Ask The Irreverent Uncle Barbie

Dear Uncle Barbie,
With all the talk about gay marriages, I wonder what makes the straight community, Moral Majority, 700 Club, and conservative fundamentalists so uptight. How do same-sex marriages infringe on traditional marriages?
Signed, Confused Country
 
Hello Confused Country,
Giving same-sex couples the right to marry does not infringe on traditional marriages; rather, it enhances the loving concept of marriage. Many people react irrationally when they are afraid of the unknown. I believe that is what's happening in this country with this issue of same-sex marriage. People with conservative attitudes are worried about what it would mean to them if gay marriages were legalized. Unfortunately, instead of being honest about their feelings, they use religious rhetoric to disguise their irrational fears. They hide behind their Christian religion by using Bible verses to rationalize their prejudice (seemingly forgetting that the true message of Jesus was to love one another).
  It has been well-documented that parents who use an authoritarian style of parenting breed families with deep prejudicial beliefs. Yet, these same families who engender prejudice will go to church and create a self-image of purity and goodness. Perhaps these church-goers attend their religious services to ease their guilty consciences. We can only hope, right?
  The right-wing politicians can talk a convincing line as they carefully and skillfully phrase their agenda vernacular, but I do not believe their promises. Unfortunately these politicians influence the government and the people they misrepresent. They have influence on the governmental funds and how they are spent. The members of the religious right own many of the conservative politicians who, in turn, trample the rights of gay and lesbian citizens. Likewise, they control the preachers who act like lobbyists. (I was raised in a fundamentalist home-believe me, I know what I am talking about. For years, I have heard their bigotry-laced sermons, and I do not believe their lies.)
  I guess what really irritates me the most about the religious right, is in the way they profess to love their enemies, but their actions do not testify to their philosophy of universal love. Their words and behaviors are incongruent because they live their lives as hypocrites. For example, they look at me and label me as an abomination unto the Lord. Yet, I am quite sure that the hatred in their hearts and their private thoughts are a much greater offense to the loving Creator.
  The teachings of their religion say not to judge others, yet they do not seem to be able to let go of their prejudice. Consequently, they try to degrade, devalue, and dismiss people who are gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgendered by saying that equal rights are not for us. Consequently, it is that type of attitude and those who support it which create the current persecution and oppression.  
Think about It, Barbie

Dear Auntie Barbie,
I am in the seminary and read your column online. I am doing an oral presentation on the Ten Commandments for my class. The 6th and the 9th commandments are both about sex (#6: Thou shalt not commit adultery, and #9: Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife). What are those two words concerning the 69 sex acts? Number 6 was felictia I think, but I probable have the spelling wrong. What was number 9 again?
Signed, Buss In and Buss Out

Hello Buzzy Bee,
The sexual position called 69 is simply where two people perform oral sex on each other at the same time (also known as a double header). It can be done by two people of any sex (a man and womyn, two womyn, or two men).
  You mentioned fellatio (performed on a man) and asked about the other term for oral sex. I think the word you are searching for is cunnilingus (performed on a woman).
  Just to be socially responsible, you should use a dental dam whenever you perform oral sex on a man or woman. If you have never heard of a dental dam and want to know what it is...it’s a 4'' by 4'' piece of latex/prophylactic.
  Before you perform oral sex, you stretch the dental dam across your mouth (not your nose - you need to breathe). If applied correctly, you should look like a physician wearing a rubber surgical mask. (Anyone want to play doctor? No? Just thought I’d ask.) The dental dam material is stretchy enough to allow your tongue to stick out and maneuver around (in a pleasurable fashion), while at the same time providing a protective barrier to guard against sexually transmitted diseases. Put simply, a dental dam prevents the exchange of bodily fluids.
  If you are not able to find a dental dam at your corner pharmacy, you can just take any ordinary condom, unroll it, and cut it open along the full length of one side. This will result in a square piece of latex which, of course, is the same damn thing as a dental dam. Just make sure you do not use the type of condom
that has spermicidal lube on it--it tastes icky poo! I recommend using flavored condoms; or better yet, use your own favorite ice cream toppings to drizzle onto the prophylactic square. (Unless you have the IQ of Cool Whip, you don't want to put the flavored syrup on the side that touches the other person's privates. Just put it on the side that your tongue touches - duh!) It's a nice way to please your sex partner and still be safe from all the nasties. I think of it as a tasteful way to respect each other’s health.
  On a side note, oral sex is so sinfully delicious that many religions have declared it to be immoral and an abomination to God because it does not result in procreation. Many years ago in this country, lawmakers passed legislation making oral sex illegal and punishable under the sodomy laws. Some states have overturned these laws, but there are still plenty of states (usually along the Bible belt) that still have sodomy laws on the books. So make sure you draw your bedroom blinds before indulging in this type of horizontal refreshment.
  Good luck to you on your "oral” presentation. I am sure that you will hold the class’ attention - all 69 of them!
Always One Step Away from Being Criminal, Uncle Barbie
(Using his sexuality the way some folks wave a flyswatter)

 
Dear Uncle Barbie,
I am 23 years old. Am I too old to celebrate Halloween? Other than going to the bars, how can I celebrate this holiday?
Signed, Adult Child
 
Hello Adult Child,
According to the ancient Wiccan calendar, the autumn season (namely Halloween) is the Pagan New Year. The traditional Pagan term for Halloween is Samhain. It is the time of year when the veils between the spirit world and the physical world are the thinnest. In other words, the channels of communication are the clearest during the season of Samhain. Therefore, it is much easier to communicate with your deceased loved ones. In some cultures, the people will honor their dead by setting out an offering plate of food by the door for the visiting spirits to enjoy on their long journey. Other cultures gather together for what is referred to as a dumb supper which is a meal eaten in total silence while meditating on the ancestors.
  Here is one simple way you can contact the spirits of your ancestors this Halloween: go into a quiet room, light a candle, shut off the lights, sit on the floor, experience the silence, reach out with your senses, and open your mind. You may receive a message in any form (such as thoughts or feelings). Or you may simply sense the presence of the spirits. The autumn/Samhain holiday is the time to make your new year requests of the spirits for the things you want, as well as the time to get rid of unwanted habits. This can be viewed as a symbolic death and rebirth experience. The fall is when our Mother Earth is entering a dormancy stage before being renewed in the spring. So as the trees drop their leaves, you, too, can drop undesirable things from your life.
Happy Pagan New Year, Uncle Barbie

Inappropriate Touching at Work
 
Dear Uncle Barbie,
We have a hands-off policy at work. What do you do when a company does not practice what they preach? Especially when the people who give or make the laws break them?
Signed, L.M.
 
Hello L.M.,
This can be a delicate situation because you have people in authority positions at work who have power over you. It is really about respect--respect for your personal space. It sounds as if the person in charge of your supervisor/boss needs to be made aware of this situation. Unwanted touching at the work place is considered sexual harassment. Read the company's policy on sexual harassment, and see what is written about it. Some people think they are above the law. Talk with whomever is offending you, and let them know that you do not appreciate being touched. Let people know that you have personal boundaries, and establish those boundaries clearly with them. If they try to touch you again, bluntly tell them, no!
   In this world, each of us actually needs to let others know how we want to be treated. It is as if we are literally teaching people how we want them to interact with us. People do not just automatically know how you like to be treated. You did not give me very many details in your question, so I do not know how severe this situation is for you. If it is really intolerable, you may want to follow the company's procedure manual for filing a complaint. And, if it is really, really intolerable, as a last resort, talk to an attorney for a free consultation to see if your company has violated sexual harassment laws. When all is said and done, ultimately you need to ask yourself this question, "Do I want to continue working for that kind of an agency?"
Caring for Yourself, Barbie

Dear Barbie,
For a long time I really questioned if Jesus was the Son of God or just a brilliant philosopher. Then one day, I couldn’t find my wallet. I said, “Jesus, please help me find it.” Within seconds, I found it. What does this mean? P.S. How do I get over my feelings of revulsion for Pentecostals?
Signed, Zo Zoe Zose Zadfrackglaz

Hello Zo Zoe...(whatever),
 Yes, Jesus was a son of God, and so are you, and so am I. We are all sons and daughters of the God/Goddess. Take pride in that. Your “prayer” to find your wallet was answered because your Creator (by any name) loves you. As far as the Pentecostals go, everyone is on their own path. There are so many different religions (and not just one true religion) because people are at different levels in their spiritual stages of development with different needs. You follow your path, and let the Pentecostals follow theirs. One final note—as you ponder on which deities to trust, just remember who will stick by you in the end. Jesus may damn you to Hell, but Uncle Barbie will ALWAYS love you. However, reading my advice column may make you feel like you’re in Hell!
Bow to Me, Barbie

Job Burnout

Dear Uncle Barbie,
It’s part of my job as a service worker, but why do I have to talk to stupid people?
Signed, Frustrated Service Worker

Hello Frustrated Worker,
It sounds as if you are suffering from work burnout. Don’t you have a coworker you can confide in and ask for some advice? Sometimes it really helps to talk things over with the people working next to you. You can kinda blow off some steam, so to speak. Of course, you don’t want to complain too much because if you over do it, you might alienate yourself and lose friends. Now that I think about it, if you are really that dissatisfied with your job, maybe it is time to try a new job— FAST!!!
Reach Out and Touch a Coworker, Barbie

Interview Tricks
 
Dear Uncle Barbie,
I’ve been trying to get a job for a month. I’ve filled out around 30 applications and had four interviews. All of them said they would call me back which obviously means I didn’t get the job. I can’t lie; I can’t fake an eagerness to clean up after other people’s pubic hairs. Or have people scream at me; I’ve had five people complain about chips of food on their silverware. They ask me what my ideal place to work would be. I say a company that’s socially and environmentally responsible. Once I got to the drug test and I said, “Wow, it’s great you don’t have to pee in a cup anymore.” (They took a sample of my saliva.) Then when the man asked me about my schedule, I said, “I’m really free,” instead of, “My schedule is really free.” And he had an embarrassed look. I was thinking, should I say, “I didn’t mean it that way?” I never got a call back, needless to say.
  When they ask me why I want the job, I imply that it’s because I don’t have to deal with people because I have no interpersonal skills, and it looks fairly easy; I can’t hide what I’m thinking. I hate work. At the last place I worked, my manager fondled my “relatively significant other” right in front of me, knowing about our relationship. The other manager kept making racist and sexist comments: “Women are so clumsy; that’s why I would never hire a woman chef,” and referring to immigrants as “those bastards who steal all of our tax dollars.” At the job before that I was so stressed out I became delusional and thought that a coworker was trying to poison me with ant spray. Once I locked myself in the bathroom crying for over two hours on the clock. Should I keep trying to get a job, apply for welfare, or become a hobo? I will give you $25 a month of plasma money if you let me camp in your back yard and use your garden hose, if you have a backyard, or one of your friends; I’ve done it before.
Sincerely, Unskilled Repetitive Worker

Hello Unskilled Specialist,
  Your question is loaded with emotional baggage, so I will dissect your story piece by piece. Your situation is very much like a puzzle that only makes sense when all of the pieces are together. First of all, let’s address the issue of job interview skills. You would do well to get a book at your local library that deals with how to interview for jobs. These books can teach you everything you need to know about successful interviewing (from how to dress to how to speak professionally).
  Here are a few of the techniques that I use when I go on an interview:
  1) Do your research to find out as much as possible about the company to which you are applying. Nothing impresses a future employer like an applicant who took the time to really know the company and what it does.
  2) Prove to the interviewer that you are a good match for the job. You can do this by showing how your skills and experiences are applicable to the new job.
  3) Have an attitude of giving, not taking. In other words, walk into that interview with the attitude that you have something (a service) to offer them. The worst attitude you can have is to expect the employer to “give” you something. Remember that their company owes you nothing. That is why you need to prove to them that you can benefit their organization.
  4) Remember to smile and be friendly. Nobody wants to hire a sourpuss.
  5) Last, after each interview, be sure to send a thank you card to the person who interviewed you. This is very important because it shows that you care and that you are willing to go the extra mile. Besides, it’s just a classy thing to do. This way of saying thank you has earned me more jobs than any other technique I know. It’s magical! Try it.
  Now let’s talk about career choices. When you said in your question, “I hate work,” that told me that you are far from your ideal job and career. What do you love to do more than anything? Once you discover this, you discover your passion in life. The best jobs you can have are the jobs that utilize your natural talents and that you enjoy doing. What do you do better than anyone else? Once you discover this-you discover your “calling” in life. Next, turn your natural talents (that you love to do) into a service. To find the career that is most suited for you, simply ask yourself this question, “What is the greatest service that I can provide to the greatest number of people?” Then do it with a passion! It’s all about serving others. I believe it was the late Mother Teresa who said, “Do what makes you smile.”
  It sounds as if some of your past employers have been very insensitive to you. (By the way, if your boss makes prejudicial remarks at work, you can document it and report it to the Human Rights office.) You mentioned that you had delusions at work where you believed people where trying to poison you. You also mentioned that you had a crying spell at work that lasted for two hours. Are you aware that these are warning signs of psychological decomposition? In my professional opinion, you seem to be exhibiting symptoms that are consistent with those found in the Mood Disorders category. I strongly suggest that you go in to be assessed by a licensed psychologist to determine if you are suffering from a psychological disorder, specifically Major Depressive Disorder. In your question, you asked if you should apply for welfare. If you do have a diagnosable psychological condition, then you could be eligible for various forms of social services (welfare). Additionally, you may qualify for free vocational training and job placement where a social worker can help you locate suitable employment. I wish you all the best.

Hopeful for the Future, Barbie
A Philosophical Concussion

Dear Uncle Barbie,
Your column is such a great opportunity for anyone to contribute in a public dialogue with a truly educated member of an alternate sexual preference group than most of us happen to be. And the frosting on the cake is that you, Uncle Barbie, have such a great sense of humor. If we cannot laugh at ourselves, as well as others - especially ones who leave themselves open to this manner of sharing - then we, as members of the free world, truly are not very tolerant or interested in one another's freedom and liberty, are we?
  Because we are members of a diverse culture which we seem to enjoy calling the melting pot, how can we ignore or judge any faction without limiting ourselves? Freedom of religion means all religions, doesn't it? Even the ones who believe there is something not to believe in.
  This brings up another interesting point. If, in fact, the highest court in the land rules at all on issues such as abortion and same sex marriages, isn't that mixing church and state? I mean, is it only obvious to me that such matters are concerns of belief--thus religious matters should not even be considered for new laws. If I were a woman and there was a movement which threatened to make it impossible for me to decide what I can and cannot do with my own body, I would be furious - especially in a so-called free country.
  Why can't there be at least something we can all agree on other than to disagree? Well, I'll get off my soapbox and wait for the naysayers to have their chance. Thanks again for the opportunity to use my freedom of speech.
Signed, Whomever

Hello Whomever,
As I was reading your letter of free-association, I found myself gasping for breath. Dude, you really need to put more periods in your paragraphs! I am sure that writing all your thoughts down on paper was a cathartic experience for you--but damn! Give the poor reader a pause now and then--whew! (Do you really think that it is such a good idea to use up your entire vocabulary in one paragraph?)
  Reading your letter is like falling off a political cliff. As I plummeted from your loose associations, I found myself grabbing at whatever I could to slow myself down. Eventually, I acrobatically cascaded my way to a ground covered with rock-hard issues and sharp topics. When I finished crashing from your flight of ideas, I had to check myself for bruises. I swear…your letters could give someone a philosophical concussion.
  Anyway, let me address a few of your questions. You are right on several points. Any time we ignore or judge groups in our society, we also limit ourselves. What affects one person, affects us all. Yes, freedom of religion needs to apply to all faiths in order for it to be truly free. Yes, legislating moral issues, like abortion and same sex marriages, is mixing church and state. And finally, to answer your last question, I think one thing we can all agree on is that we all need love. (Somehow, I have a feeling that you know you are preaching to the choir.) Let's do our part to spread kindness.
Testify Brother, Barbie

The Glittering, Clittering Boss
 
Dear Uncle Barbie,
Why is it that incompetent liars are promoted to supervise the hard workers in a company? The company I work for is ok except a supervisor of mine. She was formerly my immediate supervisor and due to recent turnovers (or should I say, firings), was promoted. She will say that she will take care of something, but not do it, and then blame me for it not getting done. Even after I have asked what I needed to do to get it done, she will not tell me. Nobody gets their annual evaluations on time, and then she had our new, immediate supervisor give our evaluations with lies on them. I have never before had a bad review within my whole work history, even when I was 16 years old. It was also contradictory. I have dreamed actual dreams of killing her with my bare hands. I would never contemplate this in my conscious world, let alone act upon it. She constantly finds things wrong with people but when we do something good, all she says is, “Good job” as she is either looking over our shoulder or actually turning her head away. She has actually lied to me, and then I catch her in it, and she lies again to cover her first lie. We peons actually wonder how she was promoted because she has no actual experience doing our jobs.
  I like my career and an updating my resume to submit to several companies here in town. Due to my husband’s career, I could quit tomorrow. But, I feel the need to work because I need activity to keep me busy. When I had to leave my last place of employment (due to moving to this area), I chose not to work for two months. It was the hardest time for me to be inactive, although I was involved in several interest groups. I respect the people who can afford not to work and do not. It is just not for me. My supervisor is incompetent and lies, and I need advice on how to deal with her while I am at this job.
  P.S. In the last nine months, five co-workers have actually quit because of her.
Signed, All that Clitters is Not Gold

Hello Golden Clit,
It is tough to work for an unpredictable boss/supervisor because you are never sure of your footing. It is like trying to do a balancing act on a large circus ball. If you make a misguided move in the wrong direction, you end up cascading to the floor in what can only be described as an acrobatic tumbling act. Many people think of their place of work as being like a cage. In your case, it seems more like a prison. And for good reason. There is actually a close similarity between the two. In a jail cell, you are inside bars, but you would rather be free. At your place of employment, you are free, but you would rather be inside some bars. (I guess that sounded funnier inside my head.)
  Clearly, your boss is on a power trip. I guess being a crabby bitch is part of her charm. I bet this Nazi in nylons thinks that the more she bullies people, the more effective she is at her job. (I wonder if your boss’ digestive system passed out any of the employee that she chewed up and ate recently?) If it gives you any comfort, you are not alone in your misery. Most everyone has been in an employment situation where they were stuck dealing with the work jerk. To answer your question, the best way that I know to deal with an incompetent boss, who is also a liar, is to get out! Maybe that means transferring to another department, and maybe that means finding a different job altogether. These unethical bosses/supervisors will not just go away with wishful thinking. I can safely say that your boss slithered into her position of power through deceit. So, she will, no doubt, continue to use dishonest means to hold her position in the company. You need to get away from her. I hate to say this, but in my experience, things will only get worse if you stay. Look for greener pastures.
A Boil on the Ass of Decency, Barbie

Astrological Etiquette
 
Dear Uncle Barbie,
My sister and I are wondering about the etiquette of something in a new romantic relationship; namely, how soon may one inquire as to the exact moment of the significant other's birth? As you probably are aware, this piece of information (the hour and minute on the day and year of one's birth) is vital to preparation of the person's astrological chart. After all, it would be nice to be able as early as possible to get prepared for the probable compatibilities or incompatibilities one will experience in a new relationship as dictated by the stars.   Signed, Emily Post
 
Hello Ms. Post,
How Crafty of the two of you to be brewing up an astrological chart for your new romantic relationship. And just in time for Valentine's Day, too. (Of course, I do not know if an astrologer, such as the two of you, would celebrate a holiday that is named after Saint Valentine. But, who knows; maybe you are spiritually eclectic.) Anyway, getting back to your question. I think that the timing needs to be just right. If you ask personal questions about your partner's birth on the first day, it will make him/her defensive (and maybe even a little turned off). On the other hand, you do not want to wait too long into the relationship because then you may discover that you have been wasting your time with someone with whom you are incompatible. Hmmm, what to do? What would an herbal/healing witch, like me, do in a situation such as this one?
  Let me look into my crystal ball and see if I can draw on some wisdom from the ancients. Hmmm, the images that I see in the crystal ball appear to be many faces with eyes peering back at me. The sense that I get for you is that there are too many people involved in your current romantic endeavor. Perhaps there are too many eyes watching what's going on in your personal affairs. I think that it would greatly improve things if you were to proceed with your new relationship without the involvement of your friends. If your date senses that there are other people scrutinizing him/her, then your date may get spooked and back away. I am sure you have heard of the phrase, "Too many cooks spoil the broth." Well, in this case, too many astrologers can spoil the brew. (So to speak.)
  You asked about etiquette. The simple fact is that nobody likes to be analyzed, classified, and categorized. And although you may not intend to pigeonhole your new partner, unfortunately he/she may end up feeling that way when all is said and done. What I suggest is that you wait until your new significant other is comfortable with you as a person. Then let him/her know that you are an astrologist (in other words, come out of the broom closet, honey). After that, ask your partner if he/she wants to have an astrological chart done. If the answer is no, then respect that. If the answer is yes, then you know that you have earned his/her trust. Make it an enjoyable experience that the two of you can share together, rather than doing the chart privately. That's my idea of proper astrological etiquette.
  As far as your desire to find out the compatibilities or incompatibilities early in the relationship, there are many different ways to reveal these things in addition to looking to the stars. My favorite way is to use a technique known as gazing. You simply have the person gaze at something for a long time (like clouds, a pool of water, a campfire, or simply the flame on a candle), and then have him/her tell you what he/she sees. Whatever is seen while gazing reveals personality traits that have been drawn out from the shadows of the person's subconscious. Then you will have all the information you need to determine if the two of you are compatible as long term partners or not. Just remember to be open about what you are doing, and inform the other person as to what is going on. Honesty and clear communication are the very best form of compatibility you can build in any relationship. As the ancient sages say, "Do as ye will, lest ye harm none." 
Blessed Be, Barbie

An Imitation Christ
 
Dear Uncle Barbie,
Why do I take such pleasure in knowing that Christ is going to punish the people I do not like? Several days ago, I ran into a woman who used to be my neighbor. I never did like her very much, but now I actually hate her, especially after what she said to me about my dad. She asked me, "What's new?" I started telling her that my dad was in the hospital and very sick. She smirked and said, "Oh, then there is a God after all." She was actually happy to hear that my dad was suffering. I know that she never got along very well with my dad, but I cannot believe that she would be happy to find out that he was in pain. The only way I could make myself feel better was to tell myself that she would undoubtedly go to Hell for being such a bad person. It felt really good to know that she would burn in Hell for all eternity. So my question to you is this, why do I feel so happy knowing that my enemies are going to Hell?
Signed, Amber
 
Hello Amber,
Perhaps your name should be Ember rather than Amber (as in a burning ember from Hell). You say you believe that Christ will punish the people you do not like. Thinking of Jesus as a vengeful God is to believe in an imitation Christ. For most loving people, wishing that another human being would spend eternity in pain would be a new low. For you, however, I suspect that this is just a new medium. I find it interesting that both you and your former neighbor draw satisfaction from the suffering of your enemies. I know you will hate me for saying this, but the two of you are more alike than you want to admit. (Now, I suppose, you are going to fantasize about me having a reservation at Hotel Hell for making that last comment.) I am not intentionally trying to annoy you. It's just that it is my job, as a therapist, to cut through all the bullshit and point out the issues that everyone else is tiptoeing around. The issue here is that you want to see her suffer just as much as she wants to see your dad suffer. Of course, I cannot FORCE either one of you to change your attitude. As an advice columnist, it is not my job to CHANGE human behavior--only to poke fun of it. (It is a nice job, if you can get it.)
  I am able to recognize and identify this type of destructive thought pattern because I grew up in a religious household that implemented and put into practice said mind set. Now that I look at this issue from a familial/domestic perspective, I am starting to sense that this whole punitive attitude of retaliation is starting to take on the flavor of parental punishment. I think most of us remember hearing the threatening phrase, "You are gonna get it when dad gets home." Perhaps this need you have to punish the unholy is a carryover from your childhood days when your parents unconsciously modeled that attitude for you. Be honest with yourself; you picked up that viewpoint somewhere. Upon a broader reflection of societal values, the legal system in this country seems to be based on a punitive and moralistic foundation rather than one of rehabilitation and reconciliation. Even in the courtrooms, judges make similar moralistic statements, such as, "I can only sentence you to life in prison, but there is a greater judgment that awaits you after you die." How many times have we heard the statement, "You will have to answer for your crimes to a higher power in the next life"?
  To answer your question more specifically, I think you feel happy believing that your enemies are going to Hell because it reinforces your belief in a just world. Believing that the people who hurt you will, in turn, also be hurt is a defense mechanism. You are simply trying to console yourself to even the score. It is a rather futile mental exercise and one that I strongly suggest you break. It's counterproductive to waste your energy on fantasies of petty revenge. Instead, focus your attention on more positive thoughts. All major religions encourage their members to love their fellow human beings. Since you have indicated that you are a Christian, I will relay the information in a contextual framework to which you will be more accustomed. Christ commanded his followers to love one another--even to love their enemies. That's quite an undertaking. However, you will find that feeling love is a much more rewarding experience than harboring hatred in your heart. We all have free will, so choose to think of your enemies as being a test from God/Goddess to see how well you can love your fellow human beings. Use THAT to console yourself.
A Clear Sign of the Apocalypse, Barbie

Evolutionary, My Dear Growlie!
Dear Uncle Barbie,
Why, in some schools, is evolution taught as fact? It is a theory. Why can't "intelligent design" be taught along with evolution? They are both theories.
Signed, Growlie
 
Hello Growlie,
This is really a question of etiology. By the way, I am not familiar with the term "intelligent design." Is that a new, updated, more politically correct, shiny title for the old term, creationism? If you are asking for my opinion on this subject, I think that a variety of theories and philosophies need to be taught in the schools, not just one. Every theory has legitimate points to make. And I think that people on both sides of this issue would agree that no single, philosophical theory is perfect or holds ALL the answers. Nobody has a monopoly on all truths. So, therefore, we need to take the factual evidence from each of the various theories and collaborate that information to make a more accurate picture of the human genesis and progression.
  You asked why evolution is taught as fact? I have a hard time believing that the teachers are calling evolution completely factual. Perhaps it seems as if they are teaching it as fact because they are putting an emphasis on evolutionary theory more than other etiologies. If this is what's happening, then it's probably because most of the scientific evidence appears to support (not prove) some (not all) of the principal ideas of evolution. This is not to say that other theories do not have supporting evidence, too. It is simply a matter of which theory carries the most validity and reliability according to scientific methodology standards.
  The big problem here is that this nationwide debate has gone way beyond the classroom and into the religious and political arenas. Consequently, it is no longer just about teaching certain theories; now it has become a huge power struggle for control. Parents, religious leaders, and politicians have made this such a hot topic that it has become a bargaining chip to manipulate people, apply leverage on the school systems, gain favor with like-minded individuals, and acquire political standing. It seems to me that the actual quality of the students' education has been overshadowed by the intense emotions of this inflammatory subject. In the battle for power between the opposing camps, high educational standards seem to have been pushed to the wayside. We need to focus on what is best for the children, not what's best for the power-hungry adults.
  Let me end by saying this…I think that the whole debate over creationism vs. Darwinism is stupid. If you believe in a Creator, then He or She created us all--regardless of the method. Who cares whether God/Goddess used evolution to create us, or used the biblical version of spitting into the dirt to make the first man? Either way, the Maker created us. It is ridiculous to argue over which technique was used. Honestly, now, who really gives a rat's ass--or should I say, monkey's ass?
Digging in the Dirt, Barbie

Fundamentalists: the Party Poopers of the Universe
 
Dear Uncle Barbie,
In response to your column from a few months back in which you addressed the religious comments from a reader who was trying to convert you and criticizing science, I, too, am passionately religious. However, unlike the fundies (fundamentalists) who regularly try to bait you, I believe in my faith without any need to convert you to it. Additionally, modern and ancient      science reinforce my faith; they do not detract from it. Like the author of the previous letter, my faith is the axle upon which my whole being revolves. I    define my whole self by my relationship to my Gods (I am polytheistic), but these relationships expand my awareness, teach me to be a better member of the human race, and exhort me to elevate myself spiritually. I am a little concerned that you would treat me with the same bitter venom as you do the fundies.
  I understand your point of view when it comes to people trying to shove their faith down your gullet, but please realize that not all people of faith are conflict driven. Since I am not monotheistic (believing in only one God), I do not believe that my way of faith is the only way to experience the Divine. Therefore, I have no basis to believe I am any better than you. In my opinion, it is the belief by humans that other humans are inherently inferior that is the driving force behind every war in history. While I realize why you responded to the previous writer the way you did, please bear in mind that not all people of faith are party poopers of the universe. Do you only dislike Christian fundamentalists, or do you feel the same way about all people of faith?
Signed, Born Again in Pantheos
 
Hello BAP,
I do acknowledge that not all religious people are of the same mind set as that of the author of the previous letter. One of the things that irritated me most about said letter was the black and white approach he used. Why do fundamentalists view everything as all or none? Instead, how about a collaboration of all points of view? I think that science and religion can go together. People need to find the middle ground. What you do not know is that over the years, I have actually received quite a bit of hate mail, mostly from religious fanatics saying things like, "Jesus will cast you into the lake of fire," and "Turn or burn!" Sometimes, they stray from their usual fear tactics and resort to launching an old fashioned guilt campaign with statements such as, "Jesus died for your sins," and the like.
  Of course, what they are not taking into consideration is that I am not a Christian, and therefore, am not influenced by their fear- and guilt-based line of attack. Fundamentalists continuously project their dogmatic beliefs onto the world around them. They assume that others will be influenced by the same stratagem and ploy that was used to manipulate them. (A faulty and egocentric approach, I must say.) Their inflexibility does not allow for them to even consider the possibility that there may be other ways, alternative views, and different truths.
  Speaking of truths, what makes the religious right think that their version of the truth is the only one? Fundamentalists are convinced that their way is the ONLY way to find personal salvation. They are mistaken. (To coin a phrase, "The religious right is neither.") To sweeten the bait, they throw a deceptive mantle of false kindness over their oppressive strategies by using statements of Christian love. However, this is but a camouflaged ruse. Question them about the incongruencies between their faith and their actual behavior, and they soon become hostile. Try it sometime. Point out an example of their hypocrisy, and it will not be long before you see their mask slip and the proverbial wolf under the sheep skin is revealed.
  However, it is only fair to say that the previous statement regarding hypocrisy can be said about any hierarchical, male dominated, organized religion. (I believe this answers the question you asked at the end of your letter.) Most highly structured religions are oppressive to those who deviate from their "group think." However, as Frank Zappa put it, "Without deviation from the norm, progress is not possible." I do not mean to pick on the Christians so much. (Wait a minute…yes, I do.) Admittedly, I have got a chip on my shoulder the size of the redneck state of Texas! I hope the fundamentalists can step outside of themselves enough to understand my bitter feelings. Being criticized, shamed, and devalued as a child by the "loving" Christian community for being gay has left this advice columnist cynical. Put yourself in my shoes (or stiletto pumps, as the case may be).
Your Abomination Boy, Barbie

Gay Marriages

Dear Barbie,
I read in the papers and hear on TV about all the fears surrounding gay and lesbian marriages. Why is everyone so afraid? Is it something that they grew up fearing, or is it just irrational fear of the unknown? What gives?  Signed, Mr. Fearless
 
Hello Mr. Fearless,
Let's start off by looking at fear. The vast majority of fears are learned through modeling after the behavior of someone else who is acting afraid. However, a few fears are genetically based (like the fear of loud noises and the fear of falling). Instincts, for instance, are inherent fears that exist in all humans. For example, the extreme anxiety you feel when you are about to fall from a high place, or the feeling of being startled by a sudden loud noise. These are some of the ways that our internal warning mechanisms protect us. There are researchers who state that the unlearned instincts we have (which pertain to survival) may be genetically coded in our DNA. The belief is that certain important experiences are stored in our bodies. Some refer to this as “cell memory.” These memories can be inherited by being passed down on a genetic level, therefore becoming instinctual traits. The good news is that instincts can serve you by alerting you to danger.
  On the other hand, the bad news is that unrealistic fears do not serve us because they are based on misinformation and ignorance. Since prejudicial fears (like homophobia and racism) are based on hatred and not founded on scientific facts, they are therefore unrealistic. Unrealistic fear is the opposite of love because that type of fear blocks trust, and trust is necessary for pure love to exist. Prejudicial fears stem from a lack of accurate information.
  Once a person truly understands another person, then prejudice seems to dissipate and new connections of commonality are built in its place. Put another way, if your fears are based on survival instincts, then go with them. If, however, your fears are based on anger and prejudice, then educate them. After all, fear grows out of not knowing.  I have learned to trust my inherited instincts, not my unrealistic fears. So the next time you hear someone expressing fear regarding gay/lesbian marriages, just remember, if people can learn prejudice, they can unlearn it, too.   
Respect Multiplicity, Barbie