Dear Barbie,
What is going on! Everyone I know has a cold. Is there some kind of bug going around? My friends say that there is nothing I can do to prevent a cold. Is that true? Do you know of any way to stop myself from getting a cold or flu?
Signed, Hate the Cold

Hello Cold Hater,
As we go through the changing of the seasons, many of us will find ourselves in bed for days. But not in the sense of being with a warm partner enjoying a little horizontal refreshment. I am referring to being in bed with the flu or sick with a cold. But there is hope. You don’t have to suffer quite so much. There is something you can do to boost your immune system right now, so you will not be as susceptible to illnesses. Drink the fairy’s secret BREW!
  In case you have not figured it out yet, I am not talking about beer. There is a special, magical mixture that can help you fight off sickness. This brew has been used by our Pagan ancestors throughout the ages. The simple recipe is as follows: mix one teaspoon of apple cider vinegar into a large glass of water; add two to four tablespoons of honey (depending on your taste); heat as you would tea; stir and drink. Do this first thing in the morning, as well as, just before bedtime and you will be sleeping with a strong body and good health instead of a flu bug and cold germs.
  So what is it about apple cider vinegar that makes it so healthy? One of the many reasons is that cider vinegar has a 5% acidity content which can help kill the germs in your blood stream. It also contains 19 of the 22 minerals essential for human health. Cider vinegar is high is potassium which works to limit the damage done by the free radicals that are a major drain on our systems. So to put it simply, apple cider vinegar can give your immune system a jump-start! Hey, a brew that is as old as Paganism itself can’t be wrong.
Where There’s a Witch, There’s a Way, Barbie

Dear Uncle Barbie,
I witnessed some of this year’s gay pride events, and I do not understand why those people need to parade their sexuality around. The gays had flags, buttons, music, and banners to name just a few. Do they really need to show their pride on the streets?
Signed, Phyllis B.

Hello Phyllis B.,
Many people have different ways of showing their gay pride, and there is no one way is better than another. We each have our own individual style that is as diversified as the rainbow flag itself. Let me tell you the style that I like to see the best - gay pride bumper stickers! Why? It’s because the stickers are seen by so many people that it raises awareness in our society. Dozens of people a day can see my pride when I simply drive a few miles down the highway. When I see another pride sticker, I am reminded that there are others out there like myself, and that I am not alone. In fact, there are millions of us out there in the world. We really are everywhere.
  Not only am I reminded of our numbers, but all the other citizens who see the gay pride stickers are reminded, too. Remember, those are voting citizens, and it is good for people to be reminded that we are here, too. Our freedom needs to be supported by the laws as well in order to have a society that is truly free. Imagine the positive impact that confident gay and lesbian people have on the rest of our community and on the local politicians, too. The more political leaders see us, the more they will be aware of our issues and hopefully include us when it comes to passing laws regarding equality. We need to be seen because the sad truth is—invisible people have no liberties. So to answer your question, THAT is why we 
need to show our pride on the streets.
Let Your Rainbow Shine, Barbie
Dear Barbie,
How does a group of gay men get the cute waiter to wait on us instead  of always getting the frumpy looking waitress?  Why does this always  seem to happen to us? 
Signed, Frustrated Patron
Hello Patron,
Instead of asking, “Why does this always happen to us?” Ask yourself a more constructive question that leads your brain to a productive solution. Try asking yourself something like, “What would be a creative and fun way to attract the cute waiter over to us?” I think this type of situation calls for a special undercover operation by a secret agent. I recommend sending in a spy to investigate and gather information. Find out when that cute waiter you are interested in is working and in what section of the restaurant? Then you will be better able to sit in an area where the cute waiter will serve you. And you will also know how to dodge the proverbial frumpy waitress.
  Next, go to that section of the restaurant when he is there, and look hungry (not desperate). There is nothing that attracts a food server to you faster than hungry looking customers. It must be a nurturing instinct sort of thing. Like when baby birds open their mouths wide and wave their heads back and forth which compels the parents to instinctually feed them. Just keep salivating and staring with big eyes at the cute waiter. You will get the worm you are after.
There is Nothing Like a Good Dish, Barbie

Dear Uncle Barbie,
I am very discouraged about the rude way people treat individuals who  are handicapped. Yesterday, I saw an elderly man with a cane who was  trying to push open a heavy glass door at a local department store. It was awkward for him to hold onto his cane and struggle with the door at the same time. Other people just walked around him and entered the store through one of the other many doors that were just a few feet away. Nobody would help him!!! What the hell is wrong with people? Are there any nice people left out there? 
Signed, Discouraged

Hello Discouraged,
I am sure that there are many nice people in the world -I have met some. As a matter of fact, there was a time in my life when I was temporarily in a wheelchair. As I tried to go about my daily errands, I discovered how difficult it was to get around in a wheelchair. I encountered such problems as: multiple double-doors; steep hills; obstacles blocking the sidewalk; high store counters that were out of  reach; tight spaces around restaurant tables; maneuvering the wheelchair in a small public bathroom; and the clumsy climbing in & out of my car.
  Thankfully, my burden was lightened by the courtesy of caring people. When I was struggling with a door, a helpful person was usually there to hold it open for me, or get something off the top store shelf for me. You may not realize it, but just a kind word or a friendly smile can brighten someone else’s day. Despite my physical predicament, I found myself smiling back at people that I did not even know. It was then that I realized - courtesy really is contagious. Karma comes back to you. If you do random acts of  kindness, the Goddess of the Universe will bless you!
 Look for opportunities to serve others. Here are some example: compliment someone on their gay pride jewelry; let another driver go ahead of you in traffic; tell a co-worker that s/he is doing a good job; send a thank you note or caring letter to a friend; show courtesy to the older adults; volunteer for an AIDS organization; take the time to really listen to someone who is troubled; tell a  friend what you appreciate about him/her; say hello to a person that you usually don’t like; put an encouraging note under the windshield wiper of a car that has a gay pride bumper sticker; forgive someone you are holding a grudge against; donate to a charitable cause; say thank you to the shop workers who serve you at the stores; help take care of Mother Earth; or just simply say hi to a stranger.
  The possibilities are endless. Remember the three-fold law of the Universe - whatever energy you send out will come back to you multiplied by three. Keep spreading kindness! 
Courtesy is Contagious, Barbie
Dear Uncle Barbie,
I have been reading a lot about herbal cleansing, holistic remedies and preventative medicines that can be used to naturally decontaminate the body. I am very interested in trying many of these detoxifying remedies. However, the herbs that are listed in the books are so strange and exotic that I can?t find them in the stores. The herbs listed in the books seem to come from all over the world!!! Do you know of any herbs that I can use that are local and easy to find without having to travel to the ends of the Earth to get them? P.S. I am new at this, so I just need the basics?don?t get too fancy with me, okay?
                                                           Signed, Woman Who is Into Herbs
Hello Herb Goddess,
There are many toxins that contaminate our bodies. They pollute our bloodstream with all kinds of chemicals and damaging bacteria. These chemicals are all around us--in the polluted air, in our water and in our food.
The following 10 suggestions, including herbs & foods, can help strengthen and cleanse the body of some harmful bacteria.?
1). Ginger root: cooking with ginger root has been shown to reduce inflammation in the joints.
2). Broccoli: studies indicate that broccoli contains anti-cancer causing agents that fight toxins.
3). Cayenne pepper: researchers suggest that cayenne pepper strengthens the immune system which gets rundown by harmful germs.
4). Cinnamon: aids in the reproduction of white blood cells.
5). Vitamins C and E: helps repair cells that have been damaged by toxins.
6). Cider vinegar: works to purify the bloodstream.
7). Garlic: the properties found in garlic act as a natural antibiotic and help kill some of the bacteria in your digestive system.
8). Water: physicians say drinking eight glasses of water a day can help flush toxins out of your body.
9). Oxygen: although deep breathing is not a food, it is still important to good health and to put fresh oxygen into your bloodstream to feed your tissue cells.
10). Sauna: sweating is the body?s natural way of cleansing itself of toxins.
These are just a few of the many things you can do to cleanse your body of toxin and unwanted bacteria and improve your health. Prolonged exposure to these toxins can wear down a person?s immune system leaving your body vulnerable to illness & disease. But if you practice healthy living, you can count on many good days ahead.
Live Well, Uncle Barbie

Dear Uncle Barbie,
My 3-year-old daughter just discovered the moon. She seems to be fascinated by it. I can remember being fascinated by the moon when I was a child, too. I have always wanted to know why is it that the moon seems to mesmerize people?
Signed, Linda

Dear Linda,
Our lives are flooded with stress, tension and pressure from every side. Take time from your day to walk with your sister--the moon. She lights up your nights. As long as humans have been on Mother Earth, we have stared at the moon in awe. Even scientists say that the moon has an effect on people.? Her glowing face hypnotizes. Within us all there is a wild spirit that cannot be tamed or ignored.? As the wolf howls at the full moon, so too can you. Our animal instincts stir within us. What are you going to do when the beast within you ROARS? Step out into the mist of the blue moonlight. Get down on the ground--crawl on all four. Experience the Earth with your hands. Can you feel it? Turn your face to the stars--bark at the moon.
Bow Wow, Barbie

LAP LATHER
Dear Uncle Barbie,
My girlfriend and I have vigorous sex. With all that lube and our bodies rubbing and sweating so much, things start to lather up. I mean that literally! We decided to switch lube brands, so we got some of that hot elbow grease, but it got too hot for me to handle. I had to wash it off before I could continue. As long as we are on the subject of sex, what causes those strange air sounds that come from my girlfriend's "private area" while we are making love? Is that freaky or what? If it is not too gross, I've got something else to tell you. My girlfriend sleeps on her stomach, and sometimes she menstruates in bed. By the time morning comes around, her blood has dried, and her pubic hair is stuck to the sheets. I can't say it more tactfully than that. I don't know how many couples have experienced these kinds of problems, but we sure have. Signed, Mike Hunt
Hello M.H,
You sure do have a way with words. Your story is enough to make my eyes bleed! Let me just start off by saying that I find your heterosexual antics to be disgusting, repulsive, sickening…and yet, strangely intriguing. (It's like a bad car accident; you don't want to look, but you just can't seem to turn away.) Okay, let's dive right into this cesspool situation. It probably isn't the brightest idea for you to have such frantic, high-speed sex with your girlfriend that she gets cottony in the crotch. (Aren't you smart enough to figure that out on your own?) You sound like the type of simple minded dullard who would pull on your girlfriend's tampon string, and then look for a prize--as if you expect candy cherries to come tumbling out or something.
  If you want to cut down on the lap lather, you should know that you don't always have to engage in full-scale copulation. Try lightly touching her fur-gina softly instead of being so vigorous. A gentle touch can give her plenty of pleasure. If you really want to improve your sex life, get yourself a scuba mask and snorkel, dive between the sheets, and do some deep sea swimming in the oceans of her love. Incidentally, if your girlfriend wants to avoid getting her pubic hair fused to the sheets, maybe you can persuade her to trim her hedges (and just to show your support, you could do the same).
  Lastly, you asked what causes those strange air sounds that come from her private area. Clinically speaking, it is called vaginal belching. It's caused when the man's thrusting penis pushes small amounts of air into the vaginal cavity. Once the air bubbles build up enough pressure, they are released. Typically this happens either with the next forceful incursion of the man, or when he withdraws from the womyn allowing the air to escape with a flatulent sound. Now that I have finished answering your vividly sexual letter, it seems clear to me that you heterosexuals would do just about anything to get off. (Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to take your letter into my room and spend some quality time with myself.)
Playing With My Ding-a-ling, Barbie

GAMES PEOPLE PLAY

Dear Barbie,
Why do guys play games? Signed, Lost Soul

Hello Lost Soul,
Many people play games because of their immaturity, insecurities, and fears of intimacy. You can decide for yourself whether or not you want to play games. If games are not for you, then it's time to let others know that. Don't play their games, and they will go elsewhere looking for the next sucker. Game players need to grow up! It sounds to me like you are tired of being used. Now communicate that message to those around you.
Stay Sincere, Barbie

A GOOD BI
Dear Barbie,
I am a heterosexual female, and I was wondering, it possible for me to have feelings for other women? Does this mean I'm bisexual?
Signed, Confused

Hello Confused,
Sure it's possible that you are bisexual. Most people have felt romantic attractions towards members of both sexes, at one time or another (not that there is anything wrong with that). I can't tell you how many individuals I have counseled who have revealed to me that they experienced a sexual feeling that was "outside" of their usual sexual orientation identity. Then they think that they have to pick sides on whether they are gay or straight. People get caught up in trying to choose one way over the other. There is a lot of gray area and middle ground when it comes to the issue of human sexuality. For years people have debated over whether sexual orientation is a choice or not. Typically, gays will say that it is not a choice, and religious fundamentalists will insist that it is a choice. The fact is that it's both! Your sexual feelings are not a choice, however your sexual behavior is a choice. Since your sexuality is only one part of your full identity, accept yourself for who you are as a whole person. Look at the bright side, being bisexual has its advantages. It doubles your chances of finding a date on Saturday night.
Where There's a Will, There's a Way, Barbie 

Dear Uncle Barbie,
All my life, I have been told that sinful thoughts and actions came from the Devil. Later, as a teenager, a Catholic priest told me that homosexual desires were from the Devil. Anything I did wrong was because the Devil made me do it. Now that I am an adult, I still have these beliefs sometimes, but not all of the time. It’s just that every once in a while I get the feeling that the Devil has caused a lot of the problems in my life. For example, I have had trouble at work because I sneak food from the kitchen when I am not supposed to. I also feel the temptation to lie a lot, even when I do not have to. I just do--don’t know why. Anyway, I am sure that I am a good person, so it MUST be the Devil who is tempting me. What do you think?  Signed, Time Warrior

Hello Time Warrior,
As I read your question, the thought struck me that you are trying to avoid personal responsibility for your own behavior by putting the blame on this character you call the Devil. Again, this gives evidence of your lack of emotional maturation. Let me be blunt about this, the only devils are the ones of your own creation. It is clear to me that you do not want to face your own dark-side, so you choose to believe in some kind of evil creature that makes you do things that are viewed as “bad.” No doubt, your parents and religious leaders reinforce this belief system within your mind. It is time to face the fact that your gay feelings are stemming from you. I hate to be the one to tell you this, but your gay desires are a reflection of you—not the Devil.
  The more you believe in the Devil, the more power you give to him or her (on a side note, isn’t it interesting that most people think of the Devil as a male figure. Hummm.) Personally, I believe the entity called Satan is a creature of energy, which is continually fed by your energy and kept alive by the ongoing beliefs of fearful people, such as yourself. This type of belief is a phenomenon known as an elemental--an energy source sustained by the thoughts of humans. The dictionary defines an elemental as, “That of which something exists.” This can be something positive, negative or neutral. The Devil is an example of a negative elemental. So stop feeding him or her your energy and own your own shadow.
  I think that Satan, and other demonic creatures, were created in history by the need to externalize the human dark-side or shadow-self. People sometimes want someone else or something else to place blame upon for all the destructive events that were otherwise unexplainable (like natural disasters). Of course, those same people would never consider the possibility that God caused the destruction. Consequently, the Devil became a convenient scapegoat. (By the way, this is precisely what you are doing when you blame the Devil for your unethical behavior at work and your compulsive lying.) You also have what we call in psychology--a blind spot. Meaning that you are unaware of the fact that you refuse to look at your shadow-self, and instead excuse the negative behaviors that are incongruent with your idealized-self. It is obvious why people do this—because the incongruent behaviors create a feeling of anxiety, which people attempt to escape from by externalizing the anxiety-producing behavior onto something outside of themselves. This type of blind spot is evident in your question by the way you stated, “Anyway, I am sure that I am a good person, so it MUST be the Devil who is tempting me.”
  So how did all of these misunderstandings come about? Well, over time, as societies in numerous countries became increasingly religious, the churches became more and more politically powerful. Consequently, a polarizing effect occurred in people’s thinking. Things were viewed in extremes, like good or bad, Heaven or Hell, of God or of the Devil, one or the other. It was believed that everything had to have an opposite (black or white thinking). In order for one thing to be holy, something else had to be unholy. All things deemed “good” were thought of as being from God. And anything deemed as “bad” was thought of as “evil” and the direct result of the Devil. The unfortunate outcome of this type of dual thinking is that by believing in a purely divine God, devils are also created as opposites. Worse yet, some members of fundamentalist religious groups make the mistaken assumption that homosexual behavior is a sin, so therefore people who are gay and lesbian must be evil as well. Tragically, by demonizing gay people it makes it easier for the fundamentalists to dehumanize us, which in turn justifies their acts of discrimination, mistreatment, and hatred.
  So how does all of this effect you personally? Since, demons dwell in the collective unconsciousness of humanity (which knows no time barriers), the shared historical beliefs of humanity become our common human experiences. And so, the past becomes the present, and the Devil walks beside us in our shadow—day after day. Satan was conceived out of human fears and exists only in the minds of those who choose to believe in him or her. (This response has become more intense that I had originally thought, so I would like to end on a positive note.) You can remedy this dysfunctional belief system by changing your thoughts and attitude. Acknowledge the old beliefs for what they are--historical myths that thrive off of our society’s collective belief in them. If you want your demons dead, stop believing in them, and for goodness sake, take responsibility for your own behaviors. Happy Transformation, Barbie
Why are some men in to leather? What is the big attraction?
Signed, Leather Lover

Hello Lover,
I think it's because leather makes some people feel macho and tough. If a man doesn't feel strong on the inside, he may try to make himself look strong on the outside. It's all about appearance, and how they feel when they are in their leather. I remember the first time I walked into a leather bar. I was astonished. The only other time I had seen that much leather, it was out in a pasture grazing. One guy had on such an extreme amount of black leather (from head to toe) that I expected him to have hooves, as well. He looked like a bull!
  So just to be sure, I checked. Yep, he was! Moo, moo--buckaroo. Whatever you're into...whoever you're into....
Yippy-i, K-Y, Barbie

Dear Barbie,
How do you tactfully tell an anti-gay person they are being offensive?
Signed, Pissed Off

Hello P.O'd.,
As soon as I read your question, the first thing that popped into my mind was, "Why are you so concerned about being tactful and polite to a person who is anti-gay and offensive?" The trouble with people who are offensive is that they are too insensitive to be tactful with. You need to be more assertive (without becoming offensive yourself). Try boldly speaking up for yourself and telling them how you feel when they make "anti-gay" comments. You might want to take the person aside, and talk to them privately (but only do this if you feel safe being alone with them). When you speak to them, use "I" statements by saying something like, "I feel offended by that remark." Or say, "I feel put down by that comment." They can't argue with the way you feel. Then just walk away, if you can. You do not need to stay, and explain yourself to them. You don't owe them anything. If the "anti-gay" statements persist, it is considered harassment and should be reported to the proper authorities. If this problem is happening at your work site, talk to their supervisor immediately! If this problem is happening within a social situations (where one of your friends is making the "anti-gay" comments), then it is definitely time to reconsider your friendship, and find new friends who are accepting and supportive.
Lead on, Barbie

Dear Barbie,
My ex-lover and I are still friends. My current lover introduced my ex to one of her best friends. They dated for a while, then had a blow-up. We don't know what to do because we are having a dinner party and they are both invited. They are both calling us and trying to get us to take sides. We don't know what to do. Should we not invite both of them, or should we cancel the party?
Signed, Losing Sleep

Hello Sleepless,
My advice to you is to let them sort out their problems on their own. Go ahead and have the party. You don't have to make your plans revolve around them. When people you care about are upset, it's hard not to get caught up in their dramas because you care about them. In such times, it is important to stay neutral. This is something that they need to sort out for themselves. If you get in the middle of things, it could get ugly. They may turn on you and blame you for their problems. It is not uncommon for people to look for a scapegoat when they do not want to take responsibility for their own behaviors and problems. P.S. if they do both show up for your dinner party, for goodness sake - HIDE THE KITCHEN KNIVES!
Best Wishes, Barbie

Dear Barbie,
I had a threesome that involved two friends, one of which now has an attitude towards me. What gives?
Signed, Clueless

Hello Clueless,
Let me start off by saying, play safe - no matter what the numbers! You don want to end up permanently compromising your health just because you engaged in a few moments of horizontal refreshment. Make sure you never exchange bodily fluids (no blood, semen, vaginal fluids, etc.). The number of new infections of AIDS is growing in the younger population. So make sure you (and all your partners) use protection each time the sexual activity involves penetration. I know it may sound preachy, on my part, but I would rather have you accuse me of being uptight than to find out later that you contracted a life-threatening disease.
  Anyway, to answer your question about why your friend is giving you attitude, it could mean several things. He or she may be ashamed of what happened. When you change the boundaries of a friendship by making the relationship sexual, it causes everything in the relationship to shift. Now you are physically intimate with your friends just emotionally close. The friend who is giving you attitude may feel that he or she was pressured into performing sexual acts with you and the other person. On the other hand, he or she may be feeling responsible for what happened and therefore is hiding.
  It is also possible that there are now feelings of jealousy that have developed as a result of the intimacy. He or she may want you all to her or himself and is angry that you are giving attention to someone else. I hate to end on such a sour note, but one other possibility could be that you were just a lousy lay. This friend of yours may have been looking forward to having a sexual encounter with you for quite some time. After all of the fantasies and anticipation, he or she might be feeling let down because you did not meet the high standards of his or her imagination. As a wise high-priestess once told me,  are a delicious recipe for disappointment.
Got Condoms, Barbie

Dear Uncle Barbie,
I have a question? I have read many reports about the health benefits of garlic. It seems too good to be true. They claim it can help a person health in almost all areas from fighting colds to fighting cancer. What do you know about the research on garlic? I specifically want to know about the holistic benefits.
Signed, Garlic Goddess

Hello Goddess,
Mother Earth has given us many good things - one of which is garlic. Not only can garlic be a tasty spice to give flavor to any dish, but it can also provide good health. Trying to read and figure out some of the scientific studies done on garlic can get a little confusing, so let me sort things out for you. Let start with a little history. In some ancient cultures garlic was used in spiritual ceremonies and considered to be the food of the gods and goddesses. But does that mean that garlic has magical powers? To many people throughout the world, the answer is yes! In 1878, for instance, archaeologists uncovered the Egyptian holy book, called the Codex Ebers, which dates back to 1550 B.C. This ancient book contained 22 medicinal and magical remedies involving the use of garlic. According to James O the author of The Miracle of Garlic & Vinegar, garlic originated from Asia. In addition, researchers discovered statements about garlic in Chinese writings that were dated 2,000 years B.C. This means humans have been using garlic for healing purposes for over 4,000 years-- imagine that!
  Scholars write that some cultures have used garlic superstitiously. For example, the Greeks made garlic talismans as protection from troublesome nymphs. Native American maidens found garlic to be an effective charm to keep away undesirable suitors. (It works well. Believe me--I know!) Even the Bible writes about the Hebrew use of garlic as a magical talisman to fight off curses and diseases from angry demons. The citizens of Palestine believed that garlic repels vampires and werewolves. Historians claim that the idea of garlic warding off vampires evolved out of Eastern Europe where people were terrified that vampires bats would slip into their drafty huts, bite their cold/numb toes and drink their blood while they slept. It said that eating garlic makes your blood taste bitter to the vampire bats causing them to lose interest. Incidentally, this concept still works for warding off pesky mosquitoes, too. They don like garlic tainted blood either.
  Garlic has so many benefits that there is not enough room in this response to list them all. However, here are some of the rewards that it can provide: it works as a blood thinner/purifier, stimulates circulation, strengthens our resistance to illness, and much more. Garlic can boosts the immune system which often get worn down by stress in our lives, harmful free radicals from too much fatty foods, lack of exercise, too little sleep, smoking, excessive drinking, living in a polluted/toxic environment, as well as being bombarded daily by germs and viruses. Many diseases erode our systems. AIDS is one example of a disease that shuts down the immune system. Having weak defenses can leave a person open to certain opportunistic cancers and many infections. That why it important to keep your body strong and healthy.
  The magic of garlic is found in its healing abilities. Extensive research has been done at Yale University regarding the healing benefits of garlic and its germ-killing properties. Scientists have shown that eating between one to three cloves a day can reduce your risk of heart disease and strokes. They also found that it controls high triglycerides, acts as an antiseptic, lowers high cholesterol and high blood pressure. Doctors in India, Bulgaria, Libya and Japan have reported that garlic is a natural antibiotic which can fight infections and strengthen our body own defenses. Well, I hope this helps you figure out some of the research on garlic you have been reading about.
Health & Happiness, Barbie
Dear Uncle Barbie,
I have herpes, mostly dormant. I ran a personal ad in the paper and mentioned my malady in my ad, thinking it was the right thing to do. Apparently my honesty backfired, for it attracted someone carrying genital warts who wasn't so honest about it and gave it to me (how I don't know; we used condoms. Later the doctor told me they don't always work). Now, how am I supposed to find a partner? And what's the proper etiquette about disclosing such things?
Screwed in More Ways than One

Hello Screwed,
Let me take one thing at a time, here. I think honesty is the best policy. Having said that - it is good to keep in mind that you can be honest in a diplomatic way, too. There are more subtle ways than mentioning your herpes in the personal ads. If I were you, I would mention it after I got to know the other person and before any sexual contact has occurred, of course.
  This is really an issue of personal boundaries and disclosure. You don't have to have sex on the first date - I don't. I wait until I know the person a little better. And even then, I wait until I am sure that this person is someone that I want to be intimate with. If they do not want to see you again because you don't "out" on the first date, then let them go, and be glad that you found out early how shallow they are. You don't need to waste your time with someone who is a user. I don't think it was your honesty that backfired on you. Rather, I think it was your tactics that fell short. Let's address that issue, now, shall we?
  Before I make a decision (even about dating), I ask myself three very important questions: 1) What am I really seeking? 2) Why do I want this? 3) What do I need to do to get it? For example, if you desire a date because you want companionship, then you will be taking much different steps to achieve that goal than you would if you desire a date because you want fast sex. I am not here to judge you. I am simply asking you to be clear about what you truly want.
  Based on your question, I am guessing that you are looking for someone who is as honest as you are. That's fine. Just take it slowly. Find out what that other person is really like, first. After you feel comfortable with him or her, you will be in a better position to assess if that person is honest. Go with your gut instincts on this one. If he or she is right for you, you'll feel it in your soul - not just in your shorts. Continue to be honest, just be a little more tactful about disclosing personal information too soon in the relationship. Stating in the newspaper that you have herpes (before you even meet anyone) is too soon. Slow down, relax, and take a deep breath. There is someone out there for you. I suggest that you start off building friendships, and go from there.

P.S. Regarding the use of condoms - keep using them every time you have sex! Although you have contracted herpes and genital warts, at least you did not contract anything worse! Who knows what might have happened if you didn't use any protection at all. Be thankful!
Respect Yourself, Barbie

Dear Barbie,
I'm a middle-age man who is just coming to grips with my "" I'm in the process of divorcing my wife. So how does a 50-year-old man come out of the closet after so many years have gone by?
Signed, Lost

Hello Lost,
Have hope. You are going through a different stage of life with your own personal circumstances, but the coming out process is basically the same regardless of age. Sure everyone faces unique challenges as they come out, however, the feelings and the emotional process are very similar. I suggest talking to other middle-age men who have already gone through what you are experiencing. The gay community has plenty of divorced men of your age who you could talk to. (I suggest you avoid the "scene" - you're not likely to fine the positive support you need in an environment that is both physically toxic as well as emotionally unhealthy.) A good place to meet other men is through the local community center. As you look through the various newspapers, you can see a number of social activities and groups that you could join. I highly recommend P-FLAG (for all ages), the discussion groups held at the "centers" (for both men and womyn), and also cafes are a good place to meet new people. Check it out. You are never alone. The gay community can be your new family.
We are Family, Barbie

Dear Uncle Barbie,
I am an African American lesbian living in town. For years, I have practiced "alternative religions" that involve worshiping Mother Nature as a feminine deity. Primarily, I am a solitaire practitioner worshiping alone. I would like to make contacts with other groups of like minded individuals who have similar spiritual beliefs. I have noticed in several of your past issues that you have mentioned things that seem to relate to earth spirituality. For example, sometimes in your columns you would use the term, "Goddess." Therefore, I thought I would simply send you a quick email question to find out more information about local spiritual groups that honor female deities. I would love to pick your brain on this issue. Could you tell me a little bit more about what you know or what you have experienced, here, in this area? I feel a little disconnected.
Signed, Kamoona

Hello Kamoona,
    You are right. I do have experience with Earth-centered religions. I know of several different groups in this region that would fit the spiritual characteristics you are describing. However, I am not at liberty to share their names without their permission. So, if you first email me your phone number, I will pass it on to some of these groups, and then they can contact you. Is alright with you? To answer the other part of your question, I have a lot of information and experiences that I could share with you—too many to write about in this column. Therefore, I will relay to you just one recent example that hopefully will address your questions.
    Earlier this year, I was invited to attend a Candlemas ritual by a neighboring coven of Laberdarians. This coven, consisting mostly of African American womyn, practiced the Amazon ways and traditions. Although I had participated in numerous Wiccan ceremonies in the past, this was the first time that I, as a man, had the honor of witnessing the ancient rites of the Amazon womyn. It was an experience in cultural diversity that impressed me very much.
    Upon arriving at the coven-stead that night, I noticed that all the participants were asked to remove their shoes and cleanse their feet with blessed water. Following the procession around to the backyard, we paused at the gateway to be smudged with sage smoke for purposes of purification before entering the ritual space. As we gathered in a circle of glowing candles, it was explained to us that the Amazonian meaning of the Candlemas ritual was one of renewal and rebirth where the Goddess of the sacred flame re-emerges as new life and welcomes in the springtime.
    This also is a time when people let go of the negative things in their life and call in the new blessings. With this in mind, everyone wrote down on small pieces of paper two things that they desired for the upcoming year and prayed out loud for their loved ones who needed protection. (Freedom from religious persecution was a common prayer.) There was some chanting, singing, and dancing under the glowing face of the full moon overhead. Joyfully the participants approached the consecrated altar with slips of paper in hand. As we tossed our requests into the flaming cauldron, the smoke carried our requests up to the heavens. Having accomplished what we had set out to do, the circle was opened, and we departed the hallowed grounds.
    Characteristic of any ceremony from an Earth-centered religion, it ended with feasting and laughter as we gathered in the warm house to visit and share stories of our ancestors. The ritual was complete, and I was left to ponder many mysteries. One such mystery was, "How was it possible that throughout the entire ritual the full moon continued to shine her light upon us unobstructed by the clouds rolling across the overcast night sky?" Without doubt, the Goddess is alive and Magick is afoot.
So mote it be, Barbie
Dear Barbie,
I don't understand it. How come lesbians in this area wait until they are half drunk before they start to show a little affection?
Signed, Fire in the Hole

Hello Fire Hole,
Looking for love in all the wrong places, huh? A lot of people use alcohol as a dis-inhibitor. If someone feels self-conscious around others, they may self-medicate by excessive drinking. It's an unhealthy way for insecure people to loosen up. The question to ask yourself is, "What are you looking for in a lesbian?" Bars are an unhealthy environment to find a good relationship. Find a partner who is comfortable showing affection sober. They are out there! Try cafés.
Stay Healthy & Proud, Barbie

Dear Barbie,
I had sex with my roommate in the shower. He invited me in, and seemed to be a willing participant. But the next day, he said that I violated his "space" and is now planning on moving out. What the hell is going on?
Signed, Vacancy

Hello Vacancy,
It sounds like what's going on is a whole lot of blurred boundaries and feelings of guilt. I am not blaming you because, as you said, he was a willing participant. I do not know what sort of boundaries the two of you had established--if any. We could speculate for hours on what his reasoning was, but really, only your roommate knows what he was thinking and feeling. I strongly suggest that you wait until he is in a calm mood, and then talk to him about what happened. If he refuses to discuss it, there is not much you can do. Oh well, life goes on.   --- Blowing Bubbles, Barbie

Dear Barbie,
Do you think that there are any real butch women left out there, or have they all merged into the modern lesbians denouncing all roles?   --- Signed, Old School Fem

Hello You Old Fem You,
"Butch" is a very loosely defined term. To answer this question with any certainty, I would need more information. With so little to go on, my advice is as follows: find a gay man, put a wig on him, and call him "Prissy." If you keep the lights off (and don't feel around too much) you will never know the difference. Then you'll have your "butch fem."    -- Stirring Up the Cauldron, BarbieDear Uncle Barbie

I read your column and you seem pretty level headed so maybe you can help me out here. I am a 30 year old bisexual woman who is currently in a LTR with a man whom I love a ton and don't want to lose. He knows of my inclinations and it doesn't bother him. I have felt this way my whole life but never dated a woman mostly because I have always been involved with a man. The problem is, I am at the point where my urges are getting the best of me and I really want to investigate this side of me. Is it a horrible thing to want to "hook up" with a like-minded female discreetly as long as she knows it's just for fun?
                                                           Signed, Stuck on the other side
Hello Other side,
It can be a wonderful thing to hook up with a like-minded female. I’m just wondering what has taken you so long to explore this side of yourself. You say that you have felt this way your whole life, and yet you have never dated a womyn, only men. What has been keeping you back? Was it fear of family disapproval, societal disapproval, or perhaps your own disapproval of your sexuality.
  Before we address the issue of bisexual dating in a polygamist relationship, I think we need to first deal with the issue of self-esteem. How do you really feel about yourself? What’s your opinion of your bisexuality? How do you feel when you think about your sexual identity? Are you confident in your bisexuality? If the answer is yes, then where did that confidence come from? After all, you have never acted on your bisexual desires. So far, they are only feelings with no action taken, yet.
  I suspect that, like so many other people with bisexual feeling, you have struggled with shame issues. I say this because you stated in your question that you wanted to find a discreet relationship with another womyn. Why did you use the word discreet? Were you discreet in your relationships with men? Did you keep it a secret from the world that you dated men? If you are going to date a womyn, be bold and confident! Why all this tip toeing around? I sense a lot of discomfiture here.
  This type of sexual shame usually develops at a very young age. And it typically can be traced back to the family of origin in which we were raised. Parents sometimes, with good intentions, teach their children to feel embarrassed about nudity and sexuality. For instance, a child may be rebuked for asking a question about sex. Consequently, the child develops feelings of shame in association to topics dealing with sex. You can imagine how these feelings of shame are magnified when the sexual topic in question is about bisexuality or lesbianism.
  Keep in mind that your sexuality is only one part of your overall identity as a person. Therefore, what I recommend to you is to first accept yourself for who you are as a whole person. Then embrace your sexual identity and celebrate it in your heart. Once you have done this, you will be emotionally ready to begin a sexual relationship with a member of the same sex. Start off slowly. Make sure the womyn that you choose to date is good for you. Perhaps you could explore your bisexual side with a like-minded friend whom you already know and trust. When you have found a deeper respect for yourself, you will naturally pick relationships that are constructive and reject those relationships that are destructive.
  You wrote in your question that you wanted your female dating companions to be just for fun. It sounds like you are already limiting the possibilities of any future lesbian relationship. There is nothing intrinsically wrong with having a bedroom buddy, but nonetheless, I suggest you keep an open mind. Open yourself up to the possibilities. After all, you may develop deep feelings for this womyn. You may start caring for her. You may even fall in love! Does that make you anxious? Would a long-term relationship with another womyn put a damper on your parent’s dreams for your future as a housewife with a husband and kids?
  Hey, what about YOUR dreams? What is your ideal relationship(s) like? Picture it in your mind. Do you want to have the best of both worlds—a man and a womyn? Maybe your current boyfriend would like to join you for a little horizontal refreshment. It could be fun with the three of you, as long as you always practice safer sex. The two most important questions for you to ponder are, who are you inside, and what are you really looking for in a relationship?
Dare to dream, Uncle Barbie Dear Barbie,
I have a wife and three children. I also have two boyfriends, one of whom has another lover who I got together with just to talk, and we ended up having sex. Am I a whore?
Signed, I think so

Hello Hussy,
No, you're not a whore. Whores get paid—you're just a slut! It all depends upon how you think of yourself. The way you view yourself influences the way you conduct your life. Are you happy being a tramp? If so, then enjoy yourself (just make sure no one gets used or hurt, and always use condoms!). However, if you do not want to be known as "the little gay trollop of the Northland," then perhaps you need to turn over a new leaf--instead of turning another trick. If you start viewing yourself the way you want to become, your behavior will act according to your new self-image. Here are some questions to ask yourself: Are you doing what is best for your family? Do you view gay men as sex objects, or do you respect them? Remember, he way you view others influences the way you treat them.
Welcoming transformation, Barbie

Dear Uncle Barbie,
Why do so many women differ in pain levels when they menstruate? Why do we have this pain?
Signed, Perplexed

Hello Perplexed,
The first thing I need to convey to you is that if you are experiencing severe pain or unusual symptoms associated with your menstruation, then you really need to see your gynecologist. She can serve you better in this area than I can.
  Actually, I'm a little bowled over that you would ask me such a personal question as this. In the olden days, you would have just asked your mother. Who, in turn, probably would have drawn you a picture of a bird's nest with two eggs cracking open to hatch. Now-a-days, womyn send in these type of private questions to an anonymous advice columnist and then wait at least a week to get a response. My, how times have changed.
  Well, let me see how I can best handle this situation delicately. The last time I menstruated was in a past life, so I'm at a bit of a disadvantage here. For that reason, I consulted some people who are specialist in this area. Based on the information available to me, I learned that part of the menstruation process involves the shedding of the lining of the uterus. This is what causes most of the pain. Since all womyn are different, they all have varying degrees of pain tolerance when they menstruate. This may be one of the reasons why some womyn can withstand greater pain than others. That's about all the information I could gather. If you want more detailed information than what I have provided, please call a physician or nurse.
Going with the flow, Barbie

Dear Uncle Barbie,
I am a female who works for the same company in a different state. I had this person ask this question…. If the two are not doing anything to provoke attention, why can't people leave them alone? Why? Is this a case of Romeo and Juliet?
Unsigned

Hello Unsigned,
Please excuse me—I don' mean to be rude. It's just that I don't know what the Hell you are talking about! Your question does not even make any sense to me. This is too weird for me. My only advice to you is that you should write to a mental health professional who is use to dealing with strange questions.
Passing the buck, Barbie

Dear Uncle Barbie,
How on earth can us poor working shmoes keep our cool while our souls are being eaten alive  by the demands of low-paying service and corporate jobs?
Signed, A. Shmoe.

Hello Poor Shmoe,
     Oh, you poor shmoe, you. Tisk, tisk. If you want to keep your soul, follow your true path in life. Keep in mind that there is a difference between being successful in your professional life and being successful in your personal life. Taking care of your soul is a separate issue from taking care of your career. When you say in your question that your soul is being eaten by your corporate job, it causes me to wonder if you are really keeping your professional life separated from your personal life. With few exceptions, most people take care of their souls outside of work. Let me provide you with some suggestions on how to keep a balance between the two.
  Let’s start by talking about your career. If your current, “corporate” job is low pay, then what you need to do is provide a useful service that is in high demand. I read somewhere that if you want to succeed in your profession, there are three things you need to do: 1) discover what you are naturally good at doing; 2) turn that talent into a service that is useful to others; 3) design your skills so that you are difficult to replace. That is really the key to business success—plain and simple. Take, for example, a brain surgeon. He or she is a person who has learned to use their natural, in-born gifts and talents for that kind of work. Add to that many years of training & education, and you have a highly skilled professional. Now, obviously, this type of skill is a useful service that is in high demand, and also the surgeons are difficult to replace. And there you have an example of someone who is successful in their line of work. That is why most surgeons earn more money in one day than a “poor shmoe” does for the whole year working for minimum wages.
   The most important thing you can do about your career is to get motivated to make some positive changes. What would be your ideal job? What type of a person would you need to become in order to have that job? Do you really want to be that type of person? Would being that type of person eat your soul? (As a therapist, I can’t tell you how many times I have heard clients whining about their lives. Yet, seemingly, they were unwilling to do anything about it.) Make a list of the three top career goals you have for this year. Then get going on them.
   Now as far as your personal life is concerned, let’s get focused by answering the following question: are you caring for your soul as much as you would like to? If not, what has been holding you back? Perhaps your work has been interfering with your spiritual time. If this is the case, then you definitely want to make sure that you pick a career that accommodates your spirit and gives you enough free time to have a personal life. Get a clear idea of your future. Use visualizations by picturing your ideal future in your mind. This will give you something to aim for. Now create your ideal day. Where would you be? What would you be doing? Who would you be with? Do your answers feed your soul, or do they seem to drain your energy level? How do you feel when you think about your ideal day and future? If you do not feel some kind of positive emotion, then perhaps you need to re-evaluate your vision and personal goals. If, however, you feel energized and happy, then you know you are on the right path in life. Now it is just a matter of making your vision come true. It will not just happen on its own. You need to design your own life. What are the necessary actions or steps that you need to consistently follow to nurture your soul/spirit/dreams? Take action on one of those steps, today! Don’t just read this advice column, and then take a nap. Get up off your dead ass, and do something to reach your goal. I mean now!!!

Your personal coach, Barbie.
Dear Uncle Barbie,
I am a gay, white male, and my older sister’s fiancé made a pass at  me. When I told him, “No,” he threatened to kill me if I told anyone!  Should I talk to my sister about this? What should I do?
   Signed, Needing help.

Hello Needing Help,
  If someone threatens to murder you, they probably mean  business. You need to take his threats very  seriously. I have heard too many   stories about people getting killed through domestic violence. If I were you, I would anonymously call the police from a pay phone and talk to an officer about this matter. The police can give you advice on how to protect yourself. If you do not want the police to arrest this man, then you do not need to give them his name. The point is to get some advice on how to stay safe. And you need to do it now! I am very surprised that you wrote to an advice columnist about such a serious matter. My column only runs biweekly. My worst fear is that by the time this article is published it may be too late for you!
  To answer your other question, yes, you should definitely tell your sister. She has the right to know what kind of a person she is about to marry. I would first talk to the police to find out how to protect yourself in case this creep comes after you for telling your sister. And don’t be surprised if your sister does not believe you and tells the fiancé what you said. It may sound strange, but most people who are in love will do anything to protect their lover—and their fantasy of romance. Your sister may believe him rather than you. This is not because she does not love you as a brother, rather it is because she does not WANT to believe that her knight in shining armor could do such a thing. This may sound cruel, but you will most likely break her heart when you reveal this secret to her. To tell her the truth is to shatter her image of him. She does not want to think of her fiancé as an untrustworthy, disloyal, backstabber who has bisexual tendencies toward her own brother. So don’t be shocked if she gets very angry with you and denies the situation ever happened.
  On the other hand, she may believe you. She may have had suspicions about him all along. Maybe she has been the victim of his verbal abuse and or threats. Perhaps the information that you share with her will be the missing piece to the puzzle that she needs to see a more complete picture of him. She could appreciate you informing her. In any case, you need to tell her the facts about what happened. Please do not fool yourself into thinking that he will change or that things will get better if you keep this incident a secret. Every abuser wants their victims to keep quiet.
  I am telling you as clearly as I can, Silence Does Not Protect The Victim - It Protects The Perpatrator!
 When you do talk to your sister, do not add your interpretation of what you think he was thinking or feeling. Do not try to analyze him or label him with judgmental names. Just be factual, and tell your sister exactly what happened - without putting meaning to it. Let her draw her own conclusions. It may be extremely difficult to tell her this information, however, remember that you need to tell the truth—to protect her and yourself. Think about this question, do you really want this man to become a member of your family? If he gets into your lives, both you and your sister will continue to be mistreated and or abused—on some level. He will not change. Any psychologist can tell you that the success rate of  therapy is extremely poor for a person with sociopathic behaviors - like this man. The tragic fact is that these anti-social behavioral patterns (once established) tend to last a lifetime. Get away from him as fast as you can!!!
   Be Strong, Barbie.

Dear Uncle Barbie,

After being married for seven years, and together for 20 years, how does one fall back in love? ---Unsigned

Hello Unsigned,

     If I knew the secret to help people fall back in love, I would be a millionaire. It seems to me that if you want to rekindle the fires of romance with your current partner, you could look back on what started those romantic sparks in the first place. What first attracted you to this person? You could possibly recapture some of those lost feelings by simply thinking about the favorable characteristics that your partner possessed when the two of you first started seeing each other. But then again, people change over time, so your partner may not still have those same original traits anymore. (Okay, scratch that idea. Let’s try another one.) How’s this approach, instead. The relationship has run its course. It wasn’t meant to last longer than it already has. Nothing lasts forever. What’s important is that you grow from the experience. So then, what did you learn from spending twenty plus years with this partner? How have you grown? (Oh, never mind. This approach is sounding too preachy.)

     Try this psychoanalysis on for size. Maybe you are codependent on your partner. It is conceivable that you just got involved in this long-term relationship because there was something about this person that met some deep rooted, unresolved need within your unconscious. What needs did you have at the beginning of this escapade? Have those needs been met, or do you still have a need for a relationship with this person? Since your question is asking about how to “fall back in love,” it sounds like you still have some unresolved dependency issues to work through. Maybe you are relying too much on your romantic partner to meet all your emotional needs for security and a sense of being nurtured. In all probability, you never fully developed a mature sense of autonomy during adolescence, and therefore failed to individuate yourself from your parents. Consequently, you still have an infantile desire for parental care. (Was that too analytical? Perhaps sooooo.)

     Let us observe this from a more emotional standpoint. There is a difference between the uncontrollable feeling of falling in love and the intentional decision of loving someone. Feelings, of any kind, are rarely something we choose. We can learn to deal with them, and adjust to them, but we have a very difficult time controlling emotions—particularly strong emotions. By the way, that is one of the biggest reasons why so many people have resorted to using mood altering substances like alcohol, nicotine, tranquilizers, antidepressants and other prescription mood stabilizers; it is all just another attempt to manage our emotions--although be it a thwarted attempt. Trying to force yourself to fall back in love with this person will only result in feelings of frustration and eventually discouragement and depression. (Wait a minute. Now I’m getting depressed. Let’s try another approach.)

     How about a metaphysical / new age / cosmic view of this situation? What type of energy have you been sending out to the Universe? Whatever energy you send out comes back to you. If you give off a vibration of love, then love will be attracted to that wavelength frequency, and it will come into your life. Don’t fight with the Universe; it has a plan for your life. Just let things flow naturally. If it is meant to be that you rekindle your lost love, then you will. You can not forcefully make it happen without interfering with the natural course of things. And that can have tremendous consequences on your spirit, your mind, and your life—as well as, the lives of all those around you. Simply walk your path in life with gratitude. The best you can do is try. Put out a reasonable amount of effort to regain these lost feelings of love, and see what your efforts bring back to you. Who knows, your life may take a new direction for the better. (That sounded to abstract, didn’t it?

Oh, well. I’m going to bed. It’s late, and I'm on the rag!)

Moving on, Barbie -