reassignment surgery done in Thailand because the cost of the operation was more affordable, and the physicians that do that type of procedure are very experienced and well trained. If I remember the dollar amount correctly, I think she told me that sexual reassignment surgery done in the USA costs about twenty thousand dollars. However, the same operation done in Thailand costs about five thousand dollars.
  Now let's address the issue of suicidal ideations. Since your friend has a history of making suicidal gestures, I strongly suggest that you convince her to seek mental health treatment as soon as possible. Suicide is nothing to fool around with. Get her psychological help right away! I wish you all the best. I hope you continue to be such a supportive friend to her. She is lucky to have you in her life.
Love & Understanding, Barbie

Dear Barbie,
Is there a good point in time when seeing someone to start talking about exclusivity? Are there signs I should look for that would tell me he is interested in only me?
Signed, Curious About Commitment

Hello Mr. Curious,
I believe in open communication. Start off the talk by asking your partner what he wants in the relationship. Then ask for what you need. If there is conflict, work for a compromise. Open communication is the best policy. As far as what signs to look for, watch his eyes; they are the gateway to the heart. If he is interested in only you, he will keep his eyes on you. If he is not that serious, his eyes may wander to gaze at other gays.
Here's Looking at You Kid, Barbie
Dear Uncle Barbie,
I’ve had the same lover for a while now and it works out great for me, but I sense I’m not reciprocating. Whenever I visit he gets me off two or three times but I can never get him off, try as I do. He gets himself off whenever I’m not there. He says he doesn’t mind, and he seems satisfied with the relationship, so should I worry about it?
Quid Pro Quo

Dear Quid Pro Quo,
I think it is time for the two of you to have a heart to heart talk. What are his and your needs in this relationship? If he is not able to reach orgasm with you, then I wonder if he is really sexually attracted to you. Maybe he has other non-sexual needs of intimacy that you satisfy for him. It could just be that he is nervous and perhaps distracted when he is with you, and that may be the reason for his inability to “get off” when he is with you. Most people do not realize this, but the most common cause of impotency is not being anxious during sex—it is not being able to fully focus your attention on sex when you are engaged in that activity. So perhaps the next time the two of you are having sexual contact, you should ask him what he is thinking about at that exact moment. It sounds to me like he is with you physically but not mentally.
  You asked if this is something that you should worry about. Well, that depends entirely on whether or not his needs and your needs are being met. If so, then I see no problem. However, my instincts tell me that there is something not quite right here. I do not think that there is anything physically dysfunctional about him because if he is able to reach orgasm when he is alone through auto-erotic stimulation, then that tells me that his “equipment” works. Find out from him what he thinks about when he is masturbating. I am curious what his sexual fantasies involve. Is he thinking about different fantasies when he is alone, as opposed to his fantasies when he is in bed with you? Of course, it is possible that you do not sexually stimulate him enough to cause him to have an orgasm. The only way to find out is to talk it out. It may be awkward to discuss such a tender subject as sexual fantasies and masturbation. However, if you really want to get to the root of this issue (notice I said issue, not problem), then it is time to let the skeletons out of the closet and talk about what is really going on. And I mean not just what’s going on between the sheets, but also what’s going on between the ears. Good luck to you. If all else fails and it turns out that he can only get off through self-stimulation, then you can always get off together by watching each other masturbate. That could be fun!
Working It Out, Barbie

Dear Barbie,
My little girl asked me about my gay friend. She is at the age where she’s starting to ask a lot of questions about the difference between gay and straight.
Signed, Concerned Parent

Hello Concerned Parent,
If she is old enough to ask questions about gays, then she is old enough to hear answers. If you respond openly and truthfully about what it means to be gay/lesbian, then the message she will “hear” is that it is okay to be gay/lesbian. If you act uncomfortable with the issue and avoid answering her questions, she will “see” your non-verbal message, as being that there is something so wrong with homosexuality that even mom can’t deal with it. Remember that actions speak louder than words. As the old saying goes, “What you do speaks so loudly that I can not hear what you are saying.” Walk your talk.
Speak the Truth, Barbie