Ask The Irreverent Uncle Barbie

A Philosophical Concussion

Dear Uncle Barbie,
Your column is such a great opportunity for anyone to contribute in a public dialogue with a truly educated member of an alternate sexual preference group than most of us happen to be. And the frosting on the cake is that you, Uncle Barbie, have such a great sense of humor. If we cannot laugh at ourselves, as well as others - especially ones who leave themselves open to this manner of sharing - then we, as members of the free world, truly are not very tolerant or interested in one another's freedom and liberty, are we?
  Because we are members of a diverse culture which we seem to enjoy calling the melting pot, how can we ignore or judge any faction without limiting ourselves? Freedom of religion means all religions, doesn't it? Even the ones who believe there is something not to believe in.
  This brings up another interesting point. If, in fact, the highest court in the land rules at all on issues such as abortion and same sex marriages, isn't that mixing church and state? I mean, is it only obvious to me that such matters are concerns of belief--thus religious matters should not even be considered for new laws. If I were a woman and there was a movement which threatened to make it impossible for me to decide what I can and cannot do with my own body, I would be furious - especially in a so-called free country.
  Why can't there be at least something we can all agree on other than to disagree? Well, I'll get off my soapbox and wait for the naysayers to have their chance. Thanks again for the opportunity to use my freedom of speech.
Signed, Whomever

Hello Whomever,
As I was reading your letter of free-association, I found myself gasping for breath. Dude, you really need to put more periods in your paragraphs! I am sure that writing all your thoughts down on paper was a cathartic experience for you--but damn! Give the poor reader a pause now and then--whew! (Do you really think that it is such a good idea to use up your entire vocabulary in one paragraph?)
  Reading your letter is like falling off a political cliff. As I plummeted from your loose associations, I found myself grabbing at whatever I could to slow myself down. Eventually, I acrobatically cascaded my way to a ground covered with rock-hard issues and sharp topics. When I finished crashing from your flight of ideas, I had to check myself for bruises. I swear…your letters could give someone a philosophical concussion.
  Anyway, let me address a few of your questions. You are right on several points. Any time we ignore or judge groups in our society, we also limit ourselves. What affects one person, affects us all. Yes, freedom of religion needs to apply to all faiths in order for it to be truly free. Yes, legislating moral issues, like abortion and same sex marriages, is mixing church and state. And finally, to answer your last question, I think one thing we can all agree on is that we all need love. (Somehow, I have a feeling that you know you are preaching to the choir.) Let's do our part to spread kindness.
Testify Brother, Barbie

The Glittering, Clittering Boss
 
Dear Uncle Barbie,
Why is it that incompetent liars are promoted to supervise the hard workers in a company? The company I work for is ok except a supervisor of mine. She was formerly my immediate supervisor and due to recent turnovers (or should I say, firings), was promoted. She will say that she will take care of something, but not do it, and then blame me for it not getting done. Even after I have asked what I needed to do to get it done, she will not tell me. Nobody gets their annual evaluations on time, and then she had our new, immediate supervisor give our evaluations with lies on them. I have never before had a bad review within my whole work history, even when I was 16 years old. It was also contradictory. I have dreamed actual dreams of killing her with my bare hands. I would never contemplate this in my conscious world, let alone act upon it. She constantly finds things wrong with people but when we do something good, all she says is, “Good job” as she is either looking over our shoulder or actually turning her head away. She has actually lied to me, and then I catch her in it, and she lies again to cover her first lie. We peons actually wonder how she was promoted because she has no actual experience doing our jobs.
  I like my career and an updating my resume to submit to several companies here in town. Due to my husband’s career, I could quit tomorrow. But, I feel the need to work because I need activity to keep me busy. When I had to leave my last place of employment (due to moving to this area), I chose not to work for two months. It was the hardest time for me to be inactive, although I was involved in several interest groups. I respect the people who can afford not to work and do not. It is just not for me. My supervisor is incompetent and lies, and I need advice on how to deal with her while I am at this job.
  P.S. In the last nine months, five co-workers have actually quit because of her.
Signed, All that Clitters is Not Gold

Hello Golden Clit,
It is tough to work for an unpredictable boss/supervisor because you are never sure of your footing. It is like trying to do a balancing act on a large circus ball. If you make a misguided move in the wrong direction, you end up cascading to the floor in what can only be described as an acrobatic tumbling act. Many people think of their place of work as being like a cage. In your case, it seems more like a prison. And for good reason. There is actually a close similarity between the two. In a jail cell, you are inside bars, but you would rather be free. At your place of employment, you are free, but you would rather be inside some bars. (I guess that sounded funnier inside my head.)
  Clearly, your boss is on a power trip. I guess being a crabby bitch is part of her charm. I bet this Nazi in nylons thinks that the more she bullies people, the more effective she is at her job. (I wonder if your boss’ digestive system passed out any of the employee that she chewed up and ate recently?) If it gives you any comfort, you are not alone in your misery. Most everyone has been in an employment situation where they were stuck dealing with the work jerk. To answer your question, the best way that I know to deal with an incompetent boss, who is also a liar, is to get out! Maybe that means transferring to another department, and maybe that means finding a different job altogether. These unethical bosses/supervisors will not just go away with wishful thinking. I can safely say that your boss slithered into her position of power through deceit. So, she will, no doubt, continue to use dishonest means to hold her position in the company. You need to get away from her. I hate to say this, but in my experience, things will only get worse if you stay. Look for greener pastures.
A Boil on the Ass of Decency, Barbie

Astrological Etiquette
 
Dear Uncle Barbie,
My sister and I are wondering about the etiquette of something in a new romantic relationship; namely, how soon may one inquire as to the exact moment of the significant other's birth? As you probably are aware, this piece of information (the hour and minute on the day and year of one's birth) is vital to preparation of the person's astrological chart. After all, it would be nice to be able as early as possible to get prepared for the probable compatibilities or incompatibilities one will experience in a new relationship as dictated by the stars.   Signed, Emily Post
 
Hello Ms. Post,
How Crafty of the two of you to be brewing up an astrological chart for your new romantic relationship. And just in time for Valentine's Day, too. (Of course, I do not know if an astrologer, such as the two of you, would celebrate a holiday that is named after Saint Valentine. But, who knows; maybe you are spiritually eclectic.) Anyway, getting back to your question. I think that the timing needs to be just right. If you ask personal questions about your partner's birth on the first day, it will make him/her defensive (and maybe even a little turned off). On the other hand, you do not want to wait too long into the relationship because then you may discover that you have been wasting your time with someone with whom you are incompatible. Hmmm, what to do? What would an herbal/healing witch, like me, do in a situation such as this one?
  Let me look into my crystal ball and see if I can draw on some wisdom from the ancients. Hmmm, the images that I see in the crystal ball appear to be many faces with eyes peering back at me. The sense that I get for you is that there are too many people involved in your current romantic endeavor. Perhaps there are too many eyes watching what's going on in your personal affairs. I think that it would greatly improve things if you were to proceed with your new relationship without the involvement of your friends. If your date senses that there are other people scrutinizing him/her, then your date may get spooked and back away. I am sure you have heard of the phrase, "Too many cooks spoil the broth." Well, in this case, too many astrologers can spoil the brew. (So to speak.)
  You asked about etiquette. The simple fact is that nobody likes to be analyzed, classified, and categorized. And although you may not intend to pigeonhole your new partner, unfortunately he/she may end up feeling that way when all is said and done. What I suggest is that you wait until your new significant other is comfortable with you as a person. Then let him/her know that you are an astrologist (in other words, come out of the broom closet, honey). After that, ask your partner if he/she wants to have an astrological chart done. If the answer is no, then respect that. If the answer is yes, then you know that you have earned his/her trust. Make it an enjoyable experience that the two of you can share together, rather than doing the chart privately. That's my idea of proper astrological etiquette.
  As far as your desire to find out the compatibilities or incompatibilities early in the relationship, there are many different ways to reveal these things in addition to looking to the stars. My favorite way is to use a technique known as gazing. You simply have the person gaze at something for a long time (like clouds, a pool of water, a campfire, or simply the flame on a candle), and then have him/her tell you what he/she sees. Whatever is seen while gazing reveals personality traits that have been drawn out from the shadows of the person's subconscious. Then you will have all the information you need to determine if the two of you are compatible as long term partners or not. Just remember to be open about what you are doing, and inform the other person as to what is going on. Honesty and clear communication are the very best form of compatibility you can build in any relationship. As the ancient sages say, "Do as ye will, lest ye harm none." 
Blessed Be, Barbie

An Imitation Christ
 
Dear Uncle Barbie,
Why do I take such pleasure in knowing that Christ is going to punish the people I do not like? Several days ago, I ran into a woman who used to be my neighbor. I never did like her very much, but now I actually hate her, especially after what she said to me about my dad. She asked me, "What's new?" I started telling her that my dad was in the hospital and very sick. She smirked and said, "Oh, then there is a God after all." She was actually happy to hear that my dad was suffering. I know that she never got along very well with my dad, but I cannot believe that she would be happy to find out that he was in pain. The only way I could make myself feel better was to tell myself that she would undoubtedly go to Hell for being such a bad person. It felt really good to know that she would burn in Hell for all eternity. So my question to you is this, why do I feel so happy knowing that my enemies are going to Hell?
Signed, Amber
 
Hello Amber,
Perhaps your name should be Ember rather than Amber (as in a burning ember from Hell). You say you believe that Christ will punish the people you do not like. Thinking of Jesus as a vengeful God is to believe in an imitation Christ. For most loving people, wishing that another human being would spend eternity in pain would be a new low. For you, however, I suspect that this is just a new medium. I find it interesting that both you and your former neighbor draw satisfaction from the suffering of your enemies. I know you will hate me for saying this, but the two of you are more alike than you want to admit. (Now, I suppose, you are going to fantasize about me having a reservation at Hotel Hell for making that last comment.) I am not intentionally trying to annoy you. It's just that it is my job, as a therapist, to cut through all the bullshit and point out the issues that everyone else is tiptoeing around. The issue here is that you want to see her suffer just as much as she wants to see your dad suffer. Of course, I cannot FORCE either one of you to change your attitude. As an advice columnist, it is not my job to CHANGE human behavior--only to poke fun of it. (It is a nice job, if you can get it.)
  I am able to recognize and identify this type of destructive thought pattern because I grew up in a religious household that implemented and put into practice said mind set. Now that I look at this issue from a familial/domestic perspective, I am starting to sense that this whole punitive attitude of retaliation is starting to take on the flavor of parental punishment. I think most of us remember hearing the threatening phrase, "You are gonna get it when dad gets home." Perhaps this need you have to punish the unholy is a carryover from your childhood days when your parents unconsciously modeled that attitude for you. Be honest with yourself; you picked up that viewpoint somewhere. Upon a broader reflection of societal values, the legal system in this country seems to be based on a punitive and moralistic foundation rather than one of rehabilitation and reconciliation. Even in the courtrooms, judges make similar moralistic statements, such as, "I can only sentence you to life in prison, but there is a greater judgment that awaits you after you die." How many times have we heard the statement, "You will have to answer for your crimes to a higher power in the next life"?
  To answer your question more specifically, I think you feel happy believing that your enemies are going to Hell because it reinforces your belief in a just world. Believing that the people who hurt you will, in turn, also be hurt is a defense mechanism. You are simply trying to console yourself to even the score. It is a rather futile mental exercise and one that I strongly suggest you break. It's counterproductive to waste your energy on fantasies of petty revenge. Instead, focus your attention on more positive thoughts. All major religions encourage their members to love their fellow human beings. Since you have indicated that you are a Christian, I will relay the information in a contextual framework to which you will be more accustomed. Christ commanded his followers to love one another--even to love their enemies. That's quite an undertaking. However, you will find that feeling love is a much more rewarding experience than harboring hatred in your heart. We all have free will, so choose to think of your enemies as being a test from God/Goddess to see how well you can love your fellow human beings. Use THAT to console yourself.
A Clear Sign of the Apocalypse, Barbie

Evolutionary, My Dear Growlie!
Dear Uncle Barbie,
Why, in some schools, is evolution taught as fact? It is a theory. Why can't "intelligent design" be taught along with evolution? They are both theories.
Signed, Growlie
 
Hello Growlie,
This is really a question of etiology. By the way, I am not familiar with the term "intelligent design." Is that a new, updated, more politically correct, shiny title for the old term, creationism? If you are asking for my opinion on this subject, I think that a variety of theories and philosophies need to be taught in the schools, not just one. Every theory has legitimate points to make. And I think that people on both sides of this issue would agree that no single, philosophical theory is perfect or holds ALL the answers. Nobody has a monopoly on all truths. So, therefore, we need to take the factual evidence from each of the various theories and collaborate that information to make a more accurate picture of the human genesis and progression.
  You asked why evolution is taught as fact? I have a hard time believing that the teachers are calling evolution completely factual. Perhaps it seems as if they are teaching it as fact because they are putting an emphasis on evolutionary theory more than other etiologies. If this is what's happening, then it's probably because most of the scientific evidence appears to support (not prove) some (not all) of the principal ideas of evolution. This is not to say that other theories do not have supporting evidence, too. It is simply a matter of which theory carries the most validity and reliability according to scientific methodology standards.
  The big problem here is that this nationwide debate has gone way beyond the classroom and into the religious and political arenas. Consequently, it is no longer just about teaching certain theories; now it has become a huge power struggle for control. Parents, religious leaders, and politicians have made this such a hot topic that it has become a bargaining chip to manipulate people, apply leverage on the school systems, gain favor with like-minded individuals, and acquire political standing. It seems to me that the actual quality of the students' education has been overshadowed by the intense emotions of this inflammatory subject. In the battle for power between the opposing camps, high educational standards seem to have been pushed to the wayside. We need to focus on what is best for the children, not what's best for the power-hungry adults.
  Let me end by saying this…I think that the whole debate over creationism vs. Darwinism is stupid. If you believe in a Creator, then He or She created us all--regardless of the method. Who cares whether God/Goddess used evolution to create us, or used the biblical version of spitting into the dirt to make the first man? Either way, the Maker created us. It is ridiculous to argue over which technique was used. Honestly, now, who really gives a rat's ass--or should I say, monkey's ass?
Digging in the Dirt, Barbie

Fundamentalists: the Party Poopers of the Universe
 
Dear Uncle Barbie,
In response to your column from a few months back in which you addressed the religious comments from a reader who was trying to convert you and criticizing science, I, too, am passionately religious. However, unlike the fundies (fundamentalists) who regularly try to bait you, I believe in my faith without any need to convert you to it. Additionally, modern and ancient      science reinforce my faith; they do not detract from it. Like the author of the previous letter, my faith is the axle upon which my whole being revolves. I    define my whole self by my relationship to my Gods (I am polytheistic), but these relationships expand my awareness, teach me to be a better member of the human race, and exhort me to elevate myself spiritually. I am a little concerned that you would treat me with the same bitter venom as you do the fundies.
  I understand your point of view when it comes to people trying to shove their faith down your gullet, but please realize that not all people of faith are conflict driven. Since I am not monotheistic (believing in only one God), I do not believe that my way of faith is the only way to experience the Divine. Therefore, I have no basis to believe I am any better than you. In my opinion, it is the belief by humans that other humans are inherently inferior that is the driving force behind every war in history. While I realize why you responded to the previous writer the way you did, please bear in mind that not all people of faith are party poopers of the universe. Do you only dislike Christian fundamentalists, or do you feel the same way about all people of faith?
Signed, Born Again in Pantheos
 
Hello BAP,
I do acknowledge that not all religious people are of the same mind set as that of the author of the previous letter. One of the things that irritated me most about said letter was the black and white approach he used. Why do fundamentalists view everything as all or none? Instead, how about a collaboration of all points of view? I think that science and religion can go together. People need to find the middle ground. What you do not know is that over the years, I have actually received quite a bit of hate mail, mostly from religious fanatics saying things like, "Jesus will cast you into the lake of fire," and "Turn or burn!" Sometimes, they stray from their usual fear tactics and resort to launching an old fashioned guilt campaign with statements such as, "Jesus died for your sins," and the like.
  Of course, what they are not taking into consideration is that I am not a Christian, and therefore, am not influenced by their fear- and guilt-based line of attack. Fundamentalists continuously project their dogmatic beliefs onto the world around them. They assume that others will be influenced by the same stratagem and ploy that was used to manipulate them. (A faulty and egocentric approach, I must say.) Their inflexibility does not allow for them to even consider the possibility that there may be other ways, alternative views, and different truths.
  Speaking of truths, what makes the religious right think that their version of the truth is the only one? Fundamentalists are convinced that their way is the ONLY way to find personal salvation. They are mistaken. (To coin a phrase, "The religious right is neither.") To sweeten the bait, they throw a deceptive mantle of false kindness over their oppressive strategies by using statements of Christian love. However, this is but a camouflaged ruse. Question them about the incongruencies between their faith and their actual behavior, and they soon become hostile. Try it sometime. Point out an example of their hypocrisy, and it will not be long before you see their mask slip and the proverbial wolf under the sheep skin is revealed.
  However, it is only fair to say that the previous statement regarding hypocrisy can be said about any hierarchical, male dominated, organized religion. (I believe this answers the question you asked at the end of your letter.) Most highly structured religions are oppressive to those who deviate from their "group think." However, as Frank Zappa put it, "Without deviation from the norm, progress is not possible." I do not mean to pick on the Christians so much. (Wait a minute…yes, I do.) Admittedly, I have got a chip on my shoulder the size of the redneck state of Texas! I hope the fundamentalists can step outside of themselves enough to understand my bitter feelings. Being criticized, shamed, and devalued as a child by the "loving" Christian community for being gay has left this advice columnist cynical. Put yourself in my shoes (or stiletto pumps, as the case may be).
Your Abomination Boy, Barbie

Gay Marriages

Dear Barbie,
I read in the papers and hear on TV about all the fears surrounding gay and lesbian marriages. Why is everyone so afraid? Is it something that they grew up fearing, or is it just irrational fear of the unknown? What gives?  Signed, Mr. Fearless
 
Hello Mr. Fearless,
Let's start off by looking at fear. The vast majority of fears are learned through modeling after the behavior of someone else who is acting afraid. However, a few fears are genetically based (like the fear of loud noises and the fear of falling). Instincts, for instance, are inherent fears that exist in all humans. For example, the extreme anxiety you feel when you are about to fall from a high place, or the feeling of being startled by a sudden loud noise. These are some of the ways that our internal warning mechanisms protect us. There are researchers who state that the unlearned instincts we have (which pertain to survival) may be genetically coded in our DNA. The belief is that certain important experiences are stored in our bodies. Some refer to this as “cell memory.” These memories can be inherited by being passed down on a genetic level, therefore becoming instinctual traits. The good news is that instincts can serve you by alerting you to danger.
  On the other hand, the bad news is that unrealistic fears do not serve us because they are based on misinformation and ignorance. Since prejudicial fears (like homophobia and racism) are based on hatred and not founded on scientific facts, they are therefore unrealistic. Unrealistic fear is the opposite of love because that type of fear blocks trust, and trust is necessary for pure love to exist. Prejudicial fears stem from a lack of accurate information.
  Once a person truly understands another person, then prejudice seems to dissipate and new connections of commonality are built in its place. Put another way, if your fears are based on survival instincts, then go with them. If, however, your fears are based on anger and prejudice, then educate them. After all, fear grows out of not knowing.  I have learned to trust my inherited instincts, not my unrealistic fears. So the next time you hear someone expressing fear regarding gay/lesbian marriages, just remember, if people can learn prejudice, they can unlearn it, too.   
Respect Multiplicity, Barbie